Today I had an interview for the Jungle Cruise skippers to Tokyo challenge. Essentially its a contest (via interview process concluding with an 'audition' to send the 'best' skippers from around the world to Tokyo for a week). Anyways, I realized that I'm terrible at interviews. I always thought that I was a likable person in a short encounter. Like whenever I meet someone for the first time, they generally like me. I'm polite, friendly, I don't speak too crazy and I'm very self-conscious. But that's my problem I realize. I'm too self-conscious. This makes me into someone who is un-threatening and altogether unmemorable. Its not that everybody likes me, its that they have no feeling about me one way or the other. You can take that in a positive light, which is how I had been thinking about it. If they aren't thinking anything bad about me, then it means they must like me. But what it really means is that I generally haven't made any impression at all. This is why I probably bombed my interview today. I was thinking too much (something I'm quite adept at) and I couldn't articulate my words in a quick 3 question, 5 minute interview and as a result I am more likely than not out of the running for a paid trip to Tokyo. Maybe I should've gotten drunk first, then I could've talked up a storm. If only I could have every conversation buzzed.

I wonder if I'm going to end up alone. Why do I even care? Is it something inherent in me? Or is it something that has been ingrained in me from all the movies, tv shows, books and everything I've ever been exposed to since I was small? Why is it that I care so much? Do I want to be with someone? Have I created this situation because I know that it will replicate the relationship my parents have? I hate being so self-conscious and insecure.