I don't even know how to begin. I don't even know how I feel or how I should feel about it, about all of it. Its a funny thing. I guess I got what I wanted although in a very roundabout way. But how I feel about it is so very different from what I expected. Maybe it was the way it happened.

I was watching Las Vegas, the television show, (horrible, I know) last night and Vanessa Marcil's character's brother broke up with some other girl on the show and then while getting very drunk he said "I never get anything right. Name one thing I didn't screw up." And Vanessa Marcil tells him about some time that he did do something right and it was touching because she seemed to help him out. Although I don't think I've never done anything right, it feels like I've blown every chance I've ever had to do anything.

I wrote an entry a while ago about this guy I knew once upon a time freshman year in the dorms but I never posted it, for whatever reason. The general gist of it is that we were on the verge of being very good friends, like we both enjoyed the same things, basketball, movies, and not just enjoyed them but had the same taste, for the most part. So we became pretty good friends. Towards the end of the school year, I was at home and my friend and other dorm people were still at school and they were getting drunk and my friend, during the course of chatting on AIM asked me about what we were going to do over the summer and where our friendship stood since everybody would be moving out of the dorms, etc. I just brushed him off and cited some stupid reason like I didn't want to talk about it and although nothing came of me not answering the question, I very much feel that it changed our relationship because I was unwilling to just step up and admit we had become good friends and instead we are now merely acquaintances. So long story short, I really feel like I lost out on a very valuable friendship simply because I was unwilling to put myself out there.

Over the last few weeks and maybe two months, a time period that I seem to be writing a lot about lately, I did everything all wrong again. Except this time it wasn't a single moment of weakness but a whole month's worth of it. Instead of learning from past experience and doing what I should've done from the beginning when things wouldn't have ended up the way they did, I prolonged one moment of rejection into 2 months of it, which partially fed into my last month's temporary depression, if one can even call it that.

I've been trying to tell myself that if things turned out the way they did tonight, it would be exactly what I needed to have things back to normal and that is what I wanted from the start, but I would be lying to everyone and especially myself if I said it didn't hurt. But it wasn't any sort of deep saddness, just that feeling that wells up inside your chest cavity. Like all of a sudden gravity has a hold upon something inbetween my ribs. Its like that nervous butterfly in your stomach feeling, except in your chest, and a sort of spinning sensation, but only where your heart is, instead of where your food goes to digest, and slower. But no tears or anything came to my eyes the way they do in sad movies, especially scenes where somebody dying tells the other character that they did it all for them. Instead, the feeling just lingered inside of me. All of this will come to pass I'm sure. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow morning and I'll feel nothing about it because I told myself that it didn't matter to me one way or another, but somehow I doubt it.

Perhaps what I should have learned is that all that I have is in this moment. Don't put off what I can do because I think things will always stay the same, because nothing ever stays the same. I know it seems like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not. I think I feel the worst for the people that had to spend significant time with me the last few weeks. Instead of just holding it all in or letting it all spill out, I let my emotions slowly seep out of me at quite possibly the most inopportune times when nobody wanted to hear about it. I just hate how things had to turn out, not just from what happened tonight, but the way that I was able to ruin things that were rolling along just fine.

The worst thing a person can lose is hope. And I think thats where my sucking feeling inside my chest comes from. It wasn't the message I received on my phone tonight, but rather the loss of my hope. Hope for something I was delusional about anyways. Hope for something that I probably created in my mind because I am so good at overthinking everything. And although I've lost part of my hope, there's always more, hope springs eternal and all of that jazz. So I guess what I hope for now isn't for a summer of holding hands and taking pictures in old timey photo booths (the ones in black and white where you have to wait outside the booth for 5 minutes for them to develop) and watching fireworks from rooftops, but instead, now I hope for something more practical. I hope that I've learned something from all of this. And I hope that everybody who would take the time to read this rambling post of mine, for whatever reason, I hope its because you care about me. But even if you read it because you're nosy or bored, I'm just glad you read it at all, and I really do hope you have the most wonderful day.

AFI - The Missing Frame

P.S. I also really hope Italy kicks France's sorry butt. Forza Azzurri!