About a year ago I wrote something about an FAO Schwartz on Fifth Avenue in NYC that was changing and going out of business. I came to the conclusion that people, myself included, don't like it when things change because it only serves to remind them of their own temporary existence in the present. Anyways recently in the Los Angeles Times was an article that described the re-opening of the FAO Schwartz. I can't decide what this means exactly, perhaps while things will always be changing, somehow they'll still be the same? I don't know.

I haven't written in a while because I'm lazy. But sometime last week my mom asked me straight out if I thought she has been a good parent. I sort of mumbled some answer and played it off. Since then over the past week or so she's constantly been saying things like "I think that I've been too nice to you and I'm going to change my parenting ways" or saying "I'm sorry I didn't let you have a dog when you were younger" and regretful things of the kind. I think all of this started because she's been talking with one of her friends, whose son is what we could call a "problem child" and all of my mom's friends have gotten together to decide what they can do about it and what they could've done better. I've sort of ignored most of of what she's said or just played it off, mostly because I have no idea what to tell her.

I totally want to yell "Yes, thats right! You should've let me get a dog!" Or "Why were you so freakin' mean when I was a kid, I was doing fine in school and you didn't have to go and transfer me!" But I know that would be wrong. What are the criteria for being a good parent? Being an only child, it seems as though I am the only life acomplishment for my parents, and its a big burden, now that I've recognized what I (and other children) represent. I certainly can't say my parents have been by any stretch of the imagination, bad parents. I've always had food on my table to eat and I've never been without a place to sleep. I know my parents are good people, they've done what they believe is best for me and is that all I, or anyone can ask? I think yes, but then why do I hesitate to tell my mom that I think she's done her best and that should be good enough for anybody? Some deep-seated resentfulness for not letting me have a dog? Inability to communicate true emotions because of my traditional upbringing? Probably not that first one and maybe some of that second one.

The Dodgers are driving me INSANE! Skip this paragraph if you don't care about the Dodgers, you bastards. First they string me along, saying things like Beltre is our top priority and stuff. They sign Jeff Kent to presumably fill in at 2nd or possibly 1st base. Then there are unbelievably awesome rumors about the Dodgers getting Tim Hudson. After making the playoffs and winning a game for the first time in some 15 years, I'd think the team is pretty solid. And with this offseason, it could only get better right? I mean there are some solid free agents out there, Carlos Delgado, who is Shawn Green's best friend, Richie Sexson? Okay, well then in the same day, the impossible happens. Adrian Beltre, who I've suffered 4 up and down years of "potential" to see him explode in 2004, signs with the Seattle Mariners. WHAT THE HELL!? Fine, I can accept the fact that maybe Paul Depodesta doesn't think he's worthy of $13mil per year, but can we risk it? I want to and have tried to defend the Dodger management for their offseason moves (or lack thereof) but from what I'm hearing and reading, its getting depressing. I'll still be a Dodger fan, but unless they can show some sign of good faith that they aren't just skimping on money... I may have to fall in line to boycott Frank McCourt and his Boston-loving ass. How are you gonna raise ticket and parking prices, tell people Adrian Beltre is the top priority, then off and let him go, with a lowball offer. I think the worst part about it is there are rumors they plan to sign J.D. Drew, an oft-injured outfielder, for about the same money. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? All of this Dodgers stuff makes me depressed. They've ruined my Christmas. Speaking of which, Merry Christmas.

I can't wait to goto Italy. Tomorrow I'll find out if I have to quit my job because they won't give me a personal leave of absence. All this time I've been thinking how much I want to keep the job and after hearing that its unlikely that they granted me a leave of absence I was only slightly upset about it. I truly do wish I can continue working at Disneyland. Its been really fun. But I think I'm at a point where its okay for me to move on, if thats what I have to do.

Rachel Yamagata - Worn Me Down

Jeez, I can't believe W Bush won again. I mean sure, mathematically Kerry can still win the elction, but its like saying mathematically the Clippers can still win the NBA Finals any season, it just doesn't happen. I can't figure out what those midwest states are thinking. Maybe it just shows how biased I am living on the left coast.

My parents are going to mainland China on vacation tomorrow for 3 weeks. I'm not very sad about them leaving. I guess its a sign that I've become less attached to them, which is good. But its sad that I'm not even nostalgic about not being sad. Oh well.

Onto more awesome things! Jose Lima is pimpmaster general! He pitches a complete game shutout against the vaunted Cardinals who had scored 8 runs in the previous two games against the Dodgers? At one point he retired two full innings in a row, thats 6 outs, on 11 pitches! Can everyone say Lima Time? LIMA TIME! After watching him dominate (I had to skip work to do it, even though I had semi-legitimate reasons for calling out in the first place) I'm tempted to call out tomorrow. But I realized that after a long season and watching the Dodgers struggle through two playoff games like a cricket trying to jump with only one leg, seeing Lima Time once more, seeing Shawn Green slam 2 homers off Matt Morris (a guy who shut out the Dodgers earlier this year) and seeing Beltre do his patented charge along the baseline and throw off-balance to get the runner at first for a final time this year, I'm happy. Even if they lose tomorrow its been a solid year. I decided to just listen to what I can of the game on my way to work and hope Odalis can bring some of that double Barry strikeout game mojo to dominate against Albert, Jim and Scotty Rolen. But just in case, I bought tickets to the NLCS, the next round of the playoffs. Just in case, you know.


I was thinking about Italy. In the information packets they tell me to make sure to not look like a tourist. You know, don't wear baseball caps with American teams, don't wear too much clothing with english on it. But with all this election hoopla and voting registration I was thinking, wouldn't it be cool if I got of the plane with like a giant American flag shirt? Just a thought.

Franz Ferdinand - auf acshe

The best Dodgers game EVER happened today! With the Dodgers needing one win this weekend against the hated San Francisco Giants to clinch the National League West title, we trotted Elmer Dessens out to the mound. Who is that you ask? Exactly. This literal no-name was sent out to pitch a game that could decide the entire season for the Dodgers. Otherwise we'd have to rely on Odalis Perez in Sunday's season finale, who'd pitched just three days earlier. Well Elmer did well but by the 9th inning, the Dodgers had managed a measley ZERO runs and like 4 hits and trailed 3-0 going into the ninth inning. Then the improbable happened. Shawn Green hit a pop-fly that the best hitter in the planet Barry Bonds tried to slide and catch, but couldn't. (Gee, you'd think the MVP would be able to play defense, like Adrian Awesome Beltre) So Green has a single. Then Robin Ventura walked. Alex Cora struck out, unfortunately. But Jose Hernandez walks to load the bases. Then Hee-Seop Choi comes to bat. Not to be racist or anything, but I've seen Korean baseball players in clutch situations, and man do they suck at it. (re: Byung-Hyung Kim vs. Yankees, 2001 World Series) But he walks! Then what looks like a double play ball from Cesar Izturis is kicked by Cody Ransom, the "defensive replacement" shortstop! Jayson Werth comes up and singles, so its now 3-2 Giants. Steve Finley to the plate. 0-1 pitch and he takes it for a big tall ride to right center field. a Grand Slam!

Holy crap, I was listening to this game on my way to work and when I got to the parking lot I was yelling and screaming in my car. I jumped out of my car and was jumping up and down alone in the parking lot. Luckily a fellow Dodger fan from Attractions drove up was there to share in the SUPER AWESOMENESS that is the Dodgers beating the sorry Giants. Shes even crazier than me! Words cannot describe how great it was to hear the Grand Slam called! I cannot wait for the playoffs! Now I know that I was right not to goto Italy for Fall Quarter. I would've missed the best sports ever.

Anyways, just a quick update on other stuff since people complain about my Dodgers posts. My hearing has returned. I can hear crickets again. But I'm pretty sure I lost some hearing. You'd think I'd have learned a lesson, but on Thursday Jimmy Eat World came to UCR and played for only $10. How could I NOT go? Exactly, so I went to and got as close as I could. But luckily Jimmy wasn't as loud as Green Day and I had no ringing in my ears when I left the concert. I guess I didn't really learn anything from my Green Day experience. But somehow I think I was trying to disprove my "If its too loud, you're too old" statement about myself. I'm not old yet! Not THAT old, right?

Keane - Your Eyes Open

School starts again in two days. Everybody seems to have some sort of goals for the school year from getting good grades to making new friends or whatever new design they have for improving their lives. Good for them I say. I totally believe that everybody can improve and setting goals is the right way to go. Me? Well I've got my heart set on going to Italy. I guess it isn't wise to get ahead of myself in preparation for a trip that is still 4 months away, but what can I say? I'm excited about leaving life as I know it, at least for a little while.

But strangely enough all I can think about is all that I'll miss while I'm gone from the states. Like I wonder if they show the Super Bowl in Europe because I'll be gone for that. Stuff like that irks me.

That and my increasing awareness of my own personality flaws. Its becoming more common for me to realize that my patience lessens for people the more I know them. Like at work I have all the patience in the world for people and yes, that is what I'm paid to do, but I think its because when you first meet people they are like a blank slate. I don't blame them for their flaws because I either don't notice them or they don't bother me. But with people that I know, the little things bother the hell out of me. But I've realized the stuff that bugs me the most are things that I myself have as a problem or have cured myself of. I guess that comes with being largely self-centered. Like today my mom was setting up a GMail account that I gave her and she kept asking me these silly questions about filling out the questions they ask and how to use the archives. I got pretty unpatient with her and kindly, but firmly suggested that she read the help sections. I then took a shower and after I went back to check on her she was well on her way to email heaven, sending off emails left and right to her friends.

What I'm trying to illustrate here is that I was able to figure out how to use email on my own and other people should be able to as well. Its not even complicated. I used to ask my mom all the time things like "Where is the remote?" or "Where did you put the LA Times?" And she'd respond with something like "Open your eyes wider and look!" So I did the same thing right? Maybe this isn't the best example, but the point is if I can do something, most anybody else should be able to also. And it annoys me to no end when people give up quickly when they're unable to do something that is a rather simple task.

I probably came off as pretty mean there, complaining about the person who raised me for 21 years, but this doesn't just apply to her. This applies to all those people who complain that they cannot get good grades when they spend their time playing video games or whatever. It applies to some morons at work who cannot wait bloody 30 seconds for me to finish with the guest who I was already in the middle of helping. This goes for posers. Those who refuse to like something just because others like it and discovered it first. And there are those who just copy everybody else because they lack the ability to form their own opinions about music, sports or anything else for that matter. But more than that I hate being a hypocrite.

Everclear - Santa Monica

I went to the Green Day concert on Thursday and it was loud. They played their new album, American Idiot, from start to finish and it was good. Then they encored us with some of their old stuff, Longview, Minority, etc. Unfortunately I'm deaf now. Well okay, maybe not, but its close. Right after the concert I couldn't hear anything. Yesterday when I woke up I had this horrible hissing in my ear. It lasted all day. The second morning afterwards it got better.

Unfortunately I think I've lost some of my high-pitch hearing. Like I'm pretty sure I used to be able to hear the crickets in my house clearer and more annoying. It is good that they aren't so bothersome anymore, but it sort of upsets me that I've quite possibly lost something that I'll never have back, even if it wasn't particularly useful to begin with. I guess its just the fact that I know that I could've just not stood so close to the freakin' speaker during the entire concert but I figured the loudness would pass. How foolish of me. As much as I want to say that the experience was worth losing something that I wasn't using to begin with, I can't truthfully say it. But it was still a good concert. And I guess the saying applies, "If its too loud, you're too old." How sad, I'm getting old.

Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams My favorite song on the new album. I also like Holiday, which actually preceeds this song on the album and are continuous when listening to it on the CD and when played live. They are listed as seperate tracks, however.

I haven't posted most of the summer. I can't give a good reason for it unfortunately. Laziness is the most likely suspect. But I've found that during the summers I've never had much to say because things sort of grind to a halt in my life. Without school I'm not forced to absorb new material or deal with new aspects of life. You would think that my job would give me more than adequate opportunities to do so, but I either haven't found them or they've gone ignored. But with school starting again and recent developments in my life I saw an opportunity to post.

First things first, about 3 weeks ago I turned 21. Everybody wanted to make it a big deal. My mom said it was a big deal because it meant I became an adult. I suppose I can't argue with that simply because in our society it is the symbolic passage into adulthood. After the 21st birthday, the next big one is 25, then just the decades after that. Turning 21, or any birthday for that matter, for me, has never been a big deal. I think some of that has to do with my own distaste for growing older and things changing. A sign of things changing is never good. Although I'm sure its happened, I can't seem to remember a time when I've desired becoming an adult or a grownup. Now that its happened, I can't say I totally desire to continue what I've attained purely by surviving childhood.

For my birthday, I just went out with my parents. We picked out a restaurant from the LA Times Restaurant Guide that was in Long Beach and I already can't remember the name of it. But I do remember that the Rack of Lamb was very very delicious. I'd go back there to eat again if the occasion ever arose for me to need a $30 dinner entree. I had wanted to go to Las Vegas on my birthday, simply because its the last remaining hurdle before I'm "legal" but I didn't really plan for it nor did I think it through and I never went.

But then a few weeks later, thanks to some cool people, I went to Las Vegas for some 21+ fun. We did some walking around and shooping (mostly of the window variety) and, of course, gambling. My first time as a legal in Vegas yielded mixed results. I lost any and all money I spent on slot machines and any sort of video poker. But I was drawn in by the lure of the roulette table. We stayed at the Rio hotel and they had the lowest minimum for roulette that I saw. The $2.50 minimum bets made it an affordable venture for me. This particular roulette wheel, however, came in the form of an electronic table. Rapid Roulette is its name. It was the same as regular roulette except that the bet placing is electronic, so all the dealer has to do is deal with is buy ins and cash outs, and spinning the wheel.

So the first night I played $20 and won $50 after being up as much as $80. Pretty good. The second night I quickly lost $25 and decided to play the other $25 I'd won the night before. That slowly left me as well. So even though I was up, I couldn't stop myself and just like all the warnings people give about gambling, knowing when to stop is the most important. But of course I couldn't, so I lost all $50. I kept hoping the number 33 would spring up and pay up big for me, but of course it never did. Then before going to sleep, I decided to play another $10 despite the protestations of those holding my best interests in mind. I won up to around $20 then dropped down to the $2.50 minimum bet. I put as much as I could on the number 33, staying the course as I had bet on it everytime previous. I didn't put all my bets on it of course, but every spin of the wheel had the number covered. Anyways, with a $2 bet on 33 and several other inside bets covering it, I almost walked away resigned to the fact that my money was gone. Then the dealer says 33. Of course I totally think that she is joking. But she did not joke me. Indeed I hit 33 and won over $90. A pretty good night, in the end. I went to sleep, knowing the next day I would go home.

But the next morning I rather quickly lost my $90, then another $15 on top of that. I can't say I was too depressed, because I don't think I ever expected to hit it big or anything. But checking out of the Rio without any winnings to show for was pretty sad. I then headed over to Ballys resigned to having lost already and watching a friend gamble at the Shooting Gallery slot machine. But on my way to the machine, I saw a $5 minimum roulette table and I just had to have a seat. I plunked down $20 and I fluctuated back and forth from about up $40 to under $10. But then I hit it big. My number 33 hit, I hit an 18, twice (although it hit on the wheel three times in a row, THREE! what are the odds on that, jeez?) and a $2 bet on 5, a friend's number, hit exactly on too. So after losing my money at the Rio, Bally's/Paris seemed glad to pay me back as I ended up cashing out at a super $232! I guess I knew when to stop this time. Plus, going home was probably a good reason too.

All that talk about the Dodgers a few posts back and believing in something outside of one's own life really began to show itself to me in Vegas. Las Vegas was full of people who saw the course of their lives (in the broad sense) on the karmic value of otherwise unimportant objects. I totally bought into it too, and why not? I mean if the roulette wheel changes dealers and I suddenly stop losing, who's to say that the original dealer wasn't the reason for me winning. Not to say that he/she was cheating my way, but rather, who is to tell me that my bet on #33 and our particular combination of cosmic identities together at that moment in time and space wasn't the reason I came up with a last minute $90 bet? Sure, perhaps this isn't exactly a proven theory like 1+1=2 and it isn't the same as saying Michael Jordan is a clutch basketball player because history has shown that 1+1=2 and MJ can and will hit shots when they matter most. But my adventures at the roulette wheel certainly haven't done anything to dissuade me from believing that my actions don't have some supernatural affect on my destiny, even if the idea is completely preposterous.

I guess what I'm saying is that people may claim to be unsuperstitious or that God's word is the way they live life or whatever, but when it comes down to it, that just isn't so. When a person's own future and/or especially money is on the line, they are just as willing to decide that one seat at the blackjack table is bad luck for them or the way they pull a slot machine handle is the winning way. People just aren't very self-aware, and others aren't willing to realize what may seem obvious to others, about themselves. Either that, or everybody lies to me. Probably that second one huh? Oh well, I won $230 and you guys can go suck on that for a while. And all the while, the Dodgers are still in first place, BIATCH!

Goldfinger - Radio

My mom has recently suggested to me that I take one of those aptitude tests to determine what profession I would be good at.  You know, where they ask you questions about what you like and tests of what type of things you'd like.  Anyways, I actually took one once at school two years ago, but I never went in to get my "analysis" of the results.  I can't remember why I never went for my appointment.  It was during freshman year and I want to say it was during that week I sprained both of my ankles and I couldn't walk very far.  But it was probably because I was lazy or scared (sort of) to find out, or both.  Some people (myself included, I suppose) would say that they don't like the idea of being told what to do in some version of a caste system.  And I'm pretty sure I'm against people being told what they can or can't be.  People should do what makes them happy, as far as occupation goes.  If they want something, work hard for it and go get it.  I know a lot of people who have picked their majors and they know they're going to be a teacher, psychiatrist, doctor, international relations lawyer or whatever and they've all got their respective majors in college.  Even some high school kids know exactly where they're headed.  Everybody knows what it is they want to do with their major, they all have plans, ideas, and if they don't, I couldn't tell.
 
Thats my whole problem.  I mean I'm doing fine in college, sure.  But in being a history major I hardly have a chosen profession once I get out of college.  And not taking the aptitude test, choosing such a broad subject to get my degree in and basically doing what I'm doing this whole summer, not studying, just working and fooling around, I'm merely prolonging my own future.  I've recently met enough nice people who have, unfortunately, seemingly hit a wall as far as their future's are concerned to serve me warning and being younger than most of them I thnk that I can avoid making choices about my own future, but I don't think I can get by much longer.  With graduation possibly less than a year away, this is the second to last, or possibly last summer before I make a truly life altering decision.  Otherwise I might be stuck in the same place for a looong time.
 
Onto other subjects.  The last few days I've been faced with people complaining about how they are unsuccessful at romance and love.  Multiple persons have brought up the fact that they cannot seem to attract a worthy mate, or even a mate at all.  I think that because of the way we've been raised, we're all taught that things will all be fairy tale endings and rides into the sunset.  Yes, it is rather ironic that I say that while still working at Disneyland, but its true.  Movies are few and far between that do not have the protagonist achieve his romantic goals (at least to a certain extent).  One of the persons told me that they want the person to like them for the person that they are, even though their relatives and some friends tell them they need to lose some weight and update their image (in kinder words, I'm sure).  Well its nice to think that and wish for that and I'll admit I totally used to be in the same boat, but really, its time to face reality. 
 
Stop hoping and wishing, you're still young.  Improve yourself.  Its natural.  Birds have fancy feathers to attract mates, other animals battle it out at the ol' watering hole with their kickass horns.  I'm not saying you need to be conforming to all sorts of stereotypical mating rituals in our society like being a supermodel or being slutty, but you've got to at least have the equipment to play the game, so to say.  I can say this for myself, and I'm assuming its true for others as well, people want to find a mate who likes them for "who they are" because in reality, they aren't really happy with "who they are."  What I mean to say is that the pipedream of having somebody love exactly who you are is really a longing to be validated.  Nobody is perfect, but people should try to improve themselves and just let the chips fall where they may in the other areas of life, relationships included.  I guess this is really to motivate myself as much as it is others.  I used to (and often still do) wish for things to just happen to me and for all of these things to be good, without me lifting a finger, but unfortunately, shit doesn't happen that way.  You've got to continuously try to become a better person.  I realize that now.
 
Sister Hazel - Your Winter

I went to play at Disneyland and California Adventure yesterday. It seems like I'm at Disneyland everyday, even when I'm not working. My next day off is Monday and I'm going to be taking my family there on Monday. But I love it, I think.

While I was there on Friday, I spent a lot of time watching other people. I try to do this whenever I'm in the park because I love to see families. But in particular smaller children. I mean from afar, children and their parents are so perfect looking. The parents could be drunks for all I know and the child could grow up to be a crazy person, but for that day, or hour, or 15 minutes, in my mind they couldn't be any more than they are right there. Like when I was riding the tram to the parking structure, a mom and her daughter were sitting in the row ahead of mine. The daughter yawned and the mom teasingly said "Don't go falling asleep on me. You slept till 10 today so you better stay up all the way home!" And the little girl said, "I'm going to goto sleep!" And they kept going back and forth, but in a cutesy sort of way. Anyways, I kept seeing children and their families all day long and it made me think, I want children.

But then I really thought about it some more. I do want children, someday, but maybe not for the right reasons. I suppose in the evolutionary sense, I want children to pass on my heritage, but realistically, I want children for the same reason I want a girlfriend, or I want to go to New York City. For some reason I have a strange sense that everything will turn around if I just get one break. Like somehow, by raising a child, or moving to a new city, or finding some girl that may or may not be the girl of my dreams will completely turn around my life, as though I needed to be saved from the horrible life that I'm leading as it is. This simply isn't true. Those things would not save me from my life or give me a kick in the butt, instead I think I'd simply adapt to them and continue plodding my way through life. I totally want to say that if I had somebody to love, like a child or even a serious girlfriend, I'd be completely devoted to something and change my ways, but I'm scared to admit that I might not be willing to and my life would continue on its current path.

This is all very weird, probably, considering my lack of intimate relationships with females. I guess I've been discouraged of late, having probably lost out on chances I should've taken, not learning my lessons. I think that I am more willing to at least feel for loving children instead of another adult because of the situation I'm in with my parents and their relationship with each other and me. But isn't that how it is with everything?

This is perhaps my most incoherent post yet.

Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated Oh yeah, Spider-Man 2 was really good.

For some reason I've avoided posting here for a while. I'm not sure why. Have I found something better to do? Not really. Has anything changed in my life? Sort of, but things turned out being the same anyways. But I figure since my last post dealt with the Dodgers, so too will this post.

I went to my fifth Dodger game of the season today. A day game versus the Angels. They lost, 7-5. In a season that began so promising at 22-10, the Dodgers have dropped their last 6 games, getting swept by the Giants at PacBell and losing the first two at home against the Angels and their bandwagoning Orange County fans. Where were the Angels fans three years ago before they lucked into a World Series? Hmmm, I don't know, maybe because there weren't any! The media (and particularly the Angels management and fans) make a big deal about the Angels drawing 3 million fans last year to the park. Yeah, not impressive. The Dodgers have drawn 3 million fans for I don't know how many years in a row now. So enjoy your gloating now because when the Angels fall out of playoff contention (probably not this year, or the next) and return to their toils in mediocrity of the past 3 decades, we'll see where you most of you Angels "fans" are. Plus, Gagne rules.

Lately I've been thinking about this whole sports thing. I don't know if I've said this before, but somehow professional sports, for me, has become a sort of experiment in faith. I'm sure many writers before me have been quite verbose on the subject and I'm sure my own experiences aren't unique, but I believe I've discovered something on my own. Sports, and being a fan of particular teams, gives me something else to put my hope and faith into, sort of. Like when I attend a game, I believe that I make a difference. I know, somewhere deep inside that I probably don't, but then again, deep inside, I want to believe that I do. Like I'll say, if I don't watch two games in a row because I'm at work or I just miss them and the Dodgers lose, somehow its my fault. Sure, if I'd watched those two games the outcome likely wouldn't have changed, but we'll never know, will we.

I realized these rather apparent revelations while reading one of my favorite childhood books, In the Year of the Boar and Jackie Robinson. Its good, go read it. It won't take you more than a day or two, even if you read slow. In the book, our hero Shirley also happens to be a Dodger fan:

"Every time Number 42 came to bat, she imagined herself in Jackie Robinson's shoes. Every time the pigeon-toed runner got on base, she was ready to help him steal home. And when Jackie's sixteen-game hitting streak ended, Shirley blamed herself. On that day, she had had to accompany her parents to greet Mr. Lee from Chungking. Obviously, it was her absence from the radio that made all the difference."

Obviously. So you see, by having baseball, I can somehow transfer my own hopes onto the shoulders of others and be superstitious while claiming not to be in other facets of life. Yes, quite hippocritical on my part but eh, whattya gonna do? Maybe thats why New York is a better city than Boston, the Yankees always win, making their people happier, while the Red Sox... well, yeah. As much as sports fans want to deny it, I think this faith in a team as a representative of one's own hopes is a big part of sports and I, for one, am glad to participate in the myth. Go Dodgers!

Major League baseball is back! I went to my first Dodgers game of the season, the second game of the year for the Dodgers and it was without a doubt the best baseball game I've ever seen, in person. My roommate and I decided to goto the game almost on a whim. We watched the season opener on TV, in which Nomo lost the game, giving up a grand slam to stupid Phil Nevin. After watching that game, he said "we should goto tomorrow's game" and so we went. I like being sort of spontaneous. We bought some tickets from the first scalper who approached us, and while we probably overpaid (face value $25), they were good field level seats, first base side.

The starter for the game was Odalis Perez and he spotted the Padres 4 runs early and was out by the 5th inning. Things weren't looking too good as the Dodgers seemed to be continuing their double-play offense and couldn't drive anybody in. But things changed when Jake Peavy balked in Dave Roberts and later Adrian Beltre hit a line drive that barely, barely cleared the left field wall to tie up the game. Eric Gagne came in to pitch the top of the ninth. This was the first time I'd ever seen Gagne pitch in person and it was pretty darn exciting. He gave up some well hit balls and hit a batter but it was no problem. Then in the bottom of the ninth inning, former Yankee, Robin Ventura comes up to bat and singles down the first baseline to drive in the winning run. Exciting stuff! The Dodgers look good this year, with Milton Bradley, they seem to be in the thick of things in the "wild wild" NL West. Playoffs? I sure hope so. Baseball games are fun! I'm going to goto many more this season and at $6 tickets for the outfield bleachers and upper deck, I can't complain! Come out to a ballgame with me!

As far as school goes, its actually pretty interesting this quarter. Fiction & Film, a lower-division class about transferring books to the film format and how stories are put together, is very enlightening. While discussing Fight Club, my teacher asked the class if the themes in Fight Club apply to everyday life. When the protagonist goes to the support groups, he is simply in search of meaning in his life, because he has become to dull to the world around him. He is surrounded by the commercialized world and he tries to fill his life with IKEA stuff because thats what he's been brought up to believe will help complete his life, but this only leads to furthering his problem. "The things you own end up owning you," as Tyler Durden says.

Anyways, I'm still having problems grappling with the larger issue of finding meaning in life and why I am the way I am, but I think I've realized yet another little part of myself. Being a decidedly unreligious person, I find it difficult to find meaning in life oftentimes and there is a constant battle for me to find motivation, etc. Life is no longer about "living" in the most basic sense because all of our survival instincts are satisfied, so there is no true desire to "survive" and thus I and most everybody I know spend their time trying to find meaning in their lives. Most people find religion/faith in some form or another and I'm glad that most of them have been able to be fulfilled by that, but I still struggle with faith, finding meaning in life, etc. Thats the reason I enjoy anything that makes me feel sentimental or emotional because it makes me feel more human, if that makes any sort of sense.

Shakira - Octavo Dia (Unplugged)

Last post I talked about how going to work allowed me a chance to see the guests being happy and vicariously living through it, etc. But today at work reality hit me with a sledgehammer. I try to talk to the guests when ever I get a chance and this kid, maybe 12 years old, walks up to my game by himself and he's just checking out my game. I don't really make a big deal about it because a lot of kids just like to look at the different games. So I ask him, "How's it going?" And he says "Okay." And I go through the motions of asking him about the game, if he wants to play, does he have money, etc. He's still wavering so I figure he doesn't really want to play and I just let it go. He continues to stand around so I ask him "Where's your family?" And he says something like, "Nowhere." And I think to myself, "Silly children, can't answer questions," So I ask him "How'd you get to Disneyland then?" And then he said "Foster parents." I was just stunned.

Obviously I knew of the existence of orphan children but for some reason I just got really bummed out hearing it from him. The kid seemed like a nice enough boy. I wanted to say something like "I'm sorry" or anything, but I couldn't think of anything appropriate to say. Anyways, he played the game and won, and I'm glad he was able to get a prize, however small that may be.

I saw Jersey Girl and it was really good. Not like the other Kevin Smith movies. There was no mention of pot, no Bluntman and Chronic, no Star Wars references... well okay, there was ONE, but it was a good one and you probably wouldn't even notice it. Its just a good story about growing up and certainly different from the other "Jersey Trilogy" movies. And as sad as it is to say, it made me want to have kids.

Spring break was mostly a bust for me, as I did a lot of nothing. I had been anticipating seeing somebody, but things never work out the way they do in my head. I always have these really awesome plans in the middle of the night, just before I goto sleep. I come up with these elaborate ideas of how I'm going to go about doing something and it seems so perfect when I'm tired. I guess its true that "Nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it." Anyways, I got to see the person, but it left me more bummed out than elated, unfortunately. Then there was the whole foster parents thing. I'm such a lucky person, I hardly deserve any of this.

Ataris - Looking Back on Today (Acoustic)

A few days ago I had this dream in which I won a radio contest. It was like one of those dealios where you call in and you're caller number whatever. Anyways, it turns out I was invited to the studio to meet Hoobastank. In real life, I don't particularly like this band or anything, but they've got some catchy tunes. Back in the dream, it was a few days later and I was in the studio of the radio station with some other winners of the same contest. We had finished talking to the band and they'd left and I was talking to some of the people who were there and there was this really hot girl that I was talking to. She and I kept saying "I want to goto so and so concert!" And the other person would be like "Me too!" And then I'd say something like "Well, I don't like this song very much." And she'd say "I hate that song!" And it was like we were exactly the same, except she was really hot. That was a pretty cool dream but then I had to goto class, in real life, and that wasn't as cool.

Today I missed my class because I overslept. I heard my alarm and basically ignored it. This quarter, despite taking only three classes, I'm doing worse than ever. I found out that I had finished nearly all of my requirements for graduation except for two history classes and my foreign language requirement but I'm still short the required number of units to graduate and basically I'd be just filling it in with any classes I want to take, just to fulfill the unit requirements.

A few weeks back I watched L'Auberge Espnaol. Its a movie about a French student who goes to Spain to study abroad for a year. Anyways, long story short, it made me really want to study abroad. I mean I've been thinking about it since Freshman year, and probably before, but I got motivated because of it and I seriously looked into it. Unfortunately, my dreams may have been shattered by what my counselor told me about graduating and fulfilling my language requirement. I slacked off on taking a foreign language and with the technicalities of it all, I screwed myself over and now the likelihood of me going abroad fade quickly. But I so want to break out of the norm and just experience new things.

As far as breaking out of the norm, I think thats why I still work at Disneyland. I have to drive home every weekend but I love it because it gives me a chance to see people be happy, especially the guests. Its a cheap thrill, to be sure, but I like what it represents. I think its a combination of my own ability to sort of block everything else out while I'm working and also vicariously share in other peoples' fun.

I suppose I ought to end on something positive. I haven't lost any weight since the New Year in spite of my resolution to work out more. I've continued my jogging and some weight lifting (although not exactly an expert at that) and I've exercised at least 4 days a week, every week. If anything, I've gained weight. You'd think that'd bother me? But no! I feel a lot healthier! I'm sure the calculable results will appear soon, both on the scale and in the weight room.

Joss Stone - Fell In Love With a Boy

On Tuesday I was watching the Food Network and I saw this lady making these really awesome looking meatballs. She made these gigantic meatballs the size of a baseball, and it had onions and parsley and all this awesome stuff in it and it made me really want to eat Spaghetti. Just a simple spaghetti with marinara sauce and maybe 3 or 4 giant meatballs. Man, that makes me hungry just thinking about it.

Almost everyday when I goto class I take my ipod to class and I love it. But I attribute my lack of meaningful updates on this blog to that. Listening to my music zones me out from the rest of the world. For example, today, on the bus the driver and some other student were talking about something that I wasn't paying attention to. Then all of a sudden two other passengers laughed together with the driver and the first person. I missed out on whatever it is was said. I know that it probably was inconsequential and just a stupid joke but maybe it was a really funny joke! Listening to music (or whatever) when in public like that isolates people. I know that seemed like a rather obvious statement, but I had to slowly realize this myself. I'm still trying to decide whether I like having a soundtrack to my strolling or if I prefer to pay attention to my surroundings.

Earlier this week, I went jogging in the rain. It was cold as hell. Well, actually when I was beginning to jog it wasn't too bad. but when I turned around, I realized that it wasn't so bad to start with because I was running with the wind/rain. Running into the rain, not cool. Definately not as cool as it looks in the movies.

Incubus - Talk Show on Mute I bought the new Incubus CD, a crow left of the murder. Its sort of disappointing, especially considering the sweetness of Morning View. But its got a few redeeming tracks.

I really like Peanut Butter M&M's. I bought a bag today inbetween classes and put it in my backpack. Then not twenty minutes ago (around 3:00AM) I realized I hadn't eaten them yet. And I pulled them out and ate them, and it was tasty.

Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of

2004. Thats really weird.

I remember I had this pretty awesome T-Shirt in elementary school. It was red with black graphics/lettering. I don't know who gave it to me, but it had this pretty cool image with some kid driving a spaceship and it said "Class of 2001." I couldn't even comprehend graduating, much less the year 2001.

In 1996, during the Olympics in Atlanta, I was so into the whole Olympic thing that my cousin and I planned to save up as much money as we could to goto the Sydney games in 2000 and I could hardly wait for 2000.

Now its 2004. How awesome.

For New Year's, I've resolved to do at least one thing, get in shape. Anything else that improves will be secondary. If I can get in shape, I'll be happy. And I've gotten off to a good start already, jogging every day so far! Yay for me!

Jason Mraz - I'll Do Anything