I think the way that I've been feeling last month is just a way for me to try to hold onto the way things used to be. Disneyland and the people I've meet there have been a major part of my life for nearly the last three years and I know I'm pusing my limits from a college job to becoming a lifer. I think I know that I'll never be a lifer as easy as it is to simply stay and never leave. Last year if I were offered the chance to walk away I don't think I would've been able to, but after the last few months I think it will be easier for me to do so.

Things just aren't the way they used to be anymore. My friendships are still valuable to me but they aren't quite the same as they used to be. I'm not sure if its because I've changed or if my friends have changed, or both. But as much as I enjoy my time with them, for the most part, I feel disconnected. Somebody pointed it out to me that it takes an effort to be friends with people now when before it was so natural. And sure, you can say that people need to try in order to maintain relationships with other people, and I certainly want to keep the friendships so I try to make the effort to keep them but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Friendships that used to simply just "be" are no longer that simple. They used to just be something I didn't need to "do" because they used to be so natural, have all but disappeared. Its not like I've lost them, but as much as I hate to admit it, the dynamic has changed no matter how much I deny that they haven't because I wish that they hadn't.

I don't know what it is, but just a few months ago everything was so simple. I know nobody will admit to it, for whatever reason, but I can see it and feel it. Being friends has now become about doing stuff together when once upon a time it was just about being together. Now anytime I hang out, it seems to me, there has to be a plan and we have to be doing "stuff" otherwise it almost feels like why are we spending time together? And I definately do enjoy spending the time with people, but it feels almost forced, at least my participation does. It used to be about going to Denny's because we needed somewhere to sit while talking and just passing the time. Perhaps I'm remembering something that never was and now people just have better things to do with their time? I don't know. I can't expect things to never change, but maybe I just didn't expect things to change so quickly. I can't help but feel that I'm not as close to anybody as I was just two months ago, despite my best efforts to share myself more with people. And I'm okay with that, because its just a sign that perhaps its time to move on. But like with most things, I just wish I could have things back the way they were, even if they only existed that way in my mind, if just for one more night or two.

The Cure - Friday I'm In Love