Christmas time. Its a time for family and for showing the ones you care about that you care about them by giving them things. I'm very confused. Nobody in my family goes to church, no one is particularly religious, except for my aunt and my mom, who are what can best be generalized as Buddhist. So why do we exchange gifts every year amongst the family members? When I was a kid I can't recall think about this because I only cared about getting gifts and playing with my cousins. But now that I'm grown and the adults no longer shower the "children," who are mostly college graduates now, with gifts. This year all the parents, mine and my aunts/uncles all decided the "kids" don't need gifts or money from them any more and we bought each other gifts instead. This made me realize the holiday, for my extended family, is an odd thing. Its like we celebrate it because we live in America and the holiday here is such a part of the culture. My cousins and myself are all the first generation of kids born here in the United States and perhaps celebrating this holiday was a way for the family to help us meld into our dual lives that we live.

I can remember my mom used to buy tickets for the family to goto this church performance of the story of Christmas at Crystal Cathedral. It was a really nice one with flying angels and everything, and perhaps she just enjoyed the production values, but mixing that with the non-denominational nature of my family seems odd. But I've even been to a Christian summer camp as well as Buddhist ones (the Christian ones were more fun, archery is infinitely more exciting than chanting). I suppose this lends to explain why I do have exposure to many different cultures and people and why I feel I'm generally accepting of everyone but I also think that it has played a part in my lack of a social identity. America is indeed a melting pot, but I don't know how well I've mixed in. Like in the recipe of America's melting pot, I'm one of those ingredients that fits in and enhances the soup but really doesn't belong? No, that was a horrible analogy. I got a better one, I'm like the crust that forms on the top of the soup, I fit in but I'm still sort of on the outside of the soup. Enjoyable, but not a necessity. Wow, that was an amazing analogy, I win!

I think Christmas, although it is the celebration of the life and birth of Christ, it has definitely evolved into something else in this day and age. Obviously the commercialism of the gift giving is a something entire books have been written for, the fact that it represents a happy time for children and time for family to get together still means something nice. Even if they just called it winter break, like they do at elementary schools for politically correct purposes, I still think it means the same thing. You can hate commercialism, but you can't hate that it allows time for family to be together and gives children time off school and adults time off work for a good reason, to be with family. Even if the Christmas name is misleading and the gift giving often leads to lighter wallets.

Happy Non-Denominational Christmas! Yay for rambling posts!

Bloc Party - Flux

I bought a new car today, one that turned out pricier than I was looking for. I guess it has been a learning experience. I was trying to avoid buying a car because all of the money I had saved up I had been saving for something grand and exciting and now that I have very little savings I feel exactly how I thought I would, tied down. Having monthly payments and having to work to make them, being in debt for the next 4 or 5 years gives me a mid-life crisis feeling. Signing the paperwork for my car didn't make me happy particularly. Don't get me wrong, I like my car and prior to signing the paperwork I definitely felt like it was the car that I liked the most of the cars I looked it, but afterwards, coming home, and looking at my savings and realizing I'll be owing $300 $350 whatever a month until I'm 28-29 years old makes me sad. It is definitely true that I don't like commitment but I also very much feel trapped by the debt. I feel like I've sacrificed a bit of my future today. Buyer's remorse? Maybe.

Radiohead - Reckoner

I'm getting ready to goto work and looking at Harrison Ford on the box cover of my Indiana Jones DVD set. What a cool guy. Which job am I getting ready for? I'm getting ready to go operate a ride at Disneyland. Its a job generally reserved for college kids and retired people, which I am neither. Is it normal to always feel like you're in a state of transition? Isn't there some point where you're supposed to feel like this is where you belong in that moment? Maybe its just me, but it feels like there are constantly decisions and choices to be made at every turn. Like recently I have to decide if I want to buy a car, used or new, cheap or expensive. Do I want to have monthly payments? Do I just want to buy a used car with the cash I have? If I have monthly payments, it means I'm stuck with them and it generally means I'm stuck financially. Then I have two jobs. I can't and don't want to quit my entry level job, but I don't want to commit at the well paying "adult" job because I don't enjoy anything about it (outside of the pay and wearing ties). Its like I always have one foot in and one foot out.

Kanye West - Everything I Am

At what age can a person really change? At what point in your life do you stop developing and you just are what you are? Is it never? Is it after you graduate college? When you turn 30? Behaviorally, when do people cease becoming a person and you just ARE a person?

I remember sometime late in high school or maybe it was early in college, someone told me or I read somewhere, or whatever, I came to the realization that people with low self-esteem didn't look up when they walked. Animals too, like dogs who were not confident drooped their heads down low most of the time as did humans. So being the fatty that I was with no self-esteem I made it a point to walk with my head up as much as possible. Not in that snooty way where I have to lower my glasses to grandma status on the bridge of my nose to see people, but just to where I look up while I'm walking. So tonight coming out of the gym I caught myself staring at the ground and I looked up. But I realized that by holding my head up high while walking was hardly a solution to the bigger problem. Treating the symptoms isn't actually treating the disease. It was like rearranging deck-chairs on the Titanic. I was, or better yet, I am, missing the big fucking picture.

Will I ever be able to be confident? Is it really about just taking the leap and jumping in? Like the more you do it the easier it gets? Do you really just act more confident and eventually you become it? Or do you work towards being the person you envision yourself to be and once you get there you'll be confident because you're confident in what you've made yourself into? Someone I know frequently says that you have to accept people for who they are and you can't try to change them. What if I want to change myself? Can I even do it? Is it because I lack the willpower? Or is it because I am who I am and I should just accept it? It seems rather disheartening if its true that we cannot change. So I refuse to believe that. But to illustrate the extent of my many issues:

Today at the gym I was looking at myself in the mirror, vain, I know, but I realized that I actually believe myself to be better looking when I'm working out. Like if I look at myself in the mirror at home before I leave my house or before I start work, sometimes I hate the way I look but when I'm at the gym, it doesn't matter how my hair looks or what clothes I'm wearing, I feel like I look better. And its not just my arms or my body, which may look slightly different because my muscles are in use (hopefully) at the gym, but I literally look at my face and see a better looking person. Its completely mental!

I think I need a 12-Step program for my life. Hello, My name is Jonathan Kuo and I've got serious self-esteem issues.

Also, I'm very very very excited about next Thursday night. I really want to read Harry Potter so badly, but at the same time I'm nervous too. But I think about a gajillion other people can relate. Then there is this little fear I have that at the release "party" that someone with friends in England or the east coast (where the book will be released first) will just drive by and yell out what happens. That would be the worst! It might be the first time a group of children got together to murder someone. Nobody is that mean, right?

Brett Dennen - Ain't No Reason

Its like I'm still stuck in last year. I was thinking about how my birthday is coming up (sort of) and how the 23rd year of my life has been going and I think since last August things have been going pretty well. I've had a lot of fun and I've done new things, met new people, but when it comes down to it, I'm almost in the exact same place that I was when another year passed in my life. I don't mean I'm physically in the same place, which I am, still living at home, but just everything. I am in the same place emotionally, career wise, and yeah, physically too.

Why do I care about it so much? I don't even want it. I mean I do, but thinking about it, I know that it wouldn't be what I am dreaming it would be. Why not try it? Because that would be absurd. Plus, I don't think enough time has passed even if I were going to do it.

Does anybody else find that the people they get along with best aren't the people that they are physically attracted to?

Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass