Haha wow, that last post was really not good. I tried to make like this back and forth comparison between the way my life was going and how the Dodger game for that night was going. Like I would be doing pretty good, and the Dodgers would take the lead. Then in my life I'd screw up, just like the Dodgers would blow the lead. Anyways, it was a really poorly described analogy. Probably would've looked good as a movie montage sequence though.

So I went to the Dodgers game the other night and they lost, again, of course. This blows. The Dodgers suck balls. But the company was good at least.

So my mom left the country for a while a few months back. She went to teach English to little children in Taiwan and thats good for her because she just retired and thats what she wanted to do with her time. And since she's been back I haven't really spent time with her. You know how it is when you live with somebody but you don't spend time with them? Its like we occupy the same space, but we only meet in the kitchen and living room. I guess thats how its always been for my family. My mom then wrote me an email but it must've been a day or two ago to an email address that I don't check daily.

Anyways, she writes me to apologize for the way she raised me. Like she says she thinks her and my father did the right things in taking me to school and providing me with food and stuff but they didn't talk to me enough to aid in my "emotional development" or whatever. I always knew this was true, but I just figured it was an Asian thing, like Asian families just don't communicate. But she then tells me that our whole family has communication problems, between her and my father, between me and both my parents. So I knew this too, but I only recently understood how it has affected me. For the longest time, I did not realize that the lack of communication between my parents and myself was something that would affect me in life until the last few years. Like I just always assumed not communicating with my parents was just something everybody went through, but now I realize that because of a lack of true open communication (or any sort of communication) with my parents has made me sort of detached from other people. I don't know how to express my feelings to others and truly trust other people. Maybe thats why I've done so poorly in terms of establishing and maintaining friendships. And maybe thats why I've written so many godforsaken letters lately, and in my life. Its a way for me to communicate, but without actually having to do it. And maybe thats why I keep this blog too. To share my feelings without having to deal with other peoples' reactions. I don't know what to think anymore. But somebody once told me to stop blaming my parents and I need to take charge and I certainly am trying to do that. So if I get weird in the near future, or whenever, just bear with me, I'm just trying to share more of myself. I think I need to start to spend more time with my mom too.

Incubus - I Wish You Were Here

Dodgers just came back from a 3 run defecit in the 8th inning against the Pads and are in the 10th inning now and I thought this would be a good time to post while I'm listening to this game.

So the last few days have been pretty weird. Saturday was the hottest day ever at work. I mean it was amazingly hot. I can't remember a hotter day. We took our ties off and slacked off all day. It was horrible and humid. Then at night, on my way home, there was lightning and thunder and it was awesome! Then Sunday got even weirder. I woke up and it was overcast at my house but by the time I got to work, it was pouring rain. I got out of my car and it was raining sideways. Lightning struck California Adventure, or struck right above it I'm pretty sure. Insane. But thats not my favorite part of the day!

The rest of the day went pretty smoothly, but then in the afternoon, who strolls up to my game but Topher Grace! Yeah, I usually don't get excited over celebrities, I've seen or helped many of them and they're just normal people and I didn't get too excited about Topher either. He was pretty nice, although horrible at basketball. But he had money to spend and he won prizes. But then coming down the walkway was MANDY MOORE! I got almost giddy. She didn't even come near my game, Topher walked towards her, but I got super excited. And I was like jumping up and down. It was pretty darned exciting and she was pretty darned beautiful, even though she had sunglasses on. So the whole point of this was I used to think I was jaded with celebrities but I guess I'm just not super excited about meeting Mike Bibby. I'm more excited to meet Mandy Moore. Maybe next time she'll come by and say hi.

But if my life is really going the way this Dodger game is going now, I won't get to meet Mandy. Dodgers lead, then they fall behind, then make a spectacular comeback! Then late in the game they lose it, barely. Thats how I feel things have gone for me the last few days too. Just up and down. Like I think I'm doing great! Then I go and screw it up like I always do. But then, late in the game, y'know, 8th inning, I make a comeback! Maybe I've got a chance! But of course, I have to go and be a moron and mess up royally. Like losing by 1 run in the 11th inning. Stupid Dodgers. Stupid me. Argh! Its like I'm a sucker for repeating history. Things weren't queer enough yet. I had to go and make things more awful than they already were. Yay for me.

How long does it take before people get to that point where you can look back and laugh at things? I guess I'll never know because knowing the way things have gone for me, I'll continue making things weird so not enough time will EVER pass. BLARGH!

Today I had this moment of extreme passion today after work. Like I was so ready to just explode and like rattle some cages and say what I wanted to, to everyone, because I was so mad about how things have been going for me. But I walked away, telling myself it would be another poor decision and nothing good would result. The Dodgers get to play another game tomorrow and the season is still long. I've still got another chance too, I hope.

Cardigans - Lovefool

Stupid Dodgers. Losing 5 in a row. This is sucky. Its okay though. Another team has learned about the crappiness that is Jeff Weaver. In his debut as a St. Louis Cardnial, he lost to Atlanta 15-3. I can't believe that the Angels got anything for him.

I was at Target really early one morning a few days ago and I was reading some "inspirational" books. One of them was by Tim McGraw, the singer, or he inspired it with his song "Live Like You Were Dying" or something like that. Anyways, it just had quotes and sayings about carpe diem and whatever. But there was one section in there about how people save letters because it is a reminder of a time when somebody loved them enough to write them something. And I think I like that explanation of letters. I received a postcard today from my friend, who is one of the bravest people I know, and its just nice to know that people think of you even when they're off discovering the world. I do love receiving mail. I wonder if people have saved the postcards I've sent to them and the letters I passed back in grade school. I used to save old emails but it wasn't quite the same as the postcard or letter because when you go back to read those, its like a placeholder in time of a moment shared. Its hard for me to explain and I tried to duplicate it by just sending postcards out even though I saw the people before any snail mail would ever arrive but I got very little positive response from that experiment. I think I'll have to try it again sometime, when something important happens to me. I suppose what I'd really like is to be able to read letters that I've sent out to others to recall a time in my own life. I forget things so quickly now and I wish I could hold onto every moment, even the low ones.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Yesterday when I started my shift I was feeling excellent. There are times when I just feel like nothing in the world bothers me. I once wrote that I decided to not let things bother me anymore, and sometimes I totally feel that way. But then there are times, in the same day, sometimes the same hour, where I feel like crap and I second guess myself and I think negative thoughts. I think what I like most is getting lost in the moment, like at the movies. Bleh.

I feel like I wrote this blog post just to have something new because that last post, although it was very important to me, makes me depressed to have it on top. So I'm sorry that this post makes no sense, and here's some information that is more important to my life:

After a very bad experience with office work, I think I've decided that teaching is what I want to do, even though I've been avoiding it since high school, I really think I'd enjoy it. But maybe I should think about it for more than two days, huh?

Hans Zimmer - Jack Sparrow

I don't even know how to begin. I don't even know how I feel or how I should feel about it, about all of it. Its a funny thing. I guess I got what I wanted although in a very roundabout way. But how I feel about it is so very different from what I expected. Maybe it was the way it happened.

I was watching Las Vegas, the television show, (horrible, I know) last night and Vanessa Marcil's character's brother broke up with some other girl on the show and then while getting very drunk he said "I never get anything right. Name one thing I didn't screw up." And Vanessa Marcil tells him about some time that he did do something right and it was touching because she seemed to help him out. Although I don't think I've never done anything right, it feels like I've blown every chance I've ever had to do anything.

I wrote an entry a while ago about this guy I knew once upon a time freshman year in the dorms but I never posted it, for whatever reason. The general gist of it is that we were on the verge of being very good friends, like we both enjoyed the same things, basketball, movies, and not just enjoyed them but had the same taste, for the most part. So we became pretty good friends. Towards the end of the school year, I was at home and my friend and other dorm people were still at school and they were getting drunk and my friend, during the course of chatting on AIM asked me about what we were going to do over the summer and where our friendship stood since everybody would be moving out of the dorms, etc. I just brushed him off and cited some stupid reason like I didn't want to talk about it and although nothing came of me not answering the question, I very much feel that it changed our relationship because I was unwilling to just step up and admit we had become good friends and instead we are now merely acquaintances. So long story short, I really feel like I lost out on a very valuable friendship simply because I was unwilling to put myself out there.

Over the last few weeks and maybe two months, a time period that I seem to be writing a lot about lately, I did everything all wrong again. Except this time it wasn't a single moment of weakness but a whole month's worth of it. Instead of learning from past experience and doing what I should've done from the beginning when things wouldn't have ended up the way they did, I prolonged one moment of rejection into 2 months of it, which partially fed into my last month's temporary depression, if one can even call it that.

I've been trying to tell myself that if things turned out the way they did tonight, it would be exactly what I needed to have things back to normal and that is what I wanted from the start, but I would be lying to everyone and especially myself if I said it didn't hurt. But it wasn't any sort of deep saddness, just that feeling that wells up inside your chest cavity. Like all of a sudden gravity has a hold upon something inbetween my ribs. Its like that nervous butterfly in your stomach feeling, except in your chest, and a sort of spinning sensation, but only where your heart is, instead of where your food goes to digest, and slower. But no tears or anything came to my eyes the way they do in sad movies, especially scenes where somebody dying tells the other character that they did it all for them. Instead, the feeling just lingered inside of me. All of this will come to pass I'm sure. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow morning and I'll feel nothing about it because I told myself that it didn't matter to me one way or another, but somehow I doubt it.

Perhaps what I should have learned is that all that I have is in this moment. Don't put off what I can do because I think things will always stay the same, because nothing ever stays the same. I know it seems like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not. I think I feel the worst for the people that had to spend significant time with me the last few weeks. Instead of just holding it all in or letting it all spill out, I let my emotions slowly seep out of me at quite possibly the most inopportune times when nobody wanted to hear about it. I just hate how things had to turn out, not just from what happened tonight, but the way that I was able to ruin things that were rolling along just fine.

The worst thing a person can lose is hope. And I think thats where my sucking feeling inside my chest comes from. It wasn't the message I received on my phone tonight, but rather the loss of my hope. Hope for something I was delusional about anyways. Hope for something that I probably created in my mind because I am so good at overthinking everything. And although I've lost part of my hope, there's always more, hope springs eternal and all of that jazz. So I guess what I hope for now isn't for a summer of holding hands and taking pictures in old timey photo booths (the ones in black and white where you have to wait outside the booth for 5 minutes for them to develop) and watching fireworks from rooftops, but instead, now I hope for something more practical. I hope that I've learned something from all of this. And I hope that everybody who would take the time to read this rambling post of mine, for whatever reason, I hope its because you care about me. But even if you read it because you're nosy or bored, I'm just glad you read it at all, and I really do hope you have the most wonderful day.

AFI - The Missing Frame

P.S. I also really hope Italy kicks France's sorry butt. Forza Azzurri!

I think the way that I've been feeling last month is just a way for me to try to hold onto the way things used to be. Disneyland and the people I've meet there have been a major part of my life for nearly the last three years and I know I'm pusing my limits from a college job to becoming a lifer. I think I know that I'll never be a lifer as easy as it is to simply stay and never leave. Last year if I were offered the chance to walk away I don't think I would've been able to, but after the last few months I think it will be easier for me to do so.

Things just aren't the way they used to be anymore. My friendships are still valuable to me but they aren't quite the same as they used to be. I'm not sure if its because I've changed or if my friends have changed, or both. But as much as I enjoy my time with them, for the most part, I feel disconnected. Somebody pointed it out to me that it takes an effort to be friends with people now when before it was so natural. And sure, you can say that people need to try in order to maintain relationships with other people, and I certainly want to keep the friendships so I try to make the effort to keep them but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Friendships that used to simply just "be" are no longer that simple. They used to just be something I didn't need to "do" because they used to be so natural, have all but disappeared. Its not like I've lost them, but as much as I hate to admit it, the dynamic has changed no matter how much I deny that they haven't because I wish that they hadn't.

I don't know what it is, but just a few months ago everything was so simple. I know nobody will admit to it, for whatever reason, but I can see it and feel it. Being friends has now become about doing stuff together when once upon a time it was just about being together. Now anytime I hang out, it seems to me, there has to be a plan and we have to be doing "stuff" otherwise it almost feels like why are we spending time together? And I definately do enjoy spending the time with people, but it feels almost forced, at least my participation does. It used to be about going to Denny's because we needed somewhere to sit while talking and just passing the time. Perhaps I'm remembering something that never was and now people just have better things to do with their time? I don't know. I can't expect things to never change, but maybe I just didn't expect things to change so quickly. I can't help but feel that I'm not as close to anybody as I was just two months ago, despite my best efforts to share myself more with people. And I'm okay with that, because its just a sign that perhaps its time to move on. But like with most things, I just wish I could have things back the way they were, even if they only existed that way in my mind, if just for one more night or two.

The Cure - Friday I'm In Love