I went to play at Disneyland and California Adventure yesterday. It seems like I'm at Disneyland everyday, even when I'm not working. My next day off is Monday and I'm going to be taking my family there on Monday. But I love it, I think.

While I was there on Friday, I spent a lot of time watching other people. I try to do this whenever I'm in the park because I love to see families. But in particular smaller children. I mean from afar, children and their parents are so perfect looking. The parents could be drunks for all I know and the child could grow up to be a crazy person, but for that day, or hour, or 15 minutes, in my mind they couldn't be any more than they are right there. Like when I was riding the tram to the parking structure, a mom and her daughter were sitting in the row ahead of mine. The daughter yawned and the mom teasingly said "Don't go falling asleep on me. You slept till 10 today so you better stay up all the way home!" And the little girl said, "I'm going to goto sleep!" And they kept going back and forth, but in a cutesy sort of way. Anyways, I kept seeing children and their families all day long and it made me think, I want children.

But then I really thought about it some more. I do want children, someday, but maybe not for the right reasons. I suppose in the evolutionary sense, I want children to pass on my heritage, but realistically, I want children for the same reason I want a girlfriend, or I want to go to New York City. For some reason I have a strange sense that everything will turn around if I just get one break. Like somehow, by raising a child, or moving to a new city, or finding some girl that may or may not be the girl of my dreams will completely turn around my life, as though I needed to be saved from the horrible life that I'm leading as it is. This simply isn't true. Those things would not save me from my life or give me a kick in the butt, instead I think I'd simply adapt to them and continue plodding my way through life. I totally want to say that if I had somebody to love, like a child or even a serious girlfriend, I'd be completely devoted to something and change my ways, but I'm scared to admit that I might not be willing to and my life would continue on its current path.

This is all very weird, probably, considering my lack of intimate relationships with females. I guess I've been discouraged of late, having probably lost out on chances I should've taken, not learning my lessons. I think that I am more willing to at least feel for loving children instead of another adult because of the situation I'm in with my parents and their relationship with each other and me. But isn't that how it is with everything?

This is perhaps my most incoherent post yet.

Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated Oh yeah, Spider-Man 2 was really good.