How easy would things be if I could have all my conversations over the internet? I'd have time to think over my responses. I wouldn't have to deal with people's facial reactions or their reactions to my own. But I guess that's a complaint that our generation faces, the fact that we are growing further away from interpersonal communication skills as technology develops.

A few months ago, maybe even a year ago now, I was at the mall at the John Varvatos store. Anyways, I was by myself and...

So the part above this was a section of a story I was trying to put down but I started writing it 2 weeks ago and I couldn't bring myself to blogging it. I don't know why. Not that its a particularly difficult story or embarrassing, I just wasn't in a blogging mood. I only get in a blogging mood when I feel like I'm on the verge of some emotional breakthrough, good or bad. Anyways, the general gist of the story is that some store worker said "You don't really want to buy anything today" or something like that implying that I couldn't afford to buy anything and I said "Yeah I do" when in reality I was really just browsing. And I felt offended that he thought I couldn't afford stuff but I didn't say anything. And the moral of the story is I don't think I stand up enough for myself and speak my mind enough. Like if I feel I've been slighted in some way I won't come out and say anything about it. Maybe I'm just not a confrontational guy. But its odd because I'm plenty willing to tell someone something I KNOW is right, like a fact. Like if a child isn't tall enough I don't shy away from confronting the parents, but when it involves my own stuff, I can't do it.

The other point of the story is that I care way too much about what other people think of me. Or at least I used to. Like other's people's opinions of me mattered to me way too much. What does it matter if I can't afford a piece of clothing? I mean its the truth right? Like why not just be honest and up front? And not just about that, but about everything? And I think that since that happened to me, and I've definitely been working towards this in my interpersonal relationships, I need to stop caring about being judged and just "be myself" as people would say. And tonight I sort of feel that I am content being honest about who I am. But it doesn't feel like one of those epiphany moments though. I've felt those moments where you feel invicible, not in the physical Superman, faster than a speeding bullet sense, but emotionally, like a feeling that no matter what happens, I know everything will be alright sense. But in realizing that I don't really care too much about what people think about me, its not a happy sentiment for me, at least not in this moment.

It most certainly feels like another extension of my emotional detachment. I think that I have lived my life in a constantly un-confident and semi-depressed state that I don't know how to deal with myself as a person who is okay with who they are. Like I WANT to have some mental hangup in my psyche. It makes me feel like more of a person to be emotionally damaged. How fucked up is that?