Haha wow, that last post was really not good. I tried to make like this back and forth comparison between the way my life was going and how the Dodger game for that night was going. Like I would be doing pretty good, and the Dodgers would take the lead. Then in my life I'd screw up, just like the Dodgers would blow the lead. Anyways, it was a really poorly described analogy. Probably would've looked good as a movie montage sequence though.

So I went to the Dodgers game the other night and they lost, again, of course. This blows. The Dodgers suck balls. But the company was good at least.

So my mom left the country for a while a few months back. She went to teach English to little children in Taiwan and thats good for her because she just retired and thats what she wanted to do with her time. And since she's been back I haven't really spent time with her. You know how it is when you live with somebody but you don't spend time with them? Its like we occupy the same space, but we only meet in the kitchen and living room. I guess thats how its always been for my family. My mom then wrote me an email but it must've been a day or two ago to an email address that I don't check daily.

Anyways, she writes me to apologize for the way she raised me. Like she says she thinks her and my father did the right things in taking me to school and providing me with food and stuff but they didn't talk to me enough to aid in my "emotional development" or whatever. I always knew this was true, but I just figured it was an Asian thing, like Asian families just don't communicate. But she then tells me that our whole family has communication problems, between her and my father, between me and both my parents. So I knew this too, but I only recently understood how it has affected me. For the longest time, I did not realize that the lack of communication between my parents and myself was something that would affect me in life until the last few years. Like I just always assumed not communicating with my parents was just something everybody went through, but now I realize that because of a lack of true open communication (or any sort of communication) with my parents has made me sort of detached from other people. I don't know how to express my feelings to others and truly trust other people. Maybe thats why I've done so poorly in terms of establishing and maintaining friendships. And maybe thats why I've written so many godforsaken letters lately, and in my life. Its a way for me to communicate, but without actually having to do it. And maybe thats why I keep this blog too. To share my feelings without having to deal with other peoples' reactions. I don't know what to think anymore. But somebody once told me to stop blaming my parents and I need to take charge and I certainly am trying to do that. So if I get weird in the near future, or whenever, just bear with me, I'm just trying to share more of myself. I think I need to start to spend more time with my mom too.

Incubus - I Wish You Were Here