Last night I couldn't get to sleep. I went to bed like two hours before I have been regularly sleeping lately, in an attempt to fix my sleep schedule but I couldn't get to sleep. First I watched an episode of The Office on my iPod. This show is awesome, by the way. And I lied there for a while and my left leg started to twitch. It wasn't like my entire body was convulsing but I could feel the muscle in my left thigh twitching, like a heartbeat. I thought it was just the position I was lying in but I shifted and I even turned on the lights to look at it and indeed, my leg was vibrating on its own. It wasn't scary, but it was sort of weird. So anyways, it got me thinking about somebody who told me that they have this thing with their heart, like it skips a beat and they've got some other weird body things and I realized that I would never tell anybody about this leg thing. Not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it because its no big deal, but I just don't feel comfortable talking about something like that. I think its because it only relates to me and I never want people to only have to listen to me talk about nothing that has anything else to do with them. I feel like if somebody is going to talk to me, I should talk about something that they might be interested in talking about otherwise, sports or something going on in their life, something like that.

A lot of people have told me this and I've tried to change but I suppose I haven't really changed as much as I thought I have, although I've tried to be more conscious of it, I have a tendency to want to always be right. I don't know what that is all about. Like I don't know how to talk to people and instead I have to defend myself somehow by contradicting whatever they say. What is that? I don't know. I think somewhere along the way I failed to develop the people skills that everybody else (well almost) learned in their growing up years. Other people are able to talk about themselves and share their experiences, no matter what, thats how I know about somebody's heart palpitations but I don't know how to talk about it without feeling like I'm wasting people's time. I also don't know how to react to people for some reason. Like when people tell me things I want to empathize and say nice things but I always feel like I sound fake because I'm not genuinely excited. I mean I am excited or sad or whatever for them, but I feel as though the way I express it is false and insincere, even though I definitely don't mean it to be. Where does one get these people skills I wonder?

Sean Paul f/ Rihanna - Break it Off

I've had a lot of talk lately about deep important things and I can't figure it all out. I was watching Night at the Museum and in the movie, during the night, all of the exhibits in the Natural History Museum come to life. They all do the things they did in real life. Like cavemen drew cave drawings and tried to create fire. Sacagawea is searching, but helping Lewis and Clark. Romans are trying to expand the empire and the western exhibit, led by Owen Wilson, are trying to build a railroad. Manifest Destiny and all. So the two different exhibits are fighting each other for expansion territory. Anyways, Ben Stiller solves all of the problems by unifying everybody. The Romans no longer fight the western guys because they have to help Ben Stiller save the movie and by doing this as a group they realize they don't need to fight each other any more and that both the Romans and the western guys are similar and then they become friends.

Getting along with your neighbors is all fine and dandy, its just that when Ben Stiller starts solving all of the museum's problems, like the Romans and whatever no longer had a purpose for existing. At one point in the movie, Ben Stiller asks why the two keep fighting and they say thats what they do, basically. So when Ben Stiller solves their problem, it makes me wonder, what do they do now? I mean yes, at the end of the movie they drive a miniature sports car together and its cute and fun because they're miniature too, but really, what do they do now?

I'm feeling that way. I don't feel like I have a purpose in life and because of that I am constantly thinking about things like this. Like if the United States were at war (a real war), like during World War II, God forbid, I think I would feel like I have a purpose. When I watch movies about World War II or read books about it, the people of that era talk about how their days revolved around the war effort, even here at home in the States. I just don't feel as though there is a purpose in my life. I don't mean in the existential sense, like what is the meaning of life, but rather, I don't even have a focus in my life for the week or the month. Telling myself that I am going to learn how to skateboard, yeah, its something that I want to do, but not in the way that I really want. I think having such an easy life, where almost everything is provided for me makes me a lousy person. If my family were poorer or something I think I would be forced to make decisions. I suck at expressing my feelings.

Band of Horses - The End's Not Near

2007 will be a good year. For one thing, somebody reminded me that its the year of the pig, which is my year! So thats a plus right there. 2006 was a pretty lousy year for me.

I don't know what resolutions I have. I think I made some a few years ago but I don't remember what they were and I don't remember if I followed through on them either. I think this year I have one. I would like to learn how to skateboard. Anyways, point is, this year will be better. I thought I'd have more to say, but I don't.

Incubus - Anna Molly