I remember one time I said something about I shouldn't let things bother me any more. And I really wish I could learn to apply that. I told my mom once that people need to learn to let the little things go and I really wish I could just do that. Today at work I was completely fine but every so often I would see a glance of something and it would remind me of something else and my thoughts would come creeping back even though I really want to be able to just let things be the way they are.

So the last few days I've been at home by myself. First of all I don't ever want to live alone. After spending 4 days in Paris alone and living by myself and coming home to an empty home, knowing nobody will be home, I don't like it. I realize that I don't really talk to my parents at night when I get home and usually they leave in the morning before I even get home, but I like not feeling alone. Plus, when I'm at home at night, I have to have tons of lights on in my house. I'll turn on the hallway lights, the living room, the kitchen, pretty much every light in the house where people normally would be if my family was home. I also like to have music blaring or the television on in the living room, even if I'm not watching. I tell myself in my head that its better to have that stuff on because in case there are burgalars or something they'll think people are home and be less inclined to try to pillage my home or rape me, or worse, but to be honest, its so I feel less alone that way. I don't like the silence, or the darkness.

Plus, I've got this weird thing where I think people or things are sneaking around my house if its just me home alone. As I kid, I used to think that there would be creatures that only appeared in the dark or nighttime and I would be afraid to cross the hallway from one room to the next because it would be dark at the other end of the hall so I'd have to run and close my eyes until I made it into the next room. I don't run any more but in my mind I still have to mentally brace myself if I'm going to enter a dark part of my house, when I'm home alone. Plus, there could be clowns and I hate clowns at night time. Clowns on tv, clowns in the circus, all cool. Clowns looking into the windows of my house? Holy shit, not cool, not cool at all.

Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today