During the summer of 5th grade I went to summer camp in Idyllwild. The camp was called ISOMATA and it was like a arts summer camp. I took a poetry class and it was fun. I remember curse words were especially hilarious that summer. I sold a copy of my TLC cassette tape single of Waterfalls for spending money because people had brought their walkmans but didn't realize that radio reception in the mountains was poor.

That summer I met a girl named Diana, she was Japanese, I think, but she was dating some kid named William, who was in whatever program she was participating in, I think it was a dance one. Towards the end of the two weeks, there was a "dance" and she was very sad at the "dance" because William was somewhat of a jerk. And I asked her why she was dating him and she said something like because he asked her out.

On the last day of camp, everybody had a presentation of their projects or musical recital or dance show for the parents who were driving up to pick up their kids. Diana and some other kids from my camp came to watch me recite my poem. Then afterwards, watching another friends' performance, sitting on a giant rock, I had my first real, serious, conversation with a girl. I can't remember what we talked about, but I think I asked her about her family and how it felt to be Japanese and Caucasian since I didn't have that experience in my life. I'm pretty sure I loved her, after one conversation. I was 11.

After I got home from the camp, I realized I didn't have her phone number or address. And when I got my pictures developed, I didn't even have one of those. The best I had was a picture of her in the background, in the shadows, that my father took of me during my poem presentation. Other students had to sit on the side of the stage so the parents could get center seating and Diana was barely in the background. So in order to find her, I did what I thought would be best. I wrote a letter to the summer camp director asking if they could give me the address even though I knew it was against the law to give out something like that. I promised in the letter that I was really her friend at camp and I wrote about how I knew her from the camp and I gave them all of my information too so they could double check to make sure I really had been a camp participant. I got no response.

Death Cab for Cutie - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

I'm sure everybody goes through this, but can I help it if I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. It feels as though I don't even know how to make or keep friends much less anything more significant than that. I think I'm afraid of being judged on one hand, but then on the other hand, by trusting people, I feel like I'm simply wasting their time because they have better things to do. I very much feel like I've missed out on having a person unconditionally love me, outside of my parents, whom I don't really relate to.

I was going back through my old Christmas posts and the 2004 December post was right before I left for Italy and I wasn't sure if I was going to get a leave of absence, which I did get eventually. I know its not good to think about What Ifs, but I very much wonder what would've become of me had I been forced to quit working at Disneyland at that point.

I think I realized this about myself a long time ago, but I never wanted to admit it. I think I am afraid of success. "Do I fear success because if somehow I reach my goal and I'm still unhappy I'll feel even worse? Getting a six pack is something I want, but I avoid it. By having one, does it mean I'll have one less thing I can blame in my life?"

The other day at the gym I was shooting hoops and for some reason it dawned on me. Like somewhere in my mind, it yelled out to me "You can do anything you set your mind to!" And I got completely psyched up. I completely believed in myself. Its like somewhere I got this super powerful belief in my own abilities to do anything I wanted to. I know I hear this everywhere I go, and kids get told this all the time, but for 15 minutes I really believed it. I guess I've always known I'm capable of anything. Like if I can lose weight and keep a job for 3 years why can't I do anything I want to? It was one of those moments where it was like everything in the universe aligns and anything is possible. Unfortunately, I wasted it alone, shooting free throws, trying to prove my theory by making as many in a row as I could. The moment has since passed. But I still feel the residual effects I think. I think I've been gradually easing towards this realization of my own ablities. Something that people are born with or quickly discover has taken me 23 years to begin to figure out. I should have confidence in my own abilities.

Wednesday night I went to Knott's Scary Farm. I forgot how much fun Ghost Rider is. That ride is insanity. We waited over an hour in line for it and it was worth it all. I haven't waited that long for a ride at Disneyland in a LONG time but man was Ghost Rider fun. Knott's was quite fun. But it makes me a bit sad. I totally wanted to be scared but I was only scared once. I hate to sound dramatic, but I wanted to be scared so I could really feel something. I realize that sounds like I'm emotionally dead inside and I can't experience the world, but what I mean is I'm so jaded and desensitized and I'm always watching out and trying to keep myself level that I don't even let myself get scared. I guess the monsters try to scare girls more often than guys to heighten the evening because girls scream louder and they hug the guys which makes everybody happy but I sort of wanted to be scared too. When I went to Knotts, back when I was younger, I was too chicken to get into the fun of being scared and I always tried to outsmart the monsters by peeking around corners and I didn't realize that getting scared WAS the point. But having to be a tough guy I pretended not to be affected by their creepy costumes and snarling noises. I was only scared once this time around and the rest of the time I wandered the mazes, jumping when monsters scared those around me, trying to get into the moment without REALLY being scared. But spending time with people is good too and I'm glad I did that. Plus, it was free for me, so I can't complain too much.

So today I was watching My Super Sweet Sixteen and this show usually is entertainingly apalling in the spoiledness of the kids. Like they're born into luxury and they're insane in what they want. But then an episode today had a girl who was in foster care for the first 14 years of her life and she'd never had a birthday party before and I thought "Wow, its good that they picked a girl that deserves it." And I really wanted to like her because it was like she deserved it, she still turned out to be a giant brat. I don't know if its because MTV wanted to show that angle but you could tell she wasn't supre crazy like some of the kids on the show. They started the episode out with her going back to her old foster home and it was pretty shoddy and I thought MTV was trying to make it a nice story about her deserving an elaborate party since she was a nice girl. But then it just went back into the formula of showing off her outrageous demands and petty squabbles with her friends. But her parents seemed really happy. And I wonder about that. Do adoptive parents adopt kids because the kids deserve to have a better life? Or do they do it because they feel its their way of giving back and it fulfills some need in their life and it makes them happy? I wanted to adopt a dog a long while back (and I still do) and I definately want to because I somehow think a dog will be a companion that I can't seem to find in another person (at least not yet). But I want to adopt one, as opposed to buying one because the dogs at the shelter deserve homes as much, and maybe moreso than dogs they breed to sell. Right?

Jeremy Kay - Have It All

My new work is starting. I'll be working at the new store, Disney's Vault 28. It'll be a trendy upscale fashion store. I get to wear clothes that are picked out for me. I have a Monday/Saturday outfit and I'm guessing my outfits are all planned out for the rest of the week too. I very much like what I've worn so far, despite the boy band qualities they give me. Who doesn't love N'Sync anyways. I'm excited because its work with new people, new location. Change isn't so bad, once you're past the period of adjustment and I think I'm past that now. Hooray for new friends? I hope so.

What I'm worried about is that I shouldn't be excited about a job like this. I should be worrying about my "future" especially now that I've taken a step to leave the place that was so difficult to walk away from. How do people know what they want to do? How come I don't know? I think since I was a child I've been told what to do. Or there was an expectation. Like going to school, doing homework, applying for college, etc. But then once you graduate or once you're in college you're supposed to find your own way, but without guidelines I've lost my way and I don't know how to, or don't want to discover what it is I want to do.

In other news, stupid Dodgers got stupid swept by the stupid Mets. I hate baseball. Ha. Nah. But I think its absurd how unclutch the Dodgers are. Hardly anybody stepped up to help the team. Greg Maddux? Way to save the season. Mark Hendrickson was the best pitcher we had in the playoffs so thats pretty damned sad. I guess its good that basketball season starts in less than a month.

Oh yeah. And happy Columbus discovering the new world day! Did you know he is Italian? Although the Spanish funded his voyages. He tried to find India and failed 3 times. Then in 1499 Vasco de Gama sailed around Africa and beat him there, sailing for the Portuguese.

Rascal Flatts - Then I Did

Today I ran in Nike's RunHitRemix. I watched De La Soul, Vanilla Ice, Digital Underground and other groups play as I ran 5 miles. It was fun and despite having to wake up at 6 AM I enjoyed it a lot. I also love getting free stuff at the end of the run. I ate so many free nutrition bars and I drank like 4 or 5 mini Jamba Juices. Then I ate some seafood. Actually, it was a lot of seafood. I think I need to go to more exercise events and I need to eat at new restaurants more often.

I realized something weird the other day. After leaving the place I've been working for 3 years I wasn't extremely sad, although I definately do miss people. But then on Sunday night, after my first shift out of the area, I was watching Extreme Makeover, Home Edition and in the episode Ty builds this house for some deserving family, like always, and I got really emotional watching that. What the heck is that? I leave my friends of the last 3 years and I hardly feel anything but watching 1 hour of Ty Pennington show a blind and deaf family their new home makes me sad and emotional? Jeez. Anyways, I don't know if its good that I am emotionally detached from my own life or if its good that I can empathize with a family on television getting something they really deserve.

John Mayer - Gravity