I remember one time I said something about I shouldn't let things bother me any more. And I really wish I could learn to apply that. I told my mom once that people need to learn to let the little things go and I really wish I could just do that. Today at work I was completely fine but every so often I would see a glance of something and it would remind me of something else and my thoughts would come creeping back even though I really want to be able to just let things be the way they are.

So the last few days I've been at home by myself. First of all I don't ever want to live alone. After spending 4 days in Paris alone and living by myself and coming home to an empty home, knowing nobody will be home, I don't like it. I realize that I don't really talk to my parents at night when I get home and usually they leave in the morning before I even get home, but I like not feeling alone. Plus, when I'm at home at night, I have to have tons of lights on in my house. I'll turn on the hallway lights, the living room, the kitchen, pretty much every light in the house where people normally would be if my family was home. I also like to have music blaring or the television on in the living room, even if I'm not watching. I tell myself in my head that its better to have that stuff on because in case there are burgalars or something they'll think people are home and be less inclined to try to pillage my home or rape me, or worse, but to be honest, its so I feel less alone that way. I don't like the silence, or the darkness.

Plus, I've got this weird thing where I think people or things are sneaking around my house if its just me home alone. As I kid, I used to think that there would be creatures that only appeared in the dark or nighttime and I would be afraid to cross the hallway from one room to the next because it would be dark at the other end of the hall so I'd have to run and close my eyes until I made it into the next room. I don't run any more but in my mind I still have to mentally brace myself if I'm going to enter a dark part of my house, when I'm home alone. Plus, there could be clowns and I hate clowns at night time. Clowns on tv, clowns in the circus, all cool. Clowns looking into the windows of my house? Holy shit, not cool, not cool at all.

Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today

I watched Lost in Translation and Garden State today and I can't decide which character I'm more in love with, Natalie Portman's or Scarlett Johansson's. I guess what I'm really saying is would I rather be cool like Zach Braff or cool like Bill Murray. But I'm not nearly as cool as either of them and I don't think I could get a cool girl like those two either.

My mom has been away for nearly 2 months now and today she called me and she was asking me questions about what I've been doing and things like that and I didn't have anything to tell her. Then she asked me if I was alright because it felt like there was a wall built up between the two of us but I don't know why she would say that because it seems to me that there has always been something between me and my parents. And I think that all goes back to my inability to connect with people. If I can't connect with my parents how can I connect with other people who haven't been nearly as prominent in my life?

Arctic Monkeys - When the Sun Goes Down

I don't have any clue what I want. I mean I know what I think I want, but are those things what I really want? Or are they simply quick fixes for flaws that are inherent in my personality? For example, I, like many, am so desperate for a relationship, but its not even like I just want to be in a relationship, I want to be able to just share everything with somebody, and for them to want to share with me. But I know that is unreasonable and things don't happen that way. But do I want to be in a relationship because I truly desire to share my life with another person? Or is it because I think that this other person will cure my life. I like to tell myself that if I had another person who was willing to be with me that I know they wouldn't be a cure all, but rather somebody who could somehow alleviate my own fears and help me face the things that come in life. And isn't that what having a relationship is about? But then I don't seem to able to find that person and I have unrealistic expectations about things before I've even begun to have such a relationship. But thats just one example of answers in my life that escape me.

I forget where I heard this quote, but it goes something like "I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want this." And thats how I feel about myself, my life and almost everything else. I feel so lost and sometimes alone. I know my parents are there for me, in a sense, and my friends all seem to be willing to lend a hand, and yet, I can't help but feel that I'm lacking something.

I've grown up being guided, more or less, my entire life and now that I've grown I don't have any clue where to go. My options are wide open and I can't pick. And when I think I've chosen something that door slams shut, at least recently anyways. Tomorrow's another day.

Deathcab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark I could listen to this song over and over, forever.

I think its time that I started writing for myself again. This MySpace phenomenon is ruining my life, both literally and in my mind as well. First, on Tuesday, which is street sweeping day on my side of the street, every week for the last 22 years of my life, I got a ticket. I knew that the street sweepers were coming yet I left my car parked out front while I was commenting on peoples' MySpace when I could've just left my house on time and avoided a $39 parking ticket. But thats not what really upsets me.

MySpace has taken my life over. When I come home I have to check my email, which will tell me whether or not somebody has left me a comment. I feel slightly sad when I haven't received one for an entire day, but whats worse is when you've left somebody a comment, and you don't receive a reply and you know they've been online because you're creepy like that and you checked their MySpace and they responded to some other comment on their page because you checked your friend's friend's page. How paranoid and insecure is that? I've never had such a swing in emotions as the one that MySpace has sent me on. Its like I need constant reaffirmation of my friendship with everybody that I know. I go to other peoples' pages in good faith to leave them a friendly comment or ask them a question and when they don't respond you ask yourself, were they too busy to respond? Or do they not care enough even though I took time out my day to leave them a comment in the hopes of brightening up their day? Or am I just overthinking things and my life wasn't nearly this complicated before MySpace? And then about a week ago I was deseperate for comments. I was actively complaining, on the phone, to a friend that nobody had commented on my page. I had left a comment for a good friend of mine that I thought for sure they'd comment me back and they didn't. I thought my life was over. But the worst part of this is that I know the person who didn't comment me back is my friend no matter what and I was ON THE PHONE with another friend so its not like it was my only friend in the world. I hate MySpace and yet I can't live without it.

I'd like to welcome myself back to the world of blogging and journal writing. Hurray for me.

Angels and Airwaves - Start the Machine