Christmas time. Its a time for family and for showing the ones you care about that you care about them by giving them things. I'm very confused. Nobody in my family goes to church, no one is particularly religious, except for my aunt and my mom, who are what can best be generalized as Buddhist. So why do we exchange gifts every year amongst the family members? When I was a kid I can't recall think about this because I only cared about getting gifts and playing with my cousins. But now that I'm grown and the adults no longer shower the "children," who are mostly college graduates now, with gifts. This year all the parents, mine and my aunts/uncles all decided the "kids" don't need gifts or money from them any more and we bought each other gifts instead. This made me realize the holiday, for my extended family, is an odd thing. Its like we celebrate it because we live in America and the holiday here is such a part of the culture. My cousins and myself are all the first generation of kids born here in the United States and perhaps celebrating this holiday was a way for the family to help us meld into our dual lives that we live.

I can remember my mom used to buy tickets for the family to goto this church performance of the story of Christmas at Crystal Cathedral. It was a really nice one with flying angels and everything, and perhaps she just enjoyed the production values, but mixing that with the non-denominational nature of my family seems odd. But I've even been to a Christian summer camp as well as Buddhist ones (the Christian ones were more fun, archery is infinitely more exciting than chanting). I suppose this lends to explain why I do have exposure to many different cultures and people and why I feel I'm generally accepting of everyone but I also think that it has played a part in my lack of a social identity. America is indeed a melting pot, but I don't know how well I've mixed in. Like in the recipe of America's melting pot, I'm one of those ingredients that fits in and enhances the soup but really doesn't belong? No, that was a horrible analogy. I got a better one, I'm like the crust that forms on the top of the soup, I fit in but I'm still sort of on the outside of the soup. Enjoyable, but not a necessity. Wow, that was an amazing analogy, I win!

I think Christmas, although it is the celebration of the life and birth of Christ, it has definitely evolved into something else in this day and age. Obviously the commercialism of the gift giving is a something entire books have been written for, the fact that it represents a happy time for children and time for family to get together still means something nice. Even if they just called it winter break, like they do at elementary schools for politically correct purposes, I still think it means the same thing. You can hate commercialism, but you can't hate that it allows time for family to be together and gives children time off school and adults time off work for a good reason, to be with family. Even if the Christmas name is misleading and the gift giving often leads to lighter wallets.

Happy Non-Denominational Christmas! Yay for rambling posts!

Bloc Party - Flux

I bought a new car today, one that turned out pricier than I was looking for. I guess it has been a learning experience. I was trying to avoid buying a car because all of the money I had saved up I had been saving for something grand and exciting and now that I have very little savings I feel exactly how I thought I would, tied down. Having monthly payments and having to work to make them, being in debt for the next 4 or 5 years gives me a mid-life crisis feeling. Signing the paperwork for my car didn't make me happy particularly. Don't get me wrong, I like my car and prior to signing the paperwork I definitely felt like it was the car that I liked the most of the cars I looked it, but afterwards, coming home, and looking at my savings and realizing I'll be owing $300 $350 whatever a month until I'm 28-29 years old makes me sad. It is definitely true that I don't like commitment but I also very much feel trapped by the debt. I feel like I've sacrificed a bit of my future today. Buyer's remorse? Maybe.

Radiohead - Reckoner

I'm getting ready to goto work and looking at Harrison Ford on the box cover of my Indiana Jones DVD set. What a cool guy. Which job am I getting ready for? I'm getting ready to go operate a ride at Disneyland. Its a job generally reserved for college kids and retired people, which I am neither. Is it normal to always feel like you're in a state of transition? Isn't there some point where you're supposed to feel like this is where you belong in that moment? Maybe its just me, but it feels like there are constantly decisions and choices to be made at every turn. Like recently I have to decide if I want to buy a car, used or new, cheap or expensive. Do I want to have monthly payments? Do I just want to buy a used car with the cash I have? If I have monthly payments, it means I'm stuck with them and it generally means I'm stuck financially. Then I have two jobs. I can't and don't want to quit my entry level job, but I don't want to commit at the well paying "adult" job because I don't enjoy anything about it (outside of the pay and wearing ties). Its like I always have one foot in and one foot out.

Kanye West - Everything I Am

At what age can a person really change? At what point in your life do you stop developing and you just are what you are? Is it never? Is it after you graduate college? When you turn 30? Behaviorally, when do people cease becoming a person and you just ARE a person?

I remember sometime late in high school or maybe it was early in college, someone told me or I read somewhere, or whatever, I came to the realization that people with low self-esteem didn't look up when they walked. Animals too, like dogs who were not confident drooped their heads down low most of the time as did humans. So being the fatty that I was with no self-esteem I made it a point to walk with my head up as much as possible. Not in that snooty way where I have to lower my glasses to grandma status on the bridge of my nose to see people, but just to where I look up while I'm walking. So tonight coming out of the gym I caught myself staring at the ground and I looked up. But I realized that by holding my head up high while walking was hardly a solution to the bigger problem. Treating the symptoms isn't actually treating the disease. It was like rearranging deck-chairs on the Titanic. I was, or better yet, I am, missing the big fucking picture.

Will I ever be able to be confident? Is it really about just taking the leap and jumping in? Like the more you do it the easier it gets? Do you really just act more confident and eventually you become it? Or do you work towards being the person you envision yourself to be and once you get there you'll be confident because you're confident in what you've made yourself into? Someone I know frequently says that you have to accept people for who they are and you can't try to change them. What if I want to change myself? Can I even do it? Is it because I lack the willpower? Or is it because I am who I am and I should just accept it? It seems rather disheartening if its true that we cannot change. So I refuse to believe that. But to illustrate the extent of my many issues:

Today at the gym I was looking at myself in the mirror, vain, I know, but I realized that I actually believe myself to be better looking when I'm working out. Like if I look at myself in the mirror at home before I leave my house or before I start work, sometimes I hate the way I look but when I'm at the gym, it doesn't matter how my hair looks or what clothes I'm wearing, I feel like I look better. And its not just my arms or my body, which may look slightly different because my muscles are in use (hopefully) at the gym, but I literally look at my face and see a better looking person. Its completely mental!

I think I need a 12-Step program for my life. Hello, My name is Jonathan Kuo and I've got serious self-esteem issues.

Also, I'm very very very excited about next Thursday night. I really want to read Harry Potter so badly, but at the same time I'm nervous too. But I think about a gajillion other people can relate. Then there is this little fear I have that at the release "party" that someone with friends in England or the east coast (where the book will be released first) will just drive by and yell out what happens. That would be the worst! It might be the first time a group of children got together to murder someone. Nobody is that mean, right?

Brett Dennen - Ain't No Reason

Its like I'm still stuck in last year. I was thinking about how my birthday is coming up (sort of) and how the 23rd year of my life has been going and I think since last August things have been going pretty well. I've had a lot of fun and I've done new things, met new people, but when it comes down to it, I'm almost in the exact same place that I was when another year passed in my life. I don't mean I'm physically in the same place, which I am, still living at home, but just everything. I am in the same place emotionally, career wise, and yeah, physically too.

Why do I care about it so much? I don't even want it. I mean I do, but thinking about it, I know that it wouldn't be what I am dreaming it would be. Why not try it? Because that would be absurd. Plus, I don't think enough time has passed even if I were going to do it.

Does anybody else find that the people they get along with best aren't the people that they are physically attracted to?

Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass

How come I only want things that other people want or things I can't have?

Tonight my mom and I were watching Conan O'Brien and he did some skit about the University of Illinois getting a new (more offensive) mascot than their previous one, the somewhat racist Native American Indian Chief Illiniwek. Anyways, Conan came up with something even more offensive and it was S&M Abe Lincoln. So theres this guy with S&M leather gear on, with a whip, a Abe Lincoln top hat and a Abe Lincoln beard/sideburns. He whips himself as he walks across the set in a playful manner as Conan looks appalled. I giggled my way through the joke, but I don't think my mom got it. So then when the joke ends, the camera zooms in on S&M Abe Lincoln's face and he has one of those red gag balls with the leather straps in his mouth like and my mom asks me, "Why does he have a ball in his mouth." I wasn't exactly sure how to explain this to her, so I didn't.

Then during the commercial, she asked me what I would do if I found out I was going to die soon. Like what would three things be that I would do if I knew it was all coming to an end. I stalled because I didn't know how to answer. Its like one of those questions that come out of a book. Live your life like its your last day or whatever. So I asked her how long do I have to live? 1 week? 1 month? 1 day? But really I was just avoiding answering since I didn't really have a good answer. But I considered it seriously and I don't know what I would have to do. My mom suggested that I would go back to Rome and I think if I had a month, I would love to go back for a few days. But I don't know if there is anything I would regret not doing. One of the things I would want to do is take some kids to Disneyland and play with them all day. Honestly, I absolutely love it when kids get to see and experience things for the first time, so it wouldn't even have to be Disneyland. Its like that magical age when they're 4 or 5 before they are jaded by other children from school and still young enough to believe that they are meeting a princess or Mickey Mouse. I would love to be a part of that, it makes me feel good.

Another thing I would want to do is tell everybody I know how I really feel about them. Not in a bad way, but I'd love to get everybody together and just talk to them about how much they've meant to me and how I wish them well. It'd be like having a pre-funeral party. At funeral's people talk about how much a person has meant to them but I think I'd want to tell everybody how I feel about them before I die. Why don't I do this all the time you say? I don't know, it seems like it'd be really weird. There's a line that people usually don't cross in terms of expressing feelings unless circumstances warrant, and those usually include being drunk, very late nights, serious serious conversations in Denny's parking lots and in this case, pending death.

I wonder how does one overcome the influence of the relationship parents have with each other and duplicating it in their own life? On Loveline, they always talk about how people seek out relationships similar to those had by their parents and relationships that the child has with the parent, can this be avoided somehow?

Also, I posted something that I had written a while back. I think it is one of those things that I would reveal if I were dying, because it contains serious feelings and stuff. Its a few posts back if you're interested.

Bloc Party - Banquet

Do you ever have this feeling where you want to record what you're feeling and seeing and hearing because you know you won't be able to accurately replay it in your mind? Like you'll lose the feeling because so much amazing stuff is happening? Well that happened tonight. I went to go see This American Life live at UCLA and it was stupendous. It was amazing. I laughed, I "awwwww"ed, I cheered, I found a new appreciation for The OC, yes, the television show. OK Go was there, they were pretty awesome too.

Ira Glass, the host, well, I'll just say when it started off, it wasn't what I expected. I've been listening to this radio program for some time now, on and off. I did listen to it quite a bit and then I'd not listen, but now with the podcast I listen every week. But its weird to see a radio personality in person. I don't know if I could equate this to any other situation. The only other person's voice who I've listened to this much is Vin Scully but I know what he looks like. I've never really had to imagine what he looks like talking. I'm very familiar with his face and his mannerisms. I can imagine Vin telling me a story when I hear his radio broadcasts. (Speaking of which, I've sorely missed Dodger baseball and the sound of Vin's voice, so I'm glad the season will start shortly.) But with Ira Glass, I've never really put a face to his voice. I'd seen his picture before, on the website, but its a black and white close up and fairly small, and I've never had a crush on him so I haven't made it a point to find more pictures of him, I simply loved his radio program a lot. To hear and see at the same time, this guy who I've "known" for so long, its surreal. Like I felt like I should close my eyes because I've never had his voice associated with a visual stimulant too. But the way he talks, its even cooler in person, if thats possible or makes any sort of sense. I appreciate his talking even more, now that I've seen him ... talking.

This American Life is an amazing show. If I had simply heard this episode on a podcast or on KCRW it wouldn't have been my favorite but even still, this one was awesome. John Hodgman was hilarious. Every show of TAL is excellent and I like to think most people can appreciate it, so go listen. Free podcasts, absolutely free.

I love that these people who I admire appear to be so human, despite a whole room, a whole auditorium of people who are geeked out fans. Oh, and Jack Black was in attendance as well. Maybe he didn't feel as giddy over the whole thing. But to illustrate how exciting it is, another short story. After the show, a random lady, Nicola McGee, handed my friend (not a bitch, might I add) and I a white envelope with instructions to goto a reception after-party where we received free beer (yes) and both Ira Glass and John Hodgman were there. I know, amazing. But while we mustered up the courage to talk to them, all I could do was think, "I want to tell Ira that I love The OC too, and his public love for it vindicated my love for that show!" But when I got there, all I could do was get an autograph. He seemed like the coolest guy ever, and I still couldn't talk to him. And my conversation consisted of "Yes, my name is spelled J-O-N-A-T-H-A-N... Well, some people do spell it with an 'O' but they're weird." Augh! And I didn't even get a picture. But with John Hodgman, I got a picture and he spelled my name right, and he was really nice too! There was some debate between the two of us as to whether or not he would want to be approached by crazed fans. (Part of his segment was about his new found fame from being on the Apple Computer ads and how he never got recognized before and now he wishes he were.) So this evening was simply fabulous.

Also, I've recently decided I will travel across country by some combination of bus and train later this year. Details to follow, as warranted.

Oscar Peterson - Tea For Two

I wasn't sure how to rank it, but I just had like one of the best nights ever in my life. But I'll have to talk about it some other night.

Just to clarify, since it might not have been clear, since I probably am so popular that I might have multiple best friends named Christine, the Christine I refer to in the last post is this one: http://www.shutupchristine.blogspot.com/ :D (I don't have other best friends named Christine. Sarcasm is the coolest.) If you want to read nice things about me, read her last two blogs. It doesn't happen often that I get nice things written about me for all to read (unless I'm writing them) so read up!

Since getting this new job of mine, people have been asking me why I don't do that one full time since the pay is better and I would work normal people hours instead of Disney hours. My answer to that is I very much like working for Disney and the people are generally very rad (as in radical). I think if I worked an office job only, I think that I would have fewer friends because the people that I talk to daily wouldn't have to talk to me any longer because I don't see them as often, or ever. Work friends are weird like that. You're friends because you work together, but when circumstances don't force you together, do you make an effort to see them? Or does the friendship just fade? Why do I have to think up shit like this?

But heres a list of some stuff (other than Christine's posts) that make me happy:

- Girl Scouts are delicious! Er... Girl Scouts bring deliciousness! Er.... I love thin mints.
- Dodger tickets went on sale and this season is looking very promising. I have bought a few games' worth, but I know you're just dying to come cheer for the Dodgers with me. So lets go!

Okay, well that was the list.

Mos Def - Katrina Clap

Thinking back on Flashback, I had a really great time. The two performance nights were amazing. Especially while we were getting ready for the show. I was bouncing off the walls, although that may have been the energy drinks I chugged. I like being a part of something like that. It makes me feel all warm inside. Not just because I was helping charity, but because I felt like part of a team. But I love writing about sad things, so heres what makes me sad about it. Flashback was so much fun and I got to know so many people, but when it ended, I didn't feel overly sad like I thought I might. I also lost my camera and that was a giant bummer, since I just got it something like three weeks ago. And people would tell me "I'd be bawling my eyes out" or "I'd be sooo sad if I lost my camera," and while I wasn't exactly happy about losing my camera, I didn't get overly distraught about it, for the most part. And I realized that I don't get very emotional about anything, not any more at least.

On the inside, I want to feel emotional about things. I try to psyche myself up and be excited about performing in Flashback. And I ran around singing songs and I was definitely hyped up but as far as being melancholy over the end of flashback and not seeing people anymore, I wasn't too broken up. I will certainly miss the nights and I wish I could see them more often because almost everybody on the team was nice to me and a joy to be around. But that got me thinking that I wasn't super sad about leaving Rome either. It was for sure bittersweet but I wasn't welling up with tears. I think I've become too emotionally detached from the world around me. Why that is, I don't know.

The last time I was really truly sad about leaving someplace or someone leaving me was in 10th grade of high school. My friend Tina was graduating and she wrote in my yearbook that I was like the little brother she never had. And I guess it was the wording and the fact that she told me something that touching and it was the first time I had known somebody who was going to leave me, changing the dynamic of my relationship with them that got me. I was extremely sad over her graduating and I can't say I've ever felt quite so sad about the end of something as I was then. Have I become a closed hearted person because I'm afraid of revealing my true feelings to people? Or have I just not found the right situation in which I would trust someone enough that we would care about each other that much? I really hope I haven't become so emotionally detached that I cannot have a relationship like that again, romantic or otherwise.

In any case, I still loved participating and being a part of Flashback. Thanks you for everybody who came and who participated in the fun! Get it blue!

On a different subject, I was sort of drunk after flashback and I was talking to somebody about how I feel about other people, and it may have been my asian glow talking for me, but I said there are a few people I would sacrifice my own happiness for if I knew that they would get what they want out of life, and I definitely think my friend Christine is on that short list because I honestly, with all of my heart, believe she is a wonderful person. Thanks :)

And then on another largely unrelated note. What on earth is wrong with me. I can't decide what the hell I want. Why do things have to be so complicated. Bleh.

Michael Buble - Home This song makes me think of Roma and how I miss it.

The other day I was talking to my manager about how I don't particularly like working at the Vault and that I haven't really felt like a part of the Disneyland Resort working outside of it. We spent nearly an hour discussing how working in a clothing store isn't the same as working in a store inside of the park and that now that I've graduated from college I should be doing something more productive with my life. But after that discussion, I played with Jordyn and Cameron, these two kids who were shopping with their mom and they were very adorable and I came to a new conclusion. I shouldn't feel ashamed to be working at Disneyland, especially if I like what I do. Why does it matter what other people think? After working that office job which I didn't like very much at all, despite the nice paycheck, I think that I should do what I want to do. Working at Disneyland makes me happy. I love that I get to see kids, or at least I used to, and I love what Disney represents, even if they are a gigantic corporate conglomerate who, despite all their nice posturing, treat their lower grunts like crap. I love the fairy tale aspect of the company and I love the people I work with. I'm not worried about life anymore, at least not right now. But I'm also crazy, so who knows when that might change soon. Ha! Whatever, I like that I work at Disney. I love dancing and flailing my arms! To the Windows..... To the wall! Ha!

On a largely unrelated note: What the hell bitch? What. the. hell. ....?

Girl Talk - Once Again

Note: This was written but never posted. It has since been released to the public on March 20, 2007. I like this post very much. Even if it makes me sound CRAZY (which I am).

Disregarding the fact that I may have pussyfooted around too long and already blown multiple chances, I think what it boils down to is how do I really feel about her. Do I like her? Did I? I want to, and I think I did. But it has been brought to my attention that I could either simply want physical acceptance. And the idea that I only liked her because she liked me to begin with has also crossed my mind. But I worry maybe we do indeed get along well except I have fooled myself and I don't want to like her because my fear of intimacy and lack of confidence have tricked me into not having to deal with the situation head-on. And by simply pretending I don't like her I can not have to take any sort of action at all, thus avoiding both physical and emotional intimacy.

I want to ask her out more than anything, but if its for the right reasons, I cannot say for certain. Or rather, I can, but there are so many different reasons. I want to ask her out because I like her. I want to ask her out so I can start putting together some semblance of a romantic life which up till this point I've never had. I want to ask her out because she loves John Stockton and This American Life. I want to ask her out because shes fun and incredibly cute. But I don't want to ask her out because I don't want to feel like I'm using her. I think I want to ask her out because I've never done something so daring like putting myself out there (which in and of itself is sad for a 23 year old male) and she seems like as good a person to ask out. But if I don't like her for certain, then it feels like I'm using her. Maybe the fact that I'm questioning whether or not I like her is proof that I don't feel that connection that is so desired amongst hopeless romantics. I feel like we have many things in common and I surely feel a physical attraction when we're together, on my end at least, but in my mind, have I created a block of the emotional attraction because I over-think things? Or is it because there really is a lack of a meshing of the minds?

The way things were left on Saturday afternoon, it felt quite final. And that saddens me a bit, and I know that I merely created it in my mind because I am just crazy like that. I always want to find some grand gesture or some sign that will define the way for me like some deus ex machina for my relationships, but I know real life doesn't happen like that. When I think of her right now, I think that I would love to spend some time with her. She could show me awesome music, I would enjoy talking to her about Bob Costas and my geekiness. But then I think that if I truly begin to talk about how dysfunctional my life and my family is, I won't be good enough for her and she won't understand. Is that the risk everyone has to take? Yes, it is.

And then I think to myself, what normal person would think all of the above, much less write it down. I wouldn't date a creep like me. Today someone told me to be assertive and aggressive and do what I will with her. It was nearly those exact words and I was offended by the frankness of the discussion. And maybe that scared me into submission now. I don't think I was ready for something like that. Maybe I'm just not cut out for dating or relationships or anything of the sort. Its like I'm still accelerating on the on-ramp and everybody I like has long since moved into the carpool lane. Most drivers are nice and will let that person merge but if they take too long, they just get passed up and honked at. I think I'm getting a fist shake and angry muttering already too.

Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead See? I stole this amazing song from her already.

Where does one draw the line? I'm still young right? Should I even be worried about that? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Why do I have to judge my own coolness or happiness or anything about myself based on what other people think of me? Should I take a more permanent job doing something I have no interest in doing and don't particularly enjoy now simply because it pays more and appears to be more successful than the job I enjoy? If I want to wear a denim jacket that is slightly too tight, shouldn't I just wear it? I'm quite proud I only paid $15 for it or whatever I paid even if it is a bit small. But I also don't want to look like a moron. Who cares if it was (probably) once a girl's jacket?

At least the last few weeks have been fun. Six Flags was pretty exciting. I'm the master at carnival games, now when I don't even want the prizes any more, I win them with ease. What is that? As a kid I always wanted to play, but I could only spend like $5 and I hardly ever ever won but now that I have more money to spend and I can win with some semblance of skill, I don't want the prizes? Am I that detached from my childhood? Nah, they were just lousy prizes. Also, X is still the best ride, ever, ever ever. That was my first time on Tatsu, however, and I can remember the first time I rode Viper, Goliath and X and each inaugural trip I rode those I was SOOO nervous. Even X, which was only a few years ago. I just played off my shaking as being very cold (which it was that year). But this was the first time that I wasn't nervous about riding a new coaster. So I'm glad that I'm brave now, but on the other hand, it takes away from the fun I think.

Getting paid more than $10 or so an hour is a nice new change. Although I think the cubicle life is not for me. Not all offices are like The Office. There was no Pam and I'm no Jim. Boo. I do enjoy wearing nice clothes for a change, but I've nearly run out of semi-formal outfits to wear so this job cannot continue without having to buy at least a few more dress shirts.

Flashback has indeed been very exciting. The first few weeks felt like a let down because I don't think I was participating enough. I think I was expecting something like the first few weeks of dorm life where everybody is friendly because its a new experience for everyone. But in this case, its just a new situation for me and a lot of people already know the routine, so to speak. But I think I've picked it up quickly. I can even dance a little bit now!

I've also learned about the awesomeness that are Star Wars Valentines cards so thats a plus too.

Zero 7 - Pageant of the Bizarre

It is time. Do something stupid, do something well thought out, just do something.

Mates of State - Like u Crazy

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. I went to bed like two hours before I have been regularly sleeping lately, in an attempt to fix my sleep schedule but I couldn't get to sleep. First I watched an episode of The Office on my iPod. This show is awesome, by the way. And I lied there for a while and my left leg started to twitch. It wasn't like my entire body was convulsing but I could feel the muscle in my left thigh twitching, like a heartbeat. I thought it was just the position I was lying in but I shifted and I even turned on the lights to look at it and indeed, my leg was vibrating on its own. It wasn't scary, but it was sort of weird. So anyways, it got me thinking about somebody who told me that they have this thing with their heart, like it skips a beat and they've got some other weird body things and I realized that I would never tell anybody about this leg thing. Not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it because its no big deal, but I just don't feel comfortable talking about something like that. I think its because it only relates to me and I never want people to only have to listen to me talk about nothing that has anything else to do with them. I feel like if somebody is going to talk to me, I should talk about something that they might be interested in talking about otherwise, sports or something going on in their life, something like that.

A lot of people have told me this and I've tried to change but I suppose I haven't really changed as much as I thought I have, although I've tried to be more conscious of it, I have a tendency to want to always be right. I don't know what that is all about. Like I don't know how to talk to people and instead I have to defend myself somehow by contradicting whatever they say. What is that? I don't know. I think somewhere along the way I failed to develop the people skills that everybody else (well almost) learned in their growing up years. Other people are able to talk about themselves and share their experiences, no matter what, thats how I know about somebody's heart palpitations but I don't know how to talk about it without feeling like I'm wasting people's time. I also don't know how to react to people for some reason. Like when people tell me things I want to empathize and say nice things but I always feel like I sound fake because I'm not genuinely excited. I mean I am excited or sad or whatever for them, but I feel as though the way I express it is false and insincere, even though I definitely don't mean it to be. Where does one get these people skills I wonder?

Sean Paul f/ Rihanna - Break it Off

I've had a lot of talk lately about deep important things and I can't figure it all out. I was watching Night at the Museum and in the movie, during the night, all of the exhibits in the Natural History Museum come to life. They all do the things they did in real life. Like cavemen drew cave drawings and tried to create fire. Sacagawea is searching, but helping Lewis and Clark. Romans are trying to expand the empire and the western exhibit, led by Owen Wilson, are trying to build a railroad. Manifest Destiny and all. So the two different exhibits are fighting each other for expansion territory. Anyways, Ben Stiller solves all of the problems by unifying everybody. The Romans no longer fight the western guys because they have to help Ben Stiller save the movie and by doing this as a group they realize they don't need to fight each other any more and that both the Romans and the western guys are similar and then they become friends.

Getting along with your neighbors is all fine and dandy, its just that when Ben Stiller starts solving all of the museum's problems, like the Romans and whatever no longer had a purpose for existing. At one point in the movie, Ben Stiller asks why the two keep fighting and they say thats what they do, basically. So when Ben Stiller solves their problem, it makes me wonder, what do they do now? I mean yes, at the end of the movie they drive a miniature sports car together and its cute and fun because they're miniature too, but really, what do they do now?

I'm feeling that way. I don't feel like I have a purpose in life and because of that I am constantly thinking about things like this. Like if the United States were at war (a real war), like during World War II, God forbid, I think I would feel like I have a purpose. When I watch movies about World War II or read books about it, the people of that era talk about how their days revolved around the war effort, even here at home in the States. I just don't feel as though there is a purpose in my life. I don't mean in the existential sense, like what is the meaning of life, but rather, I don't even have a focus in my life for the week or the month. Telling myself that I am going to learn how to skateboard, yeah, its something that I want to do, but not in the way that I really want. I think having such an easy life, where almost everything is provided for me makes me a lousy person. If my family were poorer or something I think I would be forced to make decisions. I suck at expressing my feelings.

Band of Horses - The End's Not Near

2007 will be a good year. For one thing, somebody reminded me that its the year of the pig, which is my year! So thats a plus right there. 2006 was a pretty lousy year for me.

I don't know what resolutions I have. I think I made some a few years ago but I don't remember what they were and I don't remember if I followed through on them either. I think this year I have one. I would like to learn how to skateboard. Anyways, point is, this year will be better. I thought I'd have more to say, but I don't.

Incubus - Anna Molly