During the summer of 5th grade I went to summer camp in Idyllwild. The camp was called ISOMATA and it was like a arts summer camp. I took a poetry class and it was fun. I remember curse words were especially hilarious that summer. I sold a copy of my TLC cassette tape single of Waterfalls for spending money because people had brought their walkmans but didn't realize that radio reception in the mountains was poor.

That summer I met a girl named Diana, she was Japanese, I think, but she was dating some kid named William, who was in whatever program she was participating in, I think it was a dance one. Towards the end of the two weeks, there was a "dance" and she was very sad at the "dance" because William was somewhat of a jerk. And I asked her why she was dating him and she said something like because he asked her out.

On the last day of camp, everybody had a presentation of their projects or musical recital or dance show for the parents who were driving up to pick up their kids. Diana and some other kids from my camp came to watch me recite my poem. Then afterwards, watching another friends' performance, sitting on a giant rock, I had my first real, serious, conversation with a girl. I can't remember what we talked about, but I think I asked her about her family and how it felt to be Japanese and Caucasian since I didn't have that experience in my life. I'm pretty sure I loved her, after one conversation. I was 11.

After I got home from the camp, I realized I didn't have her phone number or address. And when I got my pictures developed, I didn't even have one of those. The best I had was a picture of her in the background, in the shadows, that my father took of me during my poem presentation. Other students had to sit on the side of the stage so the parents could get center seating and Diana was barely in the background. So in order to find her, I did what I thought would be best. I wrote a letter to the summer camp director asking if they could give me the address even though I knew it was against the law to give out something like that. I promised in the letter that I was really her friend at camp and I wrote about how I knew her from the camp and I gave them all of my information too so they could double check to make sure I really had been a camp participant. I got no response.

Death Cab for Cutie - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

I'm sure everybody goes through this, but can I help it if I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. It feels as though I don't even know how to make or keep friends much less anything more significant than that. I think I'm afraid of being judged on one hand, but then on the other hand, by trusting people, I feel like I'm simply wasting their time because they have better things to do. I very much feel like I've missed out on having a person unconditionally love me, outside of my parents, whom I don't really relate to.

I was going back through my old Christmas posts and the 2004 December post was right before I left for Italy and I wasn't sure if I was going to get a leave of absence, which I did get eventually. I know its not good to think about What Ifs, but I very much wonder what would've become of me had I been forced to quit working at Disneyland at that point.

I think I realized this about myself a long time ago, but I never wanted to admit it. I think I am afraid of success. "Do I fear success because if somehow I reach my goal and I'm still unhappy I'll feel even worse? Getting a six pack is something I want, but I avoid it. By having one, does it mean I'll have one less thing I can blame in my life?"

The other day at the gym I was shooting hoops and for some reason it dawned on me. Like somewhere in my mind, it yelled out to me "You can do anything you set your mind to!" And I got completely psyched up. I completely believed in myself. Its like somewhere I got this super powerful belief in my own abilities to do anything I wanted to. I know I hear this everywhere I go, and kids get told this all the time, but for 15 minutes I really believed it. I guess I've always known I'm capable of anything. Like if I can lose weight and keep a job for 3 years why can't I do anything I want to? It was one of those moments where it was like everything in the universe aligns and anything is possible. Unfortunately, I wasted it alone, shooting free throws, trying to prove my theory by making as many in a row as I could. The moment has since passed. But I still feel the residual effects I think. I think I've been gradually easing towards this realization of my own ablities. Something that people are born with or quickly discover has taken me 23 years to begin to figure out. I should have confidence in my own abilities.

Wednesday night I went to Knott's Scary Farm. I forgot how much fun Ghost Rider is. That ride is insanity. We waited over an hour in line for it and it was worth it all. I haven't waited that long for a ride at Disneyland in a LONG time but man was Ghost Rider fun. Knott's was quite fun. But it makes me a bit sad. I totally wanted to be scared but I was only scared once. I hate to sound dramatic, but I wanted to be scared so I could really feel something. I realize that sounds like I'm emotionally dead inside and I can't experience the world, but what I mean is I'm so jaded and desensitized and I'm always watching out and trying to keep myself level that I don't even let myself get scared. I guess the monsters try to scare girls more often than guys to heighten the evening because girls scream louder and they hug the guys which makes everybody happy but I sort of wanted to be scared too. When I went to Knotts, back when I was younger, I was too chicken to get into the fun of being scared and I always tried to outsmart the monsters by peeking around corners and I didn't realize that getting scared WAS the point. But having to be a tough guy I pretended not to be affected by their creepy costumes and snarling noises. I was only scared once this time around and the rest of the time I wandered the mazes, jumping when monsters scared those around me, trying to get into the moment without REALLY being scared. But spending time with people is good too and I'm glad I did that. Plus, it was free for me, so I can't complain too much.

So today I was watching My Super Sweet Sixteen and this show usually is entertainingly apalling in the spoiledness of the kids. Like they're born into luxury and they're insane in what they want. But then an episode today had a girl who was in foster care for the first 14 years of her life and she'd never had a birthday party before and I thought "Wow, its good that they picked a girl that deserves it." And I really wanted to like her because it was like she deserved it, she still turned out to be a giant brat. I don't know if its because MTV wanted to show that angle but you could tell she wasn't supre crazy like some of the kids on the show. They started the episode out with her going back to her old foster home and it was pretty shoddy and I thought MTV was trying to make it a nice story about her deserving an elaborate party since she was a nice girl. But then it just went back into the formula of showing off her outrageous demands and petty squabbles with her friends. But her parents seemed really happy. And I wonder about that. Do adoptive parents adopt kids because the kids deserve to have a better life? Or do they do it because they feel its their way of giving back and it fulfills some need in their life and it makes them happy? I wanted to adopt a dog a long while back (and I still do) and I definately want to because I somehow think a dog will be a companion that I can't seem to find in another person (at least not yet). But I want to adopt one, as opposed to buying one because the dogs at the shelter deserve homes as much, and maybe moreso than dogs they breed to sell. Right?

Jeremy Kay - Have It All

My new work is starting. I'll be working at the new store, Disney's Vault 28. It'll be a trendy upscale fashion store. I get to wear clothes that are picked out for me. I have a Monday/Saturday outfit and I'm guessing my outfits are all planned out for the rest of the week too. I very much like what I've worn so far, despite the boy band qualities they give me. Who doesn't love N'Sync anyways. I'm excited because its work with new people, new location. Change isn't so bad, once you're past the period of adjustment and I think I'm past that now. Hooray for new friends? I hope so.

What I'm worried about is that I shouldn't be excited about a job like this. I should be worrying about my "future" especially now that I've taken a step to leave the place that was so difficult to walk away from. How do people know what they want to do? How come I don't know? I think since I was a child I've been told what to do. Or there was an expectation. Like going to school, doing homework, applying for college, etc. But then once you graduate or once you're in college you're supposed to find your own way, but without guidelines I've lost my way and I don't know how to, or don't want to discover what it is I want to do.

In other news, stupid Dodgers got stupid swept by the stupid Mets. I hate baseball. Ha. Nah. But I think its absurd how unclutch the Dodgers are. Hardly anybody stepped up to help the team. Greg Maddux? Way to save the season. Mark Hendrickson was the best pitcher we had in the playoffs so thats pretty damned sad. I guess its good that basketball season starts in less than a month.

Oh yeah. And happy Columbus discovering the new world day! Did you know he is Italian? Although the Spanish funded his voyages. He tried to find India and failed 3 times. Then in 1499 Vasco de Gama sailed around Africa and beat him there, sailing for the Portuguese.

Rascal Flatts - Then I Did

Today I ran in Nike's RunHitRemix. I watched De La Soul, Vanilla Ice, Digital Underground and other groups play as I ran 5 miles. It was fun and despite having to wake up at 6 AM I enjoyed it a lot. I also love getting free stuff at the end of the run. I ate so many free nutrition bars and I drank like 4 or 5 mini Jamba Juices. Then I ate some seafood. Actually, it was a lot of seafood. I think I need to go to more exercise events and I need to eat at new restaurants more often.

I realized something weird the other day. After leaving the place I've been working for 3 years I wasn't extremely sad, although I definately do miss people. But then on Sunday night, after my first shift out of the area, I was watching Extreme Makeover, Home Edition and in the episode Ty builds this house for some deserving family, like always, and I got really emotional watching that. What the heck is that? I leave my friends of the last 3 years and I hardly feel anything but watching 1 hour of Ty Pennington show a blind and deaf family their new home makes me sad and emotional? Jeez. Anyways, I don't know if its good that I am emotionally detached from my own life or if its good that I can empathize with a family on television getting something they really deserve.

John Mayer - Gravity

Recently I got worried that my friendships were fading away from me because I was spending less time with people. And now I'm moving to a new location I don't know how to feel. Leaving isn't easy. The only thing I can equate this to is leaving high school, except this time I'm the only person leaving and other people are staying. Graduating from college was different simply because I wasn't involved in the every day lives of a lot of people, not like my work is now, where I see people 3 or 4 times a week. When people quit I tell them things like "I hope you do good at..." and "Call me, we'll myspace" or whatever, but I only say that because I don't want to say "Have a good life" even though that is probably what it comes down to. Most people who quit, I won't talk to again. So why does it matter to me now that I'm the one leaving and people aren't more sad that I'm leaving when I wasn't all that sad when others left? It feels good to be missed and wanted I think. Leaving high school was different because everybody was leaving in one way or another for new beginnings, but for me, leaving Paradise Pier means I'm the only one and as much as I don't want to admit it, the people that I've known for the past three years will simply move on, just like I did after others I've known have quit or gone other places.

I think my feelings are somewhat exacerbated by the past two or three months during which I made some extremely stupid mistakes, friendship wise. And my leaving will only continue to push me further away from people with whom I've spent so much time with the last three years of my life. I hate that my leaving becomes a litmus test of my friendships with people. But maybe it becomes a test for me too, to see who I truly value as a friend. Friendship is a two way street, or some stupid analogy like that. I think that I'm willing to make an effort so hopefully others are too. But regardless, I'm glad that I spent the past three years with everyone and I've had a ton of fun and I wish everyone the best.

"Before you can say you can't at all
There's no excuse this time don't be afraid to fly
You never know what day the doors will close
It's time to say goodbye time to pack up and ride
Got to leave this place it's been cool but I gotta go"

Outkast f/ Sleepy Brown & Scar - The Train

Birthday post! I'm 23 now. That just sounds old. But then I totally don't feel old at all. Like at heart I still feel like a young person, but I know 23 is that point where I should be more of an adult than not. My birthday went well. The night before I saw Adrian Brody. Man his nose is big in real life too. Maybe even bigger than I could imagine. Then the next day, my birthday, I went to eat the best pastrami ever, at Langers deli, with my family. If you love pastrami, you should come with me sometime! My treat :) I would go there more often on my own, but its in LA so its not worth it unless someone comes with me. And I say this as a real invite because I've realized its important to spend time with people who want to spend time with me. I only got a few gifts for my birthday, which is fine with me and I'm thankful for the ones I got. But I really liked getting texts throughout the day, starting with the ones I got in the middle of the night. Then checking myspace during the day and getting phone messages from people I haven't talked to in a while. I know it doesn't take but 30 seconds to send something like that but I really did enjoy it. It makes me feel loved. So in return, you guys should come with me to eat pastrami sometime. I want other people to know I'm happy to be your friend. So thanks, even if you don't take me up on my pastrami offer. Seriously though, best pastrami, ever.

I think one of my favorite things to do is sing songs in the car. Honestly, I really think I need to do this more often. I like doing it when I drive by myself, but I love it even more when its with somebody else. For me, because I am a little bit shy about belting it out and doing things that might be embarassing, I think its important for me to do this as much as possible, to simply get over my inhibitions. I know not everyone knows the lyrics to every song, but who cares!? Its about having fun. So another invite or maybe just a suggestion. Lets go somewhere! Anywhere! I'll drive, or you can drive if you want to! As long as we get to sing! But you gotta sing too! I promise, if I laugh at you, its because I'm having fun, not because you suck at singing. Rock songs are fun, N*Sync is always exciting and Disney music is the best. But I get to be Gaston if we sing Beauty and the Beast.

One more thing, SNAKES ON A PLANE! Go see it! It's a completely awful movie and I loved every second of it! Everything I hoped for and more!

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop Now if I could sing this song, then I'd really be awesome.

There will be no deep emotional feelings in this blog post. I would just like to say that there is a hissing sound in my ears right now, even though my house is completely silent because MxPx freaking rocked my ear drums apart. Reel Big Fish were pretty fun to watch too. I love concerts. I love mosh pits. I don't know what it is about watching rock bands in the pit. Almost everybody tries to get as close as they can to the band on stage and even if you don't know the lyrics, everybody rocks out, jumps up and down and doesn't mind a little body contact. I love the feeling of being a part of the crowd, not being able to control which way you're going to sway because everybody is packed so close together. I don't even mind sharing other peoples' sweat. It would normally be very gross, but it doesn't bother me when everybody is just bumping back and forth. Maybe its because nobody cares and everyone is just out to have a good time. Now if only my hearing would return.

The last few days have been quite fun for me. I love singing NSync, Blink's Dammit and my favorite, Aladdin! I haven't sung Aladdin in a duet, with a female since 6th grade and that was only in a choir. I also love playing with nerf footballs in parking lots. Late night, unplanned fun is always more fun than planned fun I think. I think thats because that sort of spontaneous fun is more fulfilling because there are no expectations. And the fun you're having is only replacing time alone at home (more often than not). Anyways, I've been quite happy the past few days. I really do have to learn to not let things bother me.

MxPx - Punk Rawk Show!!!!!

Haha wow, that last post was really not good. I tried to make like this back and forth comparison between the way my life was going and how the Dodger game for that night was going. Like I would be doing pretty good, and the Dodgers would take the lead. Then in my life I'd screw up, just like the Dodgers would blow the lead. Anyways, it was a really poorly described analogy. Probably would've looked good as a movie montage sequence though.

So I went to the Dodgers game the other night and they lost, again, of course. This blows. The Dodgers suck balls. But the company was good at least.

So my mom left the country for a while a few months back. She went to teach English to little children in Taiwan and thats good for her because she just retired and thats what she wanted to do with her time. And since she's been back I haven't really spent time with her. You know how it is when you live with somebody but you don't spend time with them? Its like we occupy the same space, but we only meet in the kitchen and living room. I guess thats how its always been for my family. My mom then wrote me an email but it must've been a day or two ago to an email address that I don't check daily.

Anyways, she writes me to apologize for the way she raised me. Like she says she thinks her and my father did the right things in taking me to school and providing me with food and stuff but they didn't talk to me enough to aid in my "emotional development" or whatever. I always knew this was true, but I just figured it was an Asian thing, like Asian families just don't communicate. But she then tells me that our whole family has communication problems, between her and my father, between me and both my parents. So I knew this too, but I only recently understood how it has affected me. For the longest time, I did not realize that the lack of communication between my parents and myself was something that would affect me in life until the last few years. Like I just always assumed not communicating with my parents was just something everybody went through, but now I realize that because of a lack of true open communication (or any sort of communication) with my parents has made me sort of detached from other people. I don't know how to express my feelings to others and truly trust other people. Maybe thats why I've done so poorly in terms of establishing and maintaining friendships. And maybe thats why I've written so many godforsaken letters lately, and in my life. Its a way for me to communicate, but without actually having to do it. And maybe thats why I keep this blog too. To share my feelings without having to deal with other peoples' reactions. I don't know what to think anymore. But somebody once told me to stop blaming my parents and I need to take charge and I certainly am trying to do that. So if I get weird in the near future, or whenever, just bear with me, I'm just trying to share more of myself. I think I need to start to spend more time with my mom too.

Incubus - I Wish You Were Here

Dodgers just came back from a 3 run defecit in the 8th inning against the Pads and are in the 10th inning now and I thought this would be a good time to post while I'm listening to this game.

So the last few days have been pretty weird. Saturday was the hottest day ever at work. I mean it was amazingly hot. I can't remember a hotter day. We took our ties off and slacked off all day. It was horrible and humid. Then at night, on my way home, there was lightning and thunder and it was awesome! Then Sunday got even weirder. I woke up and it was overcast at my house but by the time I got to work, it was pouring rain. I got out of my car and it was raining sideways. Lightning struck California Adventure, or struck right above it I'm pretty sure. Insane. But thats not my favorite part of the day!

The rest of the day went pretty smoothly, but then in the afternoon, who strolls up to my game but Topher Grace! Yeah, I usually don't get excited over celebrities, I've seen or helped many of them and they're just normal people and I didn't get too excited about Topher either. He was pretty nice, although horrible at basketball. But he had money to spend and he won prizes. But then coming down the walkway was MANDY MOORE! I got almost giddy. She didn't even come near my game, Topher walked towards her, but I got super excited. And I was like jumping up and down. It was pretty darned exciting and she was pretty darned beautiful, even though she had sunglasses on. So the whole point of this was I used to think I was jaded with celebrities but I guess I'm just not super excited about meeting Mike Bibby. I'm more excited to meet Mandy Moore. Maybe next time she'll come by and say hi.

But if my life is really going the way this Dodger game is going now, I won't get to meet Mandy. Dodgers lead, then they fall behind, then make a spectacular comeback! Then late in the game they lose it, barely. Thats how I feel things have gone for me the last few days too. Just up and down. Like I think I'm doing great! Then I go and screw it up like I always do. But then, late in the game, y'know, 8th inning, I make a comeback! Maybe I've got a chance! But of course, I have to go and be a moron and mess up royally. Like losing by 1 run in the 11th inning. Stupid Dodgers. Stupid me. Argh! Its like I'm a sucker for repeating history. Things weren't queer enough yet. I had to go and make things more awful than they already were. Yay for me.

How long does it take before people get to that point where you can look back and laugh at things? I guess I'll never know because knowing the way things have gone for me, I'll continue making things weird so not enough time will EVER pass. BLARGH!

Today I had this moment of extreme passion today after work. Like I was so ready to just explode and like rattle some cages and say what I wanted to, to everyone, because I was so mad about how things have been going for me. But I walked away, telling myself it would be another poor decision and nothing good would result. The Dodgers get to play another game tomorrow and the season is still long. I've still got another chance too, I hope.

Cardigans - Lovefool

Stupid Dodgers. Losing 5 in a row. This is sucky. Its okay though. Another team has learned about the crappiness that is Jeff Weaver. In his debut as a St. Louis Cardnial, he lost to Atlanta 15-3. I can't believe that the Angels got anything for him.

I was at Target really early one morning a few days ago and I was reading some "inspirational" books. One of them was by Tim McGraw, the singer, or he inspired it with his song "Live Like You Were Dying" or something like that. Anyways, it just had quotes and sayings about carpe diem and whatever. But there was one section in there about how people save letters because it is a reminder of a time when somebody loved them enough to write them something. And I think I like that explanation of letters. I received a postcard today from my friend, who is one of the bravest people I know, and its just nice to know that people think of you even when they're off discovering the world. I do love receiving mail. I wonder if people have saved the postcards I've sent to them and the letters I passed back in grade school. I used to save old emails but it wasn't quite the same as the postcard or letter because when you go back to read those, its like a placeholder in time of a moment shared. Its hard for me to explain and I tried to duplicate it by just sending postcards out even though I saw the people before any snail mail would ever arrive but I got very little positive response from that experiment. I think I'll have to try it again sometime, when something important happens to me. I suppose what I'd really like is to be able to read letters that I've sent out to others to recall a time in my own life. I forget things so quickly now and I wish I could hold onto every moment, even the low ones.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Yesterday when I started my shift I was feeling excellent. There are times when I just feel like nothing in the world bothers me. I once wrote that I decided to not let things bother me anymore, and sometimes I totally feel that way. But then there are times, in the same day, sometimes the same hour, where I feel like crap and I second guess myself and I think negative thoughts. I think what I like most is getting lost in the moment, like at the movies. Bleh.

I feel like I wrote this blog post just to have something new because that last post, although it was very important to me, makes me depressed to have it on top. So I'm sorry that this post makes no sense, and here's some information that is more important to my life:

After a very bad experience with office work, I think I've decided that teaching is what I want to do, even though I've been avoiding it since high school, I really think I'd enjoy it. But maybe I should think about it for more than two days, huh?

Hans Zimmer - Jack Sparrow

I don't even know how to begin. I don't even know how I feel or how I should feel about it, about all of it. Its a funny thing. I guess I got what I wanted although in a very roundabout way. But how I feel about it is so very different from what I expected. Maybe it was the way it happened.

I was watching Las Vegas, the television show, (horrible, I know) last night and Vanessa Marcil's character's brother broke up with some other girl on the show and then while getting very drunk he said "I never get anything right. Name one thing I didn't screw up." And Vanessa Marcil tells him about some time that he did do something right and it was touching because she seemed to help him out. Although I don't think I've never done anything right, it feels like I've blown every chance I've ever had to do anything.

I wrote an entry a while ago about this guy I knew once upon a time freshman year in the dorms but I never posted it, for whatever reason. The general gist of it is that we were on the verge of being very good friends, like we both enjoyed the same things, basketball, movies, and not just enjoyed them but had the same taste, for the most part. So we became pretty good friends. Towards the end of the school year, I was at home and my friend and other dorm people were still at school and they were getting drunk and my friend, during the course of chatting on AIM asked me about what we were going to do over the summer and where our friendship stood since everybody would be moving out of the dorms, etc. I just brushed him off and cited some stupid reason like I didn't want to talk about it and although nothing came of me not answering the question, I very much feel that it changed our relationship because I was unwilling to just step up and admit we had become good friends and instead we are now merely acquaintances. So long story short, I really feel like I lost out on a very valuable friendship simply because I was unwilling to put myself out there.

Over the last few weeks and maybe two months, a time period that I seem to be writing a lot about lately, I did everything all wrong again. Except this time it wasn't a single moment of weakness but a whole month's worth of it. Instead of learning from past experience and doing what I should've done from the beginning when things wouldn't have ended up the way they did, I prolonged one moment of rejection into 2 months of it, which partially fed into my last month's temporary depression, if one can even call it that.

I've been trying to tell myself that if things turned out the way they did tonight, it would be exactly what I needed to have things back to normal and that is what I wanted from the start, but I would be lying to everyone and especially myself if I said it didn't hurt. But it wasn't any sort of deep saddness, just that feeling that wells up inside your chest cavity. Like all of a sudden gravity has a hold upon something inbetween my ribs. Its like that nervous butterfly in your stomach feeling, except in your chest, and a sort of spinning sensation, but only where your heart is, instead of where your food goes to digest, and slower. But no tears or anything came to my eyes the way they do in sad movies, especially scenes where somebody dying tells the other character that they did it all for them. Instead, the feeling just lingered inside of me. All of this will come to pass I'm sure. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow morning and I'll feel nothing about it because I told myself that it didn't matter to me one way or another, but somehow I doubt it.

Perhaps what I should have learned is that all that I have is in this moment. Don't put off what I can do because I think things will always stay the same, because nothing ever stays the same. I know it seems like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not. I think I feel the worst for the people that had to spend significant time with me the last few weeks. Instead of just holding it all in or letting it all spill out, I let my emotions slowly seep out of me at quite possibly the most inopportune times when nobody wanted to hear about it. I just hate how things had to turn out, not just from what happened tonight, but the way that I was able to ruin things that were rolling along just fine.

The worst thing a person can lose is hope. And I think thats where my sucking feeling inside my chest comes from. It wasn't the message I received on my phone tonight, but rather the loss of my hope. Hope for something I was delusional about anyways. Hope for something that I probably created in my mind because I am so good at overthinking everything. And although I've lost part of my hope, there's always more, hope springs eternal and all of that jazz. So I guess what I hope for now isn't for a summer of holding hands and taking pictures in old timey photo booths (the ones in black and white where you have to wait outside the booth for 5 minutes for them to develop) and watching fireworks from rooftops, but instead, now I hope for something more practical. I hope that I've learned something from all of this. And I hope that everybody who would take the time to read this rambling post of mine, for whatever reason, I hope its because you care about me. But even if you read it because you're nosy or bored, I'm just glad you read it at all, and I really do hope you have the most wonderful day.

AFI - The Missing Frame

P.S. I also really hope Italy kicks France's sorry butt. Forza Azzurri!

I think the way that I've been feeling last month is just a way for me to try to hold onto the way things used to be. Disneyland and the people I've meet there have been a major part of my life for nearly the last three years and I know I'm pusing my limits from a college job to becoming a lifer. I think I know that I'll never be a lifer as easy as it is to simply stay and never leave. Last year if I were offered the chance to walk away I don't think I would've been able to, but after the last few months I think it will be easier for me to do so.

Things just aren't the way they used to be anymore. My friendships are still valuable to me but they aren't quite the same as they used to be. I'm not sure if its because I've changed or if my friends have changed, or both. But as much as I enjoy my time with them, for the most part, I feel disconnected. Somebody pointed it out to me that it takes an effort to be friends with people now when before it was so natural. And sure, you can say that people need to try in order to maintain relationships with other people, and I certainly want to keep the friendships so I try to make the effort to keep them but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Friendships that used to simply just "be" are no longer that simple. They used to just be something I didn't need to "do" because they used to be so natural, have all but disappeared. Its not like I've lost them, but as much as I hate to admit it, the dynamic has changed no matter how much I deny that they haven't because I wish that they hadn't.

I don't know what it is, but just a few months ago everything was so simple. I know nobody will admit to it, for whatever reason, but I can see it and feel it. Being friends has now become about doing stuff together when once upon a time it was just about being together. Now anytime I hang out, it seems to me, there has to be a plan and we have to be doing "stuff" otherwise it almost feels like why are we spending time together? And I definately do enjoy spending the time with people, but it feels almost forced, at least my participation does. It used to be about going to Denny's because we needed somewhere to sit while talking and just passing the time. Perhaps I'm remembering something that never was and now people just have better things to do with their time? I don't know. I can't expect things to never change, but maybe I just didn't expect things to change so quickly. I can't help but feel that I'm not as close to anybody as I was just two months ago, despite my best efforts to share myself more with people. And I'm okay with that, because its just a sign that perhaps its time to move on. But like with most things, I just wish I could have things back the way they were, even if they only existed that way in my mind, if just for one more night or two.

The Cure - Friday I'm In Love

I remember one time I said something about I shouldn't let things bother me any more. And I really wish I could learn to apply that. I told my mom once that people need to learn to let the little things go and I really wish I could just do that. Today at work I was completely fine but every so often I would see a glance of something and it would remind me of something else and my thoughts would come creeping back even though I really want to be able to just let things be the way they are.

So the last few days I've been at home by myself. First of all I don't ever want to live alone. After spending 4 days in Paris alone and living by myself and coming home to an empty home, knowing nobody will be home, I don't like it. I realize that I don't really talk to my parents at night when I get home and usually they leave in the morning before I even get home, but I like not feeling alone. Plus, when I'm at home at night, I have to have tons of lights on in my house. I'll turn on the hallway lights, the living room, the kitchen, pretty much every light in the house where people normally would be if my family was home. I also like to have music blaring or the television on in the living room, even if I'm not watching. I tell myself in my head that its better to have that stuff on because in case there are burgalars or something they'll think people are home and be less inclined to try to pillage my home or rape me, or worse, but to be honest, its so I feel less alone that way. I don't like the silence, or the darkness.

Plus, I've got this weird thing where I think people or things are sneaking around my house if its just me home alone. As I kid, I used to think that there would be creatures that only appeared in the dark or nighttime and I would be afraid to cross the hallway from one room to the next because it would be dark at the other end of the hall so I'd have to run and close my eyes until I made it into the next room. I don't run any more but in my mind I still have to mentally brace myself if I'm going to enter a dark part of my house, when I'm home alone. Plus, there could be clowns and I hate clowns at night time. Clowns on tv, clowns in the circus, all cool. Clowns looking into the windows of my house? Holy shit, not cool, not cool at all.

Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today

I watched Lost in Translation and Garden State today and I can't decide which character I'm more in love with, Natalie Portman's or Scarlett Johansson's. I guess what I'm really saying is would I rather be cool like Zach Braff or cool like Bill Murray. But I'm not nearly as cool as either of them and I don't think I could get a cool girl like those two either.

My mom has been away for nearly 2 months now and today she called me and she was asking me questions about what I've been doing and things like that and I didn't have anything to tell her. Then she asked me if I was alright because it felt like there was a wall built up between the two of us but I don't know why she would say that because it seems to me that there has always been something between me and my parents. And I think that all goes back to my inability to connect with people. If I can't connect with my parents how can I connect with other people who haven't been nearly as prominent in my life?

Arctic Monkeys - When the Sun Goes Down

I don't have any clue what I want. I mean I know what I think I want, but are those things what I really want? Or are they simply quick fixes for flaws that are inherent in my personality? For example, I, like many, am so desperate for a relationship, but its not even like I just want to be in a relationship, I want to be able to just share everything with somebody, and for them to want to share with me. But I know that is unreasonable and things don't happen that way. But do I want to be in a relationship because I truly desire to share my life with another person? Or is it because I think that this other person will cure my life. I like to tell myself that if I had another person who was willing to be with me that I know they wouldn't be a cure all, but rather somebody who could somehow alleviate my own fears and help me face the things that come in life. And isn't that what having a relationship is about? But then I don't seem to able to find that person and I have unrealistic expectations about things before I've even begun to have such a relationship. But thats just one example of answers in my life that escape me.

I forget where I heard this quote, but it goes something like "I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want this." And thats how I feel about myself, my life and almost everything else. I feel so lost and sometimes alone. I know my parents are there for me, in a sense, and my friends all seem to be willing to lend a hand, and yet, I can't help but feel that I'm lacking something.

I've grown up being guided, more or less, my entire life and now that I've grown I don't have any clue where to go. My options are wide open and I can't pick. And when I think I've chosen something that door slams shut, at least recently anyways. Tomorrow's another day.

Deathcab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark I could listen to this song over and over, forever.

I think its time that I started writing for myself again. This MySpace phenomenon is ruining my life, both literally and in my mind as well. First, on Tuesday, which is street sweeping day on my side of the street, every week for the last 22 years of my life, I got a ticket. I knew that the street sweepers were coming yet I left my car parked out front while I was commenting on peoples' MySpace when I could've just left my house on time and avoided a $39 parking ticket. But thats not what really upsets me.

MySpace has taken my life over. When I come home I have to check my email, which will tell me whether or not somebody has left me a comment. I feel slightly sad when I haven't received one for an entire day, but whats worse is when you've left somebody a comment, and you don't receive a reply and you know they've been online because you're creepy like that and you checked their MySpace and they responded to some other comment on their page because you checked your friend's friend's page. How paranoid and insecure is that? I've never had such a swing in emotions as the one that MySpace has sent me on. Its like I need constant reaffirmation of my friendship with everybody that I know. I go to other peoples' pages in good faith to leave them a friendly comment or ask them a question and when they don't respond you ask yourself, were they too busy to respond? Or do they not care enough even though I took time out my day to leave them a comment in the hopes of brightening up their day? Or am I just overthinking things and my life wasn't nearly this complicated before MySpace? And then about a week ago I was deseperate for comments. I was actively complaining, on the phone, to a friend that nobody had commented on my page. I had left a comment for a good friend of mine that I thought for sure they'd comment me back and they didn't. I thought my life was over. But the worst part of this is that I know the person who didn't comment me back is my friend no matter what and I was ON THE PHONE with another friend so its not like it was my only friend in the world. I hate MySpace and yet I can't live without it.

I'd like to welcome myself back to the world of blogging and journal writing. Hurray for me.

Angels and Airwaves - Start the Machine