I don't have any clue what I want. I mean I know what I think I want, but are those things what I really want? Or are they simply quick fixes for flaws that are inherent in my personality? For example, I, like many, am so desperate for a relationship, but its not even like I just want to be in a relationship, I want to be able to just share everything with somebody, and for them to want to share with me. But I know that is unreasonable and things don't happen that way. But do I want to be in a relationship because I truly desire to share my life with another person? Or is it because I think that this other person will cure my life. I like to tell myself that if I had another person who was willing to be with me that I know they wouldn't be a cure all, but rather somebody who could somehow alleviate my own fears and help me face the things that come in life. And isn't that what having a relationship is about? But then I don't seem to able to find that person and I have unrealistic expectations about things before I've even begun to have such a relationship. But thats just one example of answers in my life that escape me.

I forget where I heard this quote, but it goes something like "I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want this." And thats how I feel about myself, my life and almost everything else. I feel so lost and sometimes alone. I know my parents are there for me, in a sense, and my friends all seem to be willing to lend a hand, and yet, I can't help but feel that I'm lacking something.

I've grown up being guided, more or less, my entire life and now that I've grown I don't have any clue where to go. My options are wide open and I can't pick. And when I think I've chosen something that door slams shut, at least recently anyways. Tomorrow's another day.

Deathcab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark I could listen to this song over and over, forever.