Tonight my mom and I were watching Conan O'Brien and he did some skit about the University of Illinois getting a new (more offensive) mascot than their previous one, the somewhat racist Native American Indian Chief Illiniwek. Anyways, Conan came up with something even more offensive and it was S&M Abe Lincoln. So theres this guy with S&M leather gear on, with a whip, a Abe Lincoln top hat and a Abe Lincoln beard/sideburns. He whips himself as he walks across the set in a playful manner as Conan looks appalled. I giggled my way through the joke, but I don't think my mom got it. So then when the joke ends, the camera zooms in on S&M Abe Lincoln's face and he has one of those red gag balls with the leather straps in his mouth like and my mom asks me, "Why does he have a ball in his mouth." I wasn't exactly sure how to explain this to her, so I didn't.

Then during the commercial, she asked me what I would do if I found out I was going to die soon. Like what would three things be that I would do if I knew it was all coming to an end. I stalled because I didn't know how to answer. Its like one of those questions that come out of a book. Live your life like its your last day or whatever. So I asked her how long do I have to live? 1 week? 1 month? 1 day? But really I was just avoiding answering since I didn't really have a good answer. But I considered it seriously and I don't know what I would have to do. My mom suggested that I would go back to Rome and I think if I had a month, I would love to go back for a few days. But I don't know if there is anything I would regret not doing. One of the things I would want to do is take some kids to Disneyland and play with them all day. Honestly, I absolutely love it when kids get to see and experience things for the first time, so it wouldn't even have to be Disneyland. Its like that magical age when they're 4 or 5 before they are jaded by other children from school and still young enough to believe that they are meeting a princess or Mickey Mouse. I would love to be a part of that, it makes me feel good.

Another thing I would want to do is tell everybody I know how I really feel about them. Not in a bad way, but I'd love to get everybody together and just talk to them about how much they've meant to me and how I wish them well. It'd be like having a pre-funeral party. At funeral's people talk about how much a person has meant to them but I think I'd want to tell everybody how I feel about them before I die. Why don't I do this all the time you say? I don't know, it seems like it'd be really weird. There's a line that people usually don't cross in terms of expressing feelings unless circumstances warrant, and those usually include being drunk, very late nights, serious serious conversations in Denny's parking lots and in this case, pending death.

I wonder how does one overcome the influence of the relationship parents have with each other and duplicating it in their own life? On Loveline, they always talk about how people seek out relationships similar to those had by their parents and relationships that the child has with the parent, can this be avoided somehow?

Also, I posted something that I had written a while back. I think it is one of those things that I would reveal if I were dying, because it contains serious feelings and stuff. Its a few posts back if you're interested.

Bloc Party - Banquet