Birthday post! I'm 23 now. That just sounds old. But then I totally don't feel old at all. Like at heart I still feel like a young person, but I know 23 is that point where I should be more of an adult than not. My birthday went well. The night before I saw Adrian Brody. Man his nose is big in real life too. Maybe even bigger than I could imagine. Then the next day, my birthday, I went to eat the best pastrami ever, at Langers deli, with my family. If you love pastrami, you should come with me sometime! My treat :) I would go there more often on my own, but its in LA so its not worth it unless someone comes with me. And I say this as a real invite because I've realized its important to spend time with people who want to spend time with me. I only got a few gifts for my birthday, which is fine with me and I'm thankful for the ones I got. But I really liked getting texts throughout the day, starting with the ones I got in the middle of the night. Then checking myspace during the day and getting phone messages from people I haven't talked to in a while. I know it doesn't take but 30 seconds to send something like that but I really did enjoy it. It makes me feel loved. So in return, you guys should come with me to eat pastrami sometime. I want other people to know I'm happy to be your friend. So thanks, even if you don't take me up on my pastrami offer. Seriously though, best pastrami, ever.

I think one of my favorite things to do is sing songs in the car. Honestly, I really think I need to do this more often. I like doing it when I drive by myself, but I love it even more when its with somebody else. For me, because I am a little bit shy about belting it out and doing things that might be embarassing, I think its important for me to do this as much as possible, to simply get over my inhibitions. I know not everyone knows the lyrics to every song, but who cares!? Its about having fun. So another invite or maybe just a suggestion. Lets go somewhere! Anywhere! I'll drive, or you can drive if you want to! As long as we get to sing! But you gotta sing too! I promise, if I laugh at you, its because I'm having fun, not because you suck at singing. Rock songs are fun, N*Sync is always exciting and Disney music is the best. But I get to be Gaston if we sing Beauty and the Beast.

One more thing, SNAKES ON A PLANE! Go see it! It's a completely awful movie and I loved every second of it! Everything I hoped for and more!

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop Now if I could sing this song, then I'd really be awesome.

There will be no deep emotional feelings in this blog post. I would just like to say that there is a hissing sound in my ears right now, even though my house is completely silent because MxPx freaking rocked my ear drums apart. Reel Big Fish were pretty fun to watch too. I love concerts. I love mosh pits. I don't know what it is about watching rock bands in the pit. Almost everybody tries to get as close as they can to the band on stage and even if you don't know the lyrics, everybody rocks out, jumps up and down and doesn't mind a little body contact. I love the feeling of being a part of the crowd, not being able to control which way you're going to sway because everybody is packed so close together. I don't even mind sharing other peoples' sweat. It would normally be very gross, but it doesn't bother me when everybody is just bumping back and forth. Maybe its because nobody cares and everyone is just out to have a good time. Now if only my hearing would return.

The last few days have been quite fun for me. I love singing NSync, Blink's Dammit and my favorite, Aladdin! I haven't sung Aladdin in a duet, with a female since 6th grade and that was only in a choir. I also love playing with nerf footballs in parking lots. Late night, unplanned fun is always more fun than planned fun I think. I think thats because that sort of spontaneous fun is more fulfilling because there are no expectations. And the fun you're having is only replacing time alone at home (more often than not). Anyways, I've been quite happy the past few days. I really do have to learn to not let things bother me.

MxPx - Punk Rawk Show!!!!!

Haha wow, that last post was really not good. I tried to make like this back and forth comparison between the way my life was going and how the Dodger game for that night was going. Like I would be doing pretty good, and the Dodgers would take the lead. Then in my life I'd screw up, just like the Dodgers would blow the lead. Anyways, it was a really poorly described analogy. Probably would've looked good as a movie montage sequence though.

So I went to the Dodgers game the other night and they lost, again, of course. This blows. The Dodgers suck balls. But the company was good at least.

So my mom left the country for a while a few months back. She went to teach English to little children in Taiwan and thats good for her because she just retired and thats what she wanted to do with her time. And since she's been back I haven't really spent time with her. You know how it is when you live with somebody but you don't spend time with them? Its like we occupy the same space, but we only meet in the kitchen and living room. I guess thats how its always been for my family. My mom then wrote me an email but it must've been a day or two ago to an email address that I don't check daily.

Anyways, she writes me to apologize for the way she raised me. Like she says she thinks her and my father did the right things in taking me to school and providing me with food and stuff but they didn't talk to me enough to aid in my "emotional development" or whatever. I always knew this was true, but I just figured it was an Asian thing, like Asian families just don't communicate. But she then tells me that our whole family has communication problems, between her and my father, between me and both my parents. So I knew this too, but I only recently understood how it has affected me. For the longest time, I did not realize that the lack of communication between my parents and myself was something that would affect me in life until the last few years. Like I just always assumed not communicating with my parents was just something everybody went through, but now I realize that because of a lack of true open communication (or any sort of communication) with my parents has made me sort of detached from other people. I don't know how to express my feelings to others and truly trust other people. Maybe thats why I've done so poorly in terms of establishing and maintaining friendships. And maybe thats why I've written so many godforsaken letters lately, and in my life. Its a way for me to communicate, but without actually having to do it. And maybe thats why I keep this blog too. To share my feelings without having to deal with other peoples' reactions. I don't know what to think anymore. But somebody once told me to stop blaming my parents and I need to take charge and I certainly am trying to do that. So if I get weird in the near future, or whenever, just bear with me, I'm just trying to share more of myself. I think I need to start to spend more time with my mom too.

Incubus - I Wish You Were Here

Dodgers just came back from a 3 run defecit in the 8th inning against the Pads and are in the 10th inning now and I thought this would be a good time to post while I'm listening to this game.

So the last few days have been pretty weird. Saturday was the hottest day ever at work. I mean it was amazingly hot. I can't remember a hotter day. We took our ties off and slacked off all day. It was horrible and humid. Then at night, on my way home, there was lightning and thunder and it was awesome! Then Sunday got even weirder. I woke up and it was overcast at my house but by the time I got to work, it was pouring rain. I got out of my car and it was raining sideways. Lightning struck California Adventure, or struck right above it I'm pretty sure. Insane. But thats not my favorite part of the day!

The rest of the day went pretty smoothly, but then in the afternoon, who strolls up to my game but Topher Grace! Yeah, I usually don't get excited over celebrities, I've seen or helped many of them and they're just normal people and I didn't get too excited about Topher either. He was pretty nice, although horrible at basketball. But he had money to spend and he won prizes. But then coming down the walkway was MANDY MOORE! I got almost giddy. She didn't even come near my game, Topher walked towards her, but I got super excited. And I was like jumping up and down. It was pretty darned exciting and she was pretty darned beautiful, even though she had sunglasses on. So the whole point of this was I used to think I was jaded with celebrities but I guess I'm just not super excited about meeting Mike Bibby. I'm more excited to meet Mandy Moore. Maybe next time she'll come by and say hi.

But if my life is really going the way this Dodger game is going now, I won't get to meet Mandy. Dodgers lead, then they fall behind, then make a spectacular comeback! Then late in the game they lose it, barely. Thats how I feel things have gone for me the last few days too. Just up and down. Like I think I'm doing great! Then I go and screw it up like I always do. But then, late in the game, y'know, 8th inning, I make a comeback! Maybe I've got a chance! But of course, I have to go and be a moron and mess up royally. Like losing by 1 run in the 11th inning. Stupid Dodgers. Stupid me. Argh! Its like I'm a sucker for repeating history. Things weren't queer enough yet. I had to go and make things more awful than they already were. Yay for me.

How long does it take before people get to that point where you can look back and laugh at things? I guess I'll never know because knowing the way things have gone for me, I'll continue making things weird so not enough time will EVER pass. BLARGH!

Today I had this moment of extreme passion today after work. Like I was so ready to just explode and like rattle some cages and say what I wanted to, to everyone, because I was so mad about how things have been going for me. But I walked away, telling myself it would be another poor decision and nothing good would result. The Dodgers get to play another game tomorrow and the season is still long. I've still got another chance too, I hope.

Cardigans - Lovefool

Stupid Dodgers. Losing 5 in a row. This is sucky. Its okay though. Another team has learned about the crappiness that is Jeff Weaver. In his debut as a St. Louis Cardnial, he lost to Atlanta 15-3. I can't believe that the Angels got anything for him.

I was at Target really early one morning a few days ago and I was reading some "inspirational" books. One of them was by Tim McGraw, the singer, or he inspired it with his song "Live Like You Were Dying" or something like that. Anyways, it just had quotes and sayings about carpe diem and whatever. But there was one section in there about how people save letters because it is a reminder of a time when somebody loved them enough to write them something. And I think I like that explanation of letters. I received a postcard today from my friend, who is one of the bravest people I know, and its just nice to know that people think of you even when they're off discovering the world. I do love receiving mail. I wonder if people have saved the postcards I've sent to them and the letters I passed back in grade school. I used to save old emails but it wasn't quite the same as the postcard or letter because when you go back to read those, its like a placeholder in time of a moment shared. Its hard for me to explain and I tried to duplicate it by just sending postcards out even though I saw the people before any snail mail would ever arrive but I got very little positive response from that experiment. I think I'll have to try it again sometime, when something important happens to me. I suppose what I'd really like is to be able to read letters that I've sent out to others to recall a time in my own life. I forget things so quickly now and I wish I could hold onto every moment, even the low ones.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Yesterday when I started my shift I was feeling excellent. There are times when I just feel like nothing in the world bothers me. I once wrote that I decided to not let things bother me anymore, and sometimes I totally feel that way. But then there are times, in the same day, sometimes the same hour, where I feel like crap and I second guess myself and I think negative thoughts. I think what I like most is getting lost in the moment, like at the movies. Bleh.

I feel like I wrote this blog post just to have something new because that last post, although it was very important to me, makes me depressed to have it on top. So I'm sorry that this post makes no sense, and here's some information that is more important to my life:

After a very bad experience with office work, I think I've decided that teaching is what I want to do, even though I've been avoiding it since high school, I really think I'd enjoy it. But maybe I should think about it for more than two days, huh?

Hans Zimmer - Jack Sparrow