Do you ever feel as though everything you know about anything you learned from watching television and movies? I bet its just me. Every time I have any sort of important emotional development in my life, I have to somehow relate it to a movie or tv show I've seen. Its like I need someone else to create my reactions to life events. I didn't learn them from my parents, instead I learn them from Ross and Rachel.

I think I've come to realize that I always write when I'm unhappy. Not that I'm particularly unhappy now, but I always return to writing this because its like a calling out. Like when people commit suicide. Not that I'm considering that, but isn't that how they teach it? That people who cut themselves, some of them are into the pain, granted, but others are doing it for the attention right? Like they cut themselves so others will notice that they are depressed or in pain or whatever? Is my writing just a way for people to read my thoughts and hopefully relate and feel sorry for me? I don't get it.

I feel like I'm falling into the same cycles. Obviously I am, life is cyclical. Some basketball analyst was talking about the Lakers playing the Rockets and how lunacy is trying the same things over and over and expecting different results, because the Lakers would play lackadaisical defense and not double on Yao Ming, etc. and they were hoping to beat the Rockets after Portland had employed similar strategies. I feel like I'm in the same place. Is it something I've developed now? I know that I'm no good at forming or maintaining relationships of any sort other than short superficial ones. So has it come to a tipping point now where I'm going to lose more people I've bonded with? Or is that just the normal ebb and flow of friendships as life progresses? I would hope its the second one, but with my friendship track record, who am I to say?

Today I had an interview for the Jungle Cruise skippers to Tokyo challenge. Essentially its a contest (via interview process concluding with an 'audition' to send the 'best' skippers from around the world to Tokyo for a week). Anyways, I realized that I'm terrible at interviews. I always thought that I was a likable person in a short encounter. Like whenever I meet someone for the first time, they generally like me. I'm polite, friendly, I don't speak too crazy and I'm very self-conscious. But that's my problem I realize. I'm too self-conscious. This makes me into someone who is un-threatening and altogether unmemorable. Its not that everybody likes me, its that they have no feeling about me one way or the other. You can take that in a positive light, which is how I had been thinking about it. If they aren't thinking anything bad about me, then it means they must like me. But what it really means is that I generally haven't made any impression at all. This is why I probably bombed my interview today. I was thinking too much (something I'm quite adept at) and I couldn't articulate my words in a quick 3 question, 5 minute interview and as a result I am more likely than not out of the running for a paid trip to Tokyo. Maybe I should've gotten drunk first, then I could've talked up a storm. If only I could have every conversation buzzed.

I wonder if I'm going to end up alone. Why do I even care? Is it something inherent in me? Or is it something that has been ingrained in me from all the movies, tv shows, books and everything I've ever been exposed to since I was small? Why is it that I care so much? Do I want to be with someone? Have I created this situation because I know that it will replicate the relationship my parents have? I hate being so self-conscious and insecure.

Look, I'm a little bit buzzed (the booze was free...) right now and maybe these thoughts aren't completely coherent, but I think I should write them down before I regain my inhibitions. I'm sorry that I'm acting the way I am. I don't know why I do it. I mean I do, because it feels like you've hurt me, but I don't like the way I've acted, its childish, but what can I say? I'm selfish and jealous. I would never act say these things sober (probably) because I am probably too reserved and shy, but honestly, it makes me jealous. I am an only child after all. I know its unfair but I feel like its unfair to me that you'd want to kiss other people and when I try anything at all you tell me "that'll make it harder" (no pun intended... well not initially, but it was pretty funny when I realized what I had said the other night about harder...). I can't stand that you say want to see me as much as possible but nothing else. Anyways, I'm sorry that I'm acting the way that I am and I hope you know that its because I care too much, not because I don't care, even though thats what I say aloud, sober.

What is it about people that makes them dislike change? I know I've pondered this before and I think it all boils down to the mortality and finality of it all. I mean all these questions people have about themselves, others, their lives, all it boils down to is "What does it all mean?"

People don't like change because it reminds them, either directly or subconsciously that in the end, nobody knows why things happen and that no matter what you do, it will all end. Life is all directed towards reaching immortality. By buying things I can somehow prolong my short existence and prove that I was here. The scuffs and wear on my shoes isn't just some fashion statement, its a reminder of the places I've walked, things I've seen, some sort of physical proof that I have done things with my time. By exercising and eating right, I can preserve the youth that I have and maybe extend it just a bit longer. When you're young, possibilities are still open, there is still life to be lived, but slowly, day by day, moment by moment, its a countdown towards coming to grips with the reality of the situation. I suppose it seems a bit depressing and maybe comforting in a sense, but the reality is that the world will continue no matter what you do, with or without you and in the end, because nothing lasts forever, you just have to let go. (I'm pretty sure I lifted that last part from Benjamin Button.)

So what does it boil down to? Religion seeks to answer that, but it feels like its just a way to avoid the grim reality of things. I hate that I'm not religious. I hate hate hate it. It would be so much easier to have some sort of blind faith in some man made answer that billions of people before me have put their trust into. Its comforting. If I knew that I had that answer, it frees me to live my life to the fullest and achieve things that I want knowing that is how its meant to be. But I cannot.

So where does that leave me? If it is hopeless and the banal, inescapable truth is that it will come to an uneventful ending, how do you cope with that? Doesn't accepting that mean you're now free to live life to the fullest and achieve things that you want knowing that is how you are meant to do it? Was that too cheesy a conclusion? Probably. But what other way is there?

I think I've realized this before and maybe I'm just reinforcing the lesson, but if its all going to come to an end, then all we have is in that moment, right? I know this isn't anything new but I suppose thats part of what its all about, realizing that experiencing as much as possible in what finite time we are allotted is where its at. This isn't one of the carpe diem things. Well, perhaps it is, in a manner of speaking, but what it really is, for me, is understanding that while nothing lasts forever, in each moment, it can. And in hopefully knowing that, maybe I can learn to experience and enjoy each moment without looking forward (or backwards) too much. Talk about cheesy.

I don't have any clue what I'm doing.

I've gotten myself into some conundrums recently. I feel like I'm on the verge of something, like I feel myself changing. Tonight I auditioned for a part in the flashback production this year and I enjoyed it. I realize that I'm 25 now, but its like I've only recently begun to live my life. In the past year and a half I've had more fun and experienced more about myself than I feel like I have ever before. And I don't know if its just tonight, but I sense that I'm going to be a very different person in a relatively short amount of time. It isn't inevitable or anything, but I just feel like I'm on the fence and I just need a push, either from an outside source or from myself even.

The biggest change I can point to, I guess, is that I've become more open and talkative. I've always had a problem sharing myself I think and this blog was an outlet, which is why I haven't written a whole lot, I haven't needed to. I thought I wasn't writing because I wasn't having any life experiences, but I sort of realized that its possible that I wasn't writing because I didn't need to. I was enjoying these life experiences with other people. I'm not even sure that makes sense as I write it.

But what I'm afraid of is that if I change too much, what I've learned about myself will no longer apply. Not long ago, it was brought to my attention that I have some small skill that encourages people to trust me and open up. I like that people trust me, but with these changes in me that I foresee in my future, I feel that I'll change and I'll know less about myself once again. Like its taken me this long to learn how little I know about myself and who I am, and man, has it been a long time, and just as soon as I think I've gotten a grip on things, here we go again.

Why is it that I fear change? Do I like where I am and I want to stay? Or is it because I'm not sure whats to come? Just when things are getting comfortable, y'know? Sigh. Here we go again.