Do you ever feel as though everything you know about anything you learned from watching television and movies? I bet its just me. Every time I have any sort of important emotional development in my life, I have to somehow relate it to a movie or tv show I've seen. Its like I need someone else to create my reactions to life events. I didn't learn them from my parents, instead I learn them from Ross and Rachel.

I think I've come to realize that I always write when I'm unhappy. Not that I'm particularly unhappy now, but I always return to writing this because its like a calling out. Like when people commit suicide. Not that I'm considering that, but isn't that how they teach it? That people who cut themselves, some of them are into the pain, granted, but others are doing it for the attention right? Like they cut themselves so others will notice that they are depressed or in pain or whatever? Is my writing just a way for people to read my thoughts and hopefully relate and feel sorry for me? I don't get it.

I feel like I'm falling into the same cycles. Obviously I am, life is cyclical. Some basketball analyst was talking about the Lakers playing the Rockets and how lunacy is trying the same things over and over and expecting different results, because the Lakers would play lackadaisical defense and not double on Yao Ming, etc. and they were hoping to beat the Rockets after Portland had employed similar strategies. I feel like I'm in the same place. Is it something I've developed now? I know that I'm no good at forming or maintaining relationships of any sort other than short superficial ones. So has it come to a tipping point now where I'm going to lose more people I've bonded with? Or is that just the normal ebb and flow of friendships as life progresses? I would hope its the second one, but with my friendship track record, who am I to say?

Today I had an interview for the Jungle Cruise skippers to Tokyo challenge. Essentially its a contest (via interview process concluding with an 'audition' to send the 'best' skippers from around the world to Tokyo for a week). Anyways, I realized that I'm terrible at interviews. I always thought that I was a likable person in a short encounter. Like whenever I meet someone for the first time, they generally like me. I'm polite, friendly, I don't speak too crazy and I'm very self-conscious. But that's my problem I realize. I'm too self-conscious. This makes me into someone who is un-threatening and altogether unmemorable. Its not that everybody likes me, its that they have no feeling about me one way or the other. You can take that in a positive light, which is how I had been thinking about it. If they aren't thinking anything bad about me, then it means they must like me. But what it really means is that I generally haven't made any impression at all. This is why I probably bombed my interview today. I was thinking too much (something I'm quite adept at) and I couldn't articulate my words in a quick 3 question, 5 minute interview and as a result I am more likely than not out of the running for a paid trip to Tokyo. Maybe I should've gotten drunk first, then I could've talked up a storm. If only I could have every conversation buzzed.

I wonder if I'm going to end up alone. Why do I even care? Is it something inherent in me? Or is it something that has been ingrained in me from all the movies, tv shows, books and everything I've ever been exposed to since I was small? Why is it that I care so much? Do I want to be with someone? Have I created this situation because I know that it will replicate the relationship my parents have? I hate being so self-conscious and insecure.

Look, I'm a little bit buzzed (the booze was free...) right now and maybe these thoughts aren't completely coherent, but I think I should write them down before I regain my inhibitions. I'm sorry that I'm acting the way I am. I don't know why I do it. I mean I do, because it feels like you've hurt me, but I don't like the way I've acted, its childish, but what can I say? I'm selfish and jealous. I would never act say these things sober (probably) because I am probably too reserved and shy, but honestly, it makes me jealous. I am an only child after all. I know its unfair but I feel like its unfair to me that you'd want to kiss other people and when I try anything at all you tell me "that'll make it harder" (no pun intended... well not initially, but it was pretty funny when I realized what I had said the other night about harder...). I can't stand that you say want to see me as much as possible but nothing else. Anyways, I'm sorry that I'm acting the way that I am and I hope you know that its because I care too much, not because I don't care, even though thats what I say aloud, sober.

What is it about people that makes them dislike change? I know I've pondered this before and I think it all boils down to the mortality and finality of it all. I mean all these questions people have about themselves, others, their lives, all it boils down to is "What does it all mean?"

People don't like change because it reminds them, either directly or subconsciously that in the end, nobody knows why things happen and that no matter what you do, it will all end. Life is all directed towards reaching immortality. By buying things I can somehow prolong my short existence and prove that I was here. The scuffs and wear on my shoes isn't just some fashion statement, its a reminder of the places I've walked, things I've seen, some sort of physical proof that I have done things with my time. By exercising and eating right, I can preserve the youth that I have and maybe extend it just a bit longer. When you're young, possibilities are still open, there is still life to be lived, but slowly, day by day, moment by moment, its a countdown towards coming to grips with the reality of the situation. I suppose it seems a bit depressing and maybe comforting in a sense, but the reality is that the world will continue no matter what you do, with or without you and in the end, because nothing lasts forever, you just have to let go. (I'm pretty sure I lifted that last part from Benjamin Button.)

So what does it boil down to? Religion seeks to answer that, but it feels like its just a way to avoid the grim reality of things. I hate that I'm not religious. I hate hate hate it. It would be so much easier to have some sort of blind faith in some man made answer that billions of people before me have put their trust into. Its comforting. If I knew that I had that answer, it frees me to live my life to the fullest and achieve things that I want knowing that is how its meant to be. But I cannot.

So where does that leave me? If it is hopeless and the banal, inescapable truth is that it will come to an uneventful ending, how do you cope with that? Doesn't accepting that mean you're now free to live life to the fullest and achieve things that you want knowing that is how you are meant to do it? Was that too cheesy a conclusion? Probably. But what other way is there?

I think I've realized this before and maybe I'm just reinforcing the lesson, but if its all going to come to an end, then all we have is in that moment, right? I know this isn't anything new but I suppose thats part of what its all about, realizing that experiencing as much as possible in what finite time we are allotted is where its at. This isn't one of the carpe diem things. Well, perhaps it is, in a manner of speaking, but what it really is, for me, is understanding that while nothing lasts forever, in each moment, it can. And in hopefully knowing that, maybe I can learn to experience and enjoy each moment without looking forward (or backwards) too much. Talk about cheesy.

I don't have any clue what I'm doing.

I've gotten myself into some conundrums recently. I feel like I'm on the verge of something, like I feel myself changing. Tonight I auditioned for a part in the flashback production this year and I enjoyed it. I realize that I'm 25 now, but its like I've only recently begun to live my life. In the past year and a half I've had more fun and experienced more about myself than I feel like I have ever before. And I don't know if its just tonight, but I sense that I'm going to be a very different person in a relatively short amount of time. It isn't inevitable or anything, but I just feel like I'm on the fence and I just need a push, either from an outside source or from myself even.

The biggest change I can point to, I guess, is that I've become more open and talkative. I've always had a problem sharing myself I think and this blog was an outlet, which is why I haven't written a whole lot, I haven't needed to. I thought I wasn't writing because I wasn't having any life experiences, but I sort of realized that its possible that I wasn't writing because I didn't need to. I was enjoying these life experiences with other people. I'm not even sure that makes sense as I write it.

But what I'm afraid of is that if I change too much, what I've learned about myself will no longer apply. Not long ago, it was brought to my attention that I have some small skill that encourages people to trust me and open up. I like that people trust me, but with these changes in me that I foresee in my future, I feel that I'll change and I'll know less about myself once again. Like its taken me this long to learn how little I know about myself and who I am, and man, has it been a long time, and just as soon as I think I've gotten a grip on things, here we go again.

Why is it that I fear change? Do I like where I am and I want to stay? Or is it because I'm not sure whats to come? Just when things are getting comfortable, y'know? Sigh. Here we go again.

How easy would things be if I could have all my conversations over the internet? I'd have time to think over my responses. I wouldn't have to deal with people's facial reactions or their reactions to my own. But I guess that's a complaint that our generation faces, the fact that we are growing further away from interpersonal communication skills as technology develops.

A few months ago, maybe even a year ago now, I was at the mall at the John Varvatos store. Anyways, I was by myself and...

So the part above this was a section of a story I was trying to put down but I started writing it 2 weeks ago and I couldn't bring myself to blogging it. I don't know why. Not that its a particularly difficult story or embarrassing, I just wasn't in a blogging mood. I only get in a blogging mood when I feel like I'm on the verge of some emotional breakthrough, good or bad. Anyways, the general gist of the story is that some store worker said "You don't really want to buy anything today" or something like that implying that I couldn't afford to buy anything and I said "Yeah I do" when in reality I was really just browsing. And I felt offended that he thought I couldn't afford stuff but I didn't say anything. And the moral of the story is I don't think I stand up enough for myself and speak my mind enough. Like if I feel I've been slighted in some way I won't come out and say anything about it. Maybe I'm just not a confrontational guy. But its odd because I'm plenty willing to tell someone something I KNOW is right, like a fact. Like if a child isn't tall enough I don't shy away from confronting the parents, but when it involves my own stuff, I can't do it.

The other point of the story is that I care way too much about what other people think of me. Or at least I used to. Like other's people's opinions of me mattered to me way too much. What does it matter if I can't afford a piece of clothing? I mean its the truth right? Like why not just be honest and up front? And not just about that, but about everything? And I think that since that happened to me, and I've definitely been working towards this in my interpersonal relationships, I need to stop caring about being judged and just "be myself" as people would say. And tonight I sort of feel that I am content being honest about who I am. But it doesn't feel like one of those epiphany moments though. I've felt those moments where you feel invicible, not in the physical Superman, faster than a speeding bullet sense, but emotionally, like a feeling that no matter what happens, I know everything will be alright sense. But in realizing that I don't really care too much about what people think about me, its not a happy sentiment for me, at least not in this moment.

It most certainly feels like another extension of my emotional detachment. I think that I have lived my life in a constantly un-confident and semi-depressed state that I don't know how to deal with myself as a person who is okay with who they are. Like I WANT to have some mental hangup in my psyche. It makes me feel like more of a person to be emotionally damaged. How fucked up is that?

This is a restart of my blog. Again.

Its been 10 months since I've written. And I come to realize that without the introspection of this blog, I really don't know anything about myself. And I've also seen how little I know about myself and how un-self aware I am. My friend Leo told me online one day that I am a good person and that I am always defending people and giving them excuses because I see the good in people. I didn't even know I did that. I suppose once he told it to me it became obvious, but without him pointing it out, it did not dawn upon me that I was that type of person. That night he told me that was like an epiphany for myself and I read one of my postsecret books and get all sorts of sappy like people get when reading emotional stuff like that. Then that night I realized how long it had been since I'd had a serious emotional moment, albeit that one was all by myself.

I feel emotionally detached, from everything. Like I'll talk about things going on in my life but I realize that I don't feel the emotion that I once did. Is it because I'm a more open person now? Somehow I doubt it. I feel like I'm more emotionally shutout than ever before. I suppose I should start from the beginning, at least the past few undocumented months.

A few months ago, I'm not even sure when, I began ignoring my mom. I know how despicable that sounds, and I agree, it is. Like I literally only gave her really short answers to questions and didn't really have any conversations of value with her. Not that my parents and I had a special relationship or anything to begin with. I'm not sure if I can adequately explain how that is without writing an essay, but suffice it to say, my background lends itself to little to no intimacy with my parents. But in the past few months I became something else completely, in relation to my mom. And I suspect that's when my current emotional haze began. But it wasn't until recently that I realized truly how far it has seeped into my current state of being.

To be fair to myself, I've been having a really good time the past few months at work and just hanging out. I fill my time working Jungle Cruise and Indiana Jones Adventure, something I very very much enjoy. At Jungle particularly, I feel like its something that I'm actually good at for the first time in my life. In the past I've worked on things and participated in stuff but was never anything special, and while there are many many many talented skippers at Jungle, I count myself in the upper echelon of the current skips. But enough jerking myself off.

Throughout this fun summer of Disney World trips and making new friends, I cannot recall a single unabashed, honest moment where I shared myself with someone else. I've been having a lot of exciting times and I don't regret anything, its just that I wish I were more in touch emotionally. Does that even make sense? Its like I've been a holding pattern as far as my intimate life goes, perhaps even taking steps backwards. The realization of this hit me just yesterday in fact. Prior to that I hadn't really thought much about it.

I was having a conversation that Leo would call a DMC (deep meaningful conversation) where two people just sit together and talk, but I didn't feel anything. I completely wanted to and intended to, but I didn't. Not awkward silences, not sexual tension, not boredom, nothing. And I guess if I had described a long talk with those attributes it would seem like a good talk, but it just didn't feel like it. And maybe it was just on my end, in which case I'd feel like even more of an ass for how it ended, but I thought I had been sharing myself but I just felt nothing emotionally. Like you get that welling up feeling in your chest when you start talking about stuff that really matters to you, and I just didn't have it. Like right now I can go and read grouphug.us online confessions of other people, strangers, with true emotional regrets and secrets and I can get the feeling almost to the point where I long to physically hug them, but when I think about my own life and problems, nada. Is that because I am a happier person now? Maybe. Or am I on a verge of some sort of breakdown? I long to have an emotional bond with someone but I just don't know how and of course not everyone is willing either.

But then earlier tonight, while watching Gossip Girl, the most stereotypcially vapid of all shows, it came to me. If I can't have a healthy relationship with my own mother at the age of 25, how can I hope to have one with anyone else? Christine, you were right. You warned me it was a bad idea to ignore her and now I see the light, at least a little bit. Leo says I'm a forgiving person who wants to see the good in people, so perhaps I need to do the same for my mother. And then maybe if that can happen I can have actual DMC's. I'm hopeful, I think. Maybe its more fun to be a part of what another friend of mine has aptly named the Sad Club, of which I am not an official member. Maybe because of my upbringing I'm more comfortable being a sad person and this new found emotional void isn't a void at all, instead its happiness and I just don't know how to deal with it. I need a hug. And a life.

I'm totally back doing Flashback again and I'm having a really good time. It does make me wonder about how I should be defining my success or happiness in life. I'm totally a materialistic person. I am very much into buying expensive things, clothing, cars (unfortunately), food, and just stuff in general.

If I'm going to have something I want to have the best of that something. I suppose this is some incarnation of my need to be the best. Like if I'm driving on the freeway I don't like to be passed by another car if I can help it. I also always have to be right. Its really quite a bad personality trait. But its not like I have to be the best, its just that I have to classify everybody and everything as better or worse than something else. What is that? I have to compare everything to something else and decide which is better. This isn't so bad when I say something like Friday Night Lights is a better television show than Grey's Anatomy. But it gets me in trouble when in my mind I'm saying to myself "Girl A is prettier than Girl B" or "Girl A is too good for Boy A." And this manifests itself in weird ways too. Although I try to hide my thoughts from the world I'm pretty sure people can see it in my facial expressions or my tone of voice, despite my attempts to mask my unsavory thoughts.

So what does this have to do with my happiness and fulfillment in life? Well like many in our modern society, we've come to define our success in material ways. Like in Fight Club, and I'm only generally pulling from this, Ed Norton's character remarks about his now destroyed apartment that his IKEA-esque furniture portion of his life had been fulfilled and it was something he didn't have to worry about any more. Is that what its come to? I need a material good to define my success as a person? Do I need that pair of Diesel jeans? Yeah, I feel like I look better wearing them, but isn't that only because I think other people think I look better, like "oooh, Diesel jeans." But if I'm not defining my success and happiness through material means, by what means should someone define their life? I suppose my mom would say something about how I treated the world around me, in particular my friends, family and those I care about.

Are we merely just existing and are material possessions just another way for me to rank myself amongst my peers? Undoubtedly yes. But how do I break away from this? How do you define happiness when I've been bombarded by all of these media messages since my youth? Is it just about being happy in the moment you're in? But how do I know that I really am happy and I'm not just being influenced by what society has dictated should make me happy? It seems very paradoxical. Well I do know that I want to just shake about and bounce around my room when I hear this song from The Wombats and it makes me happy at least for now, and for now, that'll have to do... at least until I find a new pair of jeans.

The Wombats - Let's Dance to Joy Division

What the hell. I already messed up my new car. What a shitty careless driver I am. Breaking my passenger side rear view mirror casing. On the garage entrance no less. I hate having nice things. Dammit!

Christmas time. Its a time for family and for showing the ones you care about that you care about them by giving them things. I'm very confused. Nobody in my family goes to church, no one is particularly religious, except for my aunt and my mom, who are what can best be generalized as Buddhist. So why do we exchange gifts every year amongst the family members? When I was a kid I can't recall think about this because I only cared about getting gifts and playing with my cousins. But now that I'm grown and the adults no longer shower the "children," who are mostly college graduates now, with gifts. This year all the parents, mine and my aunts/uncles all decided the "kids" don't need gifts or money from them any more and we bought each other gifts instead. This made me realize the holiday, for my extended family, is an odd thing. Its like we celebrate it because we live in America and the holiday here is such a part of the culture. My cousins and myself are all the first generation of kids born here in the United States and perhaps celebrating this holiday was a way for the family to help us meld into our dual lives that we live.

I can remember my mom used to buy tickets for the family to goto this church performance of the story of Christmas at Crystal Cathedral. It was a really nice one with flying angels and everything, and perhaps she just enjoyed the production values, but mixing that with the non-denominational nature of my family seems odd. But I've even been to a Christian summer camp as well as Buddhist ones (the Christian ones were more fun, archery is infinitely more exciting than chanting). I suppose this lends to explain why I do have exposure to many different cultures and people and why I feel I'm generally accepting of everyone but I also think that it has played a part in my lack of a social identity. America is indeed a melting pot, but I don't know how well I've mixed in. Like in the recipe of America's melting pot, I'm one of those ingredients that fits in and enhances the soup but really doesn't belong? No, that was a horrible analogy. I got a better one, I'm like the crust that forms on the top of the soup, I fit in but I'm still sort of on the outside of the soup. Enjoyable, but not a necessity. Wow, that was an amazing analogy, I win!

I think Christmas, although it is the celebration of the life and birth of Christ, it has definitely evolved into something else in this day and age. Obviously the commercialism of the gift giving is a something entire books have been written for, the fact that it represents a happy time for children and time for family to get together still means something nice. Even if they just called it winter break, like they do at elementary schools for politically correct purposes, I still think it means the same thing. You can hate commercialism, but you can't hate that it allows time for family to be together and gives children time off school and adults time off work for a good reason, to be with family. Even if the Christmas name is misleading and the gift giving often leads to lighter wallets.

Happy Non-Denominational Christmas! Yay for rambling posts!

Bloc Party - Flux

I bought a new car today, one that turned out pricier than I was looking for. I guess it has been a learning experience. I was trying to avoid buying a car because all of the money I had saved up I had been saving for something grand and exciting and now that I have very little savings I feel exactly how I thought I would, tied down. Having monthly payments and having to work to make them, being in debt for the next 4 or 5 years gives me a mid-life crisis feeling. Signing the paperwork for my car didn't make me happy particularly. Don't get me wrong, I like my car and prior to signing the paperwork I definitely felt like it was the car that I liked the most of the cars I looked it, but afterwards, coming home, and looking at my savings and realizing I'll be owing $300 $350 whatever a month until I'm 28-29 years old makes me sad. It is definitely true that I don't like commitment but I also very much feel trapped by the debt. I feel like I've sacrificed a bit of my future today. Buyer's remorse? Maybe.

Radiohead - Reckoner

I'm getting ready to goto work and looking at Harrison Ford on the box cover of my Indiana Jones DVD set. What a cool guy. Which job am I getting ready for? I'm getting ready to go operate a ride at Disneyland. Its a job generally reserved for college kids and retired people, which I am neither. Is it normal to always feel like you're in a state of transition? Isn't there some point where you're supposed to feel like this is where you belong in that moment? Maybe its just me, but it feels like there are constantly decisions and choices to be made at every turn. Like recently I have to decide if I want to buy a car, used or new, cheap or expensive. Do I want to have monthly payments? Do I just want to buy a used car with the cash I have? If I have monthly payments, it means I'm stuck with them and it generally means I'm stuck financially. Then I have two jobs. I can't and don't want to quit my entry level job, but I don't want to commit at the well paying "adult" job because I don't enjoy anything about it (outside of the pay and wearing ties). Its like I always have one foot in and one foot out.

Kanye West - Everything I Am

At what age can a person really change? At what point in your life do you stop developing and you just are what you are? Is it never? Is it after you graduate college? When you turn 30? Behaviorally, when do people cease becoming a person and you just ARE a person?

I remember sometime late in high school or maybe it was early in college, someone told me or I read somewhere, or whatever, I came to the realization that people with low self-esteem didn't look up when they walked. Animals too, like dogs who were not confident drooped their heads down low most of the time as did humans. So being the fatty that I was with no self-esteem I made it a point to walk with my head up as much as possible. Not in that snooty way where I have to lower my glasses to grandma status on the bridge of my nose to see people, but just to where I look up while I'm walking. So tonight coming out of the gym I caught myself staring at the ground and I looked up. But I realized that by holding my head up high while walking was hardly a solution to the bigger problem. Treating the symptoms isn't actually treating the disease. It was like rearranging deck-chairs on the Titanic. I was, or better yet, I am, missing the big fucking picture.

Will I ever be able to be confident? Is it really about just taking the leap and jumping in? Like the more you do it the easier it gets? Do you really just act more confident and eventually you become it? Or do you work towards being the person you envision yourself to be and once you get there you'll be confident because you're confident in what you've made yourself into? Someone I know frequently says that you have to accept people for who they are and you can't try to change them. What if I want to change myself? Can I even do it? Is it because I lack the willpower? Or is it because I am who I am and I should just accept it? It seems rather disheartening if its true that we cannot change. So I refuse to believe that. But to illustrate the extent of my many issues:

Today at the gym I was looking at myself in the mirror, vain, I know, but I realized that I actually believe myself to be better looking when I'm working out. Like if I look at myself in the mirror at home before I leave my house or before I start work, sometimes I hate the way I look but when I'm at the gym, it doesn't matter how my hair looks or what clothes I'm wearing, I feel like I look better. And its not just my arms or my body, which may look slightly different because my muscles are in use (hopefully) at the gym, but I literally look at my face and see a better looking person. Its completely mental!

I think I need a 12-Step program for my life. Hello, My name is Jonathan Kuo and I've got serious self-esteem issues.

Also, I'm very very very excited about next Thursday night. I really want to read Harry Potter so badly, but at the same time I'm nervous too. But I think about a gajillion other people can relate. Then there is this little fear I have that at the release "party" that someone with friends in England or the east coast (where the book will be released first) will just drive by and yell out what happens. That would be the worst! It might be the first time a group of children got together to murder someone. Nobody is that mean, right?

Brett Dennen - Ain't No Reason

Its like I'm still stuck in last year. I was thinking about how my birthday is coming up (sort of) and how the 23rd year of my life has been going and I think since last August things have been going pretty well. I've had a lot of fun and I've done new things, met new people, but when it comes down to it, I'm almost in the exact same place that I was when another year passed in my life. I don't mean I'm physically in the same place, which I am, still living at home, but just everything. I am in the same place emotionally, career wise, and yeah, physically too.

Why do I care about it so much? I don't even want it. I mean I do, but thinking about it, I know that it wouldn't be what I am dreaming it would be. Why not try it? Because that would be absurd. Plus, I don't think enough time has passed even if I were going to do it.

Does anybody else find that the people they get along with best aren't the people that they are physically attracted to?

Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass

How come I only want things that other people want or things I can't have?

Tonight my mom and I were watching Conan O'Brien and he did some skit about the University of Illinois getting a new (more offensive) mascot than their previous one, the somewhat racist Native American Indian Chief Illiniwek. Anyways, Conan came up with something even more offensive and it was S&M Abe Lincoln. So theres this guy with S&M leather gear on, with a whip, a Abe Lincoln top hat and a Abe Lincoln beard/sideburns. He whips himself as he walks across the set in a playful manner as Conan looks appalled. I giggled my way through the joke, but I don't think my mom got it. So then when the joke ends, the camera zooms in on S&M Abe Lincoln's face and he has one of those red gag balls with the leather straps in his mouth like and my mom asks me, "Why does he have a ball in his mouth." I wasn't exactly sure how to explain this to her, so I didn't.

Then during the commercial, she asked me what I would do if I found out I was going to die soon. Like what would three things be that I would do if I knew it was all coming to an end. I stalled because I didn't know how to answer. Its like one of those questions that come out of a book. Live your life like its your last day or whatever. So I asked her how long do I have to live? 1 week? 1 month? 1 day? But really I was just avoiding answering since I didn't really have a good answer. But I considered it seriously and I don't know what I would have to do. My mom suggested that I would go back to Rome and I think if I had a month, I would love to go back for a few days. But I don't know if there is anything I would regret not doing. One of the things I would want to do is take some kids to Disneyland and play with them all day. Honestly, I absolutely love it when kids get to see and experience things for the first time, so it wouldn't even have to be Disneyland. Its like that magical age when they're 4 or 5 before they are jaded by other children from school and still young enough to believe that they are meeting a princess or Mickey Mouse. I would love to be a part of that, it makes me feel good.

Another thing I would want to do is tell everybody I know how I really feel about them. Not in a bad way, but I'd love to get everybody together and just talk to them about how much they've meant to me and how I wish them well. It'd be like having a pre-funeral party. At funeral's people talk about how much a person has meant to them but I think I'd want to tell everybody how I feel about them before I die. Why don't I do this all the time you say? I don't know, it seems like it'd be really weird. There's a line that people usually don't cross in terms of expressing feelings unless circumstances warrant, and those usually include being drunk, very late nights, serious serious conversations in Denny's parking lots and in this case, pending death.

I wonder how does one overcome the influence of the relationship parents have with each other and duplicating it in their own life? On Loveline, they always talk about how people seek out relationships similar to those had by their parents and relationships that the child has with the parent, can this be avoided somehow?

Also, I posted something that I had written a while back. I think it is one of those things that I would reveal if I were dying, because it contains serious feelings and stuff. Its a few posts back if you're interested.

Bloc Party - Banquet

Do you ever have this feeling where you want to record what you're feeling and seeing and hearing because you know you won't be able to accurately replay it in your mind? Like you'll lose the feeling because so much amazing stuff is happening? Well that happened tonight. I went to go see This American Life live at UCLA and it was stupendous. It was amazing. I laughed, I "awwwww"ed, I cheered, I found a new appreciation for The OC, yes, the television show. OK Go was there, they were pretty awesome too.

Ira Glass, the host, well, I'll just say when it started off, it wasn't what I expected. I've been listening to this radio program for some time now, on and off. I did listen to it quite a bit and then I'd not listen, but now with the podcast I listen every week. But its weird to see a radio personality in person. I don't know if I could equate this to any other situation. The only other person's voice who I've listened to this much is Vin Scully but I know what he looks like. I've never really had to imagine what he looks like talking. I'm very familiar with his face and his mannerisms. I can imagine Vin telling me a story when I hear his radio broadcasts. (Speaking of which, I've sorely missed Dodger baseball and the sound of Vin's voice, so I'm glad the season will start shortly.) But with Ira Glass, I've never really put a face to his voice. I'd seen his picture before, on the website, but its a black and white close up and fairly small, and I've never had a crush on him so I haven't made it a point to find more pictures of him, I simply loved his radio program a lot. To hear and see at the same time, this guy who I've "known" for so long, its surreal. Like I felt like I should close my eyes because I've never had his voice associated with a visual stimulant too. But the way he talks, its even cooler in person, if thats possible or makes any sort of sense. I appreciate his talking even more, now that I've seen him ... talking.

This American Life is an amazing show. If I had simply heard this episode on a podcast or on KCRW it wouldn't have been my favorite but even still, this one was awesome. John Hodgman was hilarious. Every show of TAL is excellent and I like to think most people can appreciate it, so go listen. Free podcasts, absolutely free.

I love that these people who I admire appear to be so human, despite a whole room, a whole auditorium of people who are geeked out fans. Oh, and Jack Black was in attendance as well. Maybe he didn't feel as giddy over the whole thing. But to illustrate how exciting it is, another short story. After the show, a random lady, Nicola McGee, handed my friend (not a bitch, might I add) and I a white envelope with instructions to goto a reception after-party where we received free beer (yes) and both Ira Glass and John Hodgman were there. I know, amazing. But while we mustered up the courage to talk to them, all I could do was think, "I want to tell Ira that I love The OC too, and his public love for it vindicated my love for that show!" But when I got there, all I could do was get an autograph. He seemed like the coolest guy ever, and I still couldn't talk to him. And my conversation consisted of "Yes, my name is spelled J-O-N-A-T-H-A-N... Well, some people do spell it with an 'O' but they're weird." Augh! And I didn't even get a picture. But with John Hodgman, I got a picture and he spelled my name right, and he was really nice too! There was some debate between the two of us as to whether or not he would want to be approached by crazed fans. (Part of his segment was about his new found fame from being on the Apple Computer ads and how he never got recognized before and now he wishes he were.) So this evening was simply fabulous.

Also, I've recently decided I will travel across country by some combination of bus and train later this year. Details to follow, as warranted.

Oscar Peterson - Tea For Two

I wasn't sure how to rank it, but I just had like one of the best nights ever in my life. But I'll have to talk about it some other night.

Just to clarify, since it might not have been clear, since I probably am so popular that I might have multiple best friends named Christine, the Christine I refer to in the last post is this one: http://www.shutupchristine.blogspot.com/ :D (I don't have other best friends named Christine. Sarcasm is the coolest.) If you want to read nice things about me, read her last two blogs. It doesn't happen often that I get nice things written about me for all to read (unless I'm writing them) so read up!

Since getting this new job of mine, people have been asking me why I don't do that one full time since the pay is better and I would work normal people hours instead of Disney hours. My answer to that is I very much like working for Disney and the people are generally very rad (as in radical). I think if I worked an office job only, I think that I would have fewer friends because the people that I talk to daily wouldn't have to talk to me any longer because I don't see them as often, or ever. Work friends are weird like that. You're friends because you work together, but when circumstances don't force you together, do you make an effort to see them? Or does the friendship just fade? Why do I have to think up shit like this?

But heres a list of some stuff (other than Christine's posts) that make me happy:

- Girl Scouts are delicious! Er... Girl Scouts bring deliciousness! Er.... I love thin mints.
- Dodger tickets went on sale and this season is looking very promising. I have bought a few games' worth, but I know you're just dying to come cheer for the Dodgers with me. So lets go!

Okay, well that was the list.

Mos Def - Katrina Clap