I'm sure everybody goes through this, but can I help it if I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. It feels as though I don't even know how to make or keep friends much less anything more significant than that. I think I'm afraid of being judged on one hand, but then on the other hand, by trusting people, I feel like I'm simply wasting their time because they have better things to do. I very much feel like I've missed out on having a person unconditionally love me, outside of my parents, whom I don't really relate to.

I was going back through my old Christmas posts and the 2004 December post was right before I left for Italy and I wasn't sure if I was going to get a leave of absence, which I did get eventually. I know its not good to think about What Ifs, but I very much wonder what would've become of me had I been forced to quit working at Disneyland at that point.

I think I realized this about myself a long time ago, but I never wanted to admit it. I think I am afraid of success. "Do I fear success because if somehow I reach my goal and I'm still unhappy I'll feel even worse? Getting a six pack is something I want, but I avoid it. By having one, does it mean I'll have one less thing I can blame in my life?"