The other day at the gym I was shooting hoops and for some reason it dawned on me. Like somewhere in my mind, it yelled out to me "You can do anything you set your mind to!" And I got completely psyched up. I completely believed in myself. Its like somewhere I got this super powerful belief in my own abilities to do anything I wanted to. I know I hear this everywhere I go, and kids get told this all the time, but for 15 minutes I really believed it. I guess I've always known I'm capable of anything. Like if I can lose weight and keep a job for 3 years why can't I do anything I want to? It was one of those moments where it was like everything in the universe aligns and anything is possible. Unfortunately, I wasted it alone, shooting free throws, trying to prove my theory by making as many in a row as I could. The moment has since passed. But I still feel the residual effects I think. I think I've been gradually easing towards this realization of my own ablities. Something that people are born with or quickly discover has taken me 23 years to begin to figure out. I should have confidence in my own abilities.

Wednesday night I went to Knott's Scary Farm. I forgot how much fun Ghost Rider is. That ride is insanity. We waited over an hour in line for it and it was worth it all. I haven't waited that long for a ride at Disneyland in a LONG time but man was Ghost Rider fun. Knott's was quite fun. But it makes me a bit sad. I totally wanted to be scared but I was only scared once. I hate to sound dramatic, but I wanted to be scared so I could really feel something. I realize that sounds like I'm emotionally dead inside and I can't experience the world, but what I mean is I'm so jaded and desensitized and I'm always watching out and trying to keep myself level that I don't even let myself get scared. I guess the monsters try to scare girls more often than guys to heighten the evening because girls scream louder and they hug the guys which makes everybody happy but I sort of wanted to be scared too. When I went to Knotts, back when I was younger, I was too chicken to get into the fun of being scared and I always tried to outsmart the monsters by peeking around corners and I didn't realize that getting scared WAS the point. But having to be a tough guy I pretended not to be affected by their creepy costumes and snarling noises. I was only scared once this time around and the rest of the time I wandered the mazes, jumping when monsters scared those around me, trying to get into the moment without REALLY being scared. But spending time with people is good too and I'm glad I did that. Plus, it was free for me, so I can't complain too much.

So today I was watching My Super Sweet Sixteen and this show usually is entertainingly apalling in the spoiledness of the kids. Like they're born into luxury and they're insane in what they want. But then an episode today had a girl who was in foster care for the first 14 years of her life and she'd never had a birthday party before and I thought "Wow, its good that they picked a girl that deserves it." And I really wanted to like her because it was like she deserved it, she still turned out to be a giant brat. I don't know if its because MTV wanted to show that angle but you could tell she wasn't supre crazy like some of the kids on the show. They started the episode out with her going back to her old foster home and it was pretty shoddy and I thought MTV was trying to make it a nice story about her deserving an elaborate party since she was a nice girl. But then it just went back into the formula of showing off her outrageous demands and petty squabbles with her friends. But her parents seemed really happy. And I wonder about that. Do adoptive parents adopt kids because the kids deserve to have a better life? Or do they do it because they feel its their way of giving back and it fulfills some need in their life and it makes them happy? I wanted to adopt a dog a long while back (and I still do) and I definately want to because I somehow think a dog will be a companion that I can't seem to find in another person (at least not yet). But I want to adopt one, as opposed to buying one because the dogs at the shelter deserve homes as much, and maybe moreso than dogs they breed to sell. Right?

Jeremy Kay - Have It All