The other day I was talking to my manager about how I don't particularly like working at the Vault and that I haven't really felt like a part of the Disneyland Resort working outside of it. We spent nearly an hour discussing how working in a clothing store isn't the same as working in a store inside of the park and that now that I've graduated from college I should be doing something more productive with my life. But after that discussion, I played with Jordyn and Cameron, these two kids who were shopping with their mom and they were very adorable and I came to a new conclusion. I shouldn't feel ashamed to be working at Disneyland, especially if I like what I do. Why does it matter what other people think? After working that office job which I didn't like very much at all, despite the nice paycheck, I think that I should do what I want to do. Working at Disneyland makes me happy. I love that I get to see kids, or at least I used to, and I love what Disney represents, even if they are a gigantic corporate conglomerate who, despite all their nice posturing, treat their lower grunts like crap. I love the fairy tale aspect of the company and I love the people I work with. I'm not worried about life anymore, at least not right now. But I'm also crazy, so who knows when that might change soon. Ha! Whatever, I like that I work at Disney. I love dancing and flailing my arms! To the Windows..... To the wall! Ha!

On a largely unrelated note: What the hell bitch? What. the. hell. ....?

Girl Talk - Once Again

Note: This was written but never posted. It has since been released to the public on March 20, 2007. I like this post very much. Even if it makes me sound CRAZY (which I am).

Disregarding the fact that I may have pussyfooted around too long and already blown multiple chances, I think what it boils down to is how do I really feel about her. Do I like her? Did I? I want to, and I think I did. But it has been brought to my attention that I could either simply want physical acceptance. And the idea that I only liked her because she liked me to begin with has also crossed my mind. But I worry maybe we do indeed get along well except I have fooled myself and I don't want to like her because my fear of intimacy and lack of confidence have tricked me into not having to deal with the situation head-on. And by simply pretending I don't like her I can not have to take any sort of action at all, thus avoiding both physical and emotional intimacy.

I want to ask her out more than anything, but if its for the right reasons, I cannot say for certain. Or rather, I can, but there are so many different reasons. I want to ask her out because I like her. I want to ask her out so I can start putting together some semblance of a romantic life which up till this point I've never had. I want to ask her out because she loves John Stockton and This American Life. I want to ask her out because shes fun and incredibly cute. But I don't want to ask her out because I don't want to feel like I'm using her. I think I want to ask her out because I've never done something so daring like putting myself out there (which in and of itself is sad for a 23 year old male) and she seems like as good a person to ask out. But if I don't like her for certain, then it feels like I'm using her. Maybe the fact that I'm questioning whether or not I like her is proof that I don't feel that connection that is so desired amongst hopeless romantics. I feel like we have many things in common and I surely feel a physical attraction when we're together, on my end at least, but in my mind, have I created a block of the emotional attraction because I over-think things? Or is it because there really is a lack of a meshing of the minds?

The way things were left on Saturday afternoon, it felt quite final. And that saddens me a bit, and I know that I merely created it in my mind because I am just crazy like that. I always want to find some grand gesture or some sign that will define the way for me like some deus ex machina for my relationships, but I know real life doesn't happen like that. When I think of her right now, I think that I would love to spend some time with her. She could show me awesome music, I would enjoy talking to her about Bob Costas and my geekiness. But then I think that if I truly begin to talk about how dysfunctional my life and my family is, I won't be good enough for her and she won't understand. Is that the risk everyone has to take? Yes, it is.

And then I think to myself, what normal person would think all of the above, much less write it down. I wouldn't date a creep like me. Today someone told me to be assertive and aggressive and do what I will with her. It was nearly those exact words and I was offended by the frankness of the discussion. And maybe that scared me into submission now. I don't think I was ready for something like that. Maybe I'm just not cut out for dating or relationships or anything of the sort. Its like I'm still accelerating on the on-ramp and everybody I like has long since moved into the carpool lane. Most drivers are nice and will let that person merge but if they take too long, they just get passed up and honked at. I think I'm getting a fist shake and angry muttering already too.

Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead See? I stole this amazing song from her already.

Where does one draw the line? I'm still young right? Should I even be worried about that? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Why do I have to judge my own coolness or happiness or anything about myself based on what other people think of me? Should I take a more permanent job doing something I have no interest in doing and don't particularly enjoy now simply because it pays more and appears to be more successful than the job I enjoy? If I want to wear a denim jacket that is slightly too tight, shouldn't I just wear it? I'm quite proud I only paid $15 for it or whatever I paid even if it is a bit small. But I also don't want to look like a moron. Who cares if it was (probably) once a girl's jacket?

At least the last few weeks have been fun. Six Flags was pretty exciting. I'm the master at carnival games, now when I don't even want the prizes any more, I win them with ease. What is that? As a kid I always wanted to play, but I could only spend like $5 and I hardly ever ever won but now that I have more money to spend and I can win with some semblance of skill, I don't want the prizes? Am I that detached from my childhood? Nah, they were just lousy prizes. Also, X is still the best ride, ever, ever ever. That was my first time on Tatsu, however, and I can remember the first time I rode Viper, Goliath and X and each inaugural trip I rode those I was SOOO nervous. Even X, which was only a few years ago. I just played off my shaking as being very cold (which it was that year). But this was the first time that I wasn't nervous about riding a new coaster. So I'm glad that I'm brave now, but on the other hand, it takes away from the fun I think.

Getting paid more than $10 or so an hour is a nice new change. Although I think the cubicle life is not for me. Not all offices are like The Office. There was no Pam and I'm no Jim. Boo. I do enjoy wearing nice clothes for a change, but I've nearly run out of semi-formal outfits to wear so this job cannot continue without having to buy at least a few more dress shirts.

Flashback has indeed been very exciting. The first few weeks felt like a let down because I don't think I was participating enough. I think I was expecting something like the first few weeks of dorm life where everybody is friendly because its a new experience for everyone. But in this case, its just a new situation for me and a lot of people already know the routine, so to speak. But I think I've picked it up quickly. I can even dance a little bit now!

I've also learned about the awesomeness that are Star Wars Valentines cards so thats a plus too.

Zero 7 - Pageant of the Bizarre

It is time. Do something stupid, do something well thought out, just do something.

Mates of State - Like u Crazy