Note: This was written but never posted. It has since been released to the public on March 20, 2007. I like this post very much. Even if it makes me sound CRAZY (which I am).

Disregarding the fact that I may have pussyfooted around too long and already blown multiple chances, I think what it boils down to is how do I really feel about her. Do I like her? Did I? I want to, and I think I did. But it has been brought to my attention that I could either simply want physical acceptance. And the idea that I only liked her because she liked me to begin with has also crossed my mind. But I worry maybe we do indeed get along well except I have fooled myself and I don't want to like her because my fear of intimacy and lack of confidence have tricked me into not having to deal with the situation head-on. And by simply pretending I don't like her I can not have to take any sort of action at all, thus avoiding both physical and emotional intimacy.

I want to ask her out more than anything, but if its for the right reasons, I cannot say for certain. Or rather, I can, but there are so many different reasons. I want to ask her out because I like her. I want to ask her out so I can start putting together some semblance of a romantic life which up till this point I've never had. I want to ask her out because she loves John Stockton and This American Life. I want to ask her out because shes fun and incredibly cute. But I don't want to ask her out because I don't want to feel like I'm using her. I think I want to ask her out because I've never done something so daring like putting myself out there (which in and of itself is sad for a 23 year old male) and she seems like as good a person to ask out. But if I don't like her for certain, then it feels like I'm using her. Maybe the fact that I'm questioning whether or not I like her is proof that I don't feel that connection that is so desired amongst hopeless romantics. I feel like we have many things in common and I surely feel a physical attraction when we're together, on my end at least, but in my mind, have I created a block of the emotional attraction because I over-think things? Or is it because there really is a lack of a meshing of the minds?

The way things were left on Saturday afternoon, it felt quite final. And that saddens me a bit, and I know that I merely created it in my mind because I am just crazy like that. I always want to find some grand gesture or some sign that will define the way for me like some deus ex machina for my relationships, but I know real life doesn't happen like that. When I think of her right now, I think that I would love to spend some time with her. She could show me awesome music, I would enjoy talking to her about Bob Costas and my geekiness. But then I think that if I truly begin to talk about how dysfunctional my life and my family is, I won't be good enough for her and she won't understand. Is that the risk everyone has to take? Yes, it is.

And then I think to myself, what normal person would think all of the above, much less write it down. I wouldn't date a creep like me. Today someone told me to be assertive and aggressive and do what I will with her. It was nearly those exact words and I was offended by the frankness of the discussion. And maybe that scared me into submission now. I don't think I was ready for something like that. Maybe I'm just not cut out for dating or relationships or anything of the sort. Its like I'm still accelerating on the on-ramp and everybody I like has long since moved into the carpool lane. Most drivers are nice and will let that person merge but if they take too long, they just get passed up and honked at. I think I'm getting a fist shake and angry muttering already too.

Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead See? I stole this amazing song from her already.