The other day at the gym I was shooting hoops and for some reason it dawned on me. Like somewhere in my mind, it yelled out to me "You can do anything you set your mind to!" And I got completely psyched up. I completely believed in myself. Its like somewhere I got this super powerful belief in my own abilities to do anything I wanted to. I know I hear this everywhere I go, and kids get told this all the time, but for 15 minutes I really believed it. I guess I've always known I'm capable of anything. Like if I can lose weight and keep a job for 3 years why can't I do anything I want to? It was one of those moments where it was like everything in the universe aligns and anything is possible. Unfortunately, I wasted it alone, shooting free throws, trying to prove my theory by making as many in a row as I could. The moment has since passed. But I still feel the residual effects I think. I think I've been gradually easing towards this realization of my own ablities. Something that people are born with or quickly discover has taken me 23 years to begin to figure out. I should have confidence in my own abilities.

Wednesday night I went to Knott's Scary Farm. I forgot how much fun Ghost Rider is. That ride is insanity. We waited over an hour in line for it and it was worth it all. I haven't waited that long for a ride at Disneyland in a LONG time but man was Ghost Rider fun. Knott's was quite fun. But it makes me a bit sad. I totally wanted to be scared but I was only scared once. I hate to sound dramatic, but I wanted to be scared so I could really feel something. I realize that sounds like I'm emotionally dead inside and I can't experience the world, but what I mean is I'm so jaded and desensitized and I'm always watching out and trying to keep myself level that I don't even let myself get scared. I guess the monsters try to scare girls more often than guys to heighten the evening because girls scream louder and they hug the guys which makes everybody happy but I sort of wanted to be scared too. When I went to Knotts, back when I was younger, I was too chicken to get into the fun of being scared and I always tried to outsmart the monsters by peeking around corners and I didn't realize that getting scared WAS the point. But having to be a tough guy I pretended not to be affected by their creepy costumes and snarling noises. I was only scared once this time around and the rest of the time I wandered the mazes, jumping when monsters scared those around me, trying to get into the moment without REALLY being scared. But spending time with people is good too and I'm glad I did that. Plus, it was free for me, so I can't complain too much.

So today I was watching My Super Sweet Sixteen and this show usually is entertainingly apalling in the spoiledness of the kids. Like they're born into luxury and they're insane in what they want. But then an episode today had a girl who was in foster care for the first 14 years of her life and she'd never had a birthday party before and I thought "Wow, its good that they picked a girl that deserves it." And I really wanted to like her because it was like she deserved it, she still turned out to be a giant brat. I don't know if its because MTV wanted to show that angle but you could tell she wasn't supre crazy like some of the kids on the show. They started the episode out with her going back to her old foster home and it was pretty shoddy and I thought MTV was trying to make it a nice story about her deserving an elaborate party since she was a nice girl. But then it just went back into the formula of showing off her outrageous demands and petty squabbles with her friends. But her parents seemed really happy. And I wonder about that. Do adoptive parents adopt kids because the kids deserve to have a better life? Or do they do it because they feel its their way of giving back and it fulfills some need in their life and it makes them happy? I wanted to adopt a dog a long while back (and I still do) and I definately want to because I somehow think a dog will be a companion that I can't seem to find in another person (at least not yet). But I want to adopt one, as opposed to buying one because the dogs at the shelter deserve homes as much, and maybe moreso than dogs they breed to sell. Right?

Jeremy Kay - Have It All

My new work is starting. I'll be working at the new store, Disney's Vault 28. It'll be a trendy upscale fashion store. I get to wear clothes that are picked out for me. I have a Monday/Saturday outfit and I'm guessing my outfits are all planned out for the rest of the week too. I very much like what I've worn so far, despite the boy band qualities they give me. Who doesn't love N'Sync anyways. I'm excited because its work with new people, new location. Change isn't so bad, once you're past the period of adjustment and I think I'm past that now. Hooray for new friends? I hope so.

What I'm worried about is that I shouldn't be excited about a job like this. I should be worrying about my "future" especially now that I've taken a step to leave the place that was so difficult to walk away from. How do people know what they want to do? How come I don't know? I think since I was a child I've been told what to do. Or there was an expectation. Like going to school, doing homework, applying for college, etc. But then once you graduate or once you're in college you're supposed to find your own way, but without guidelines I've lost my way and I don't know how to, or don't want to discover what it is I want to do.

In other news, stupid Dodgers got stupid swept by the stupid Mets. I hate baseball. Ha. Nah. But I think its absurd how unclutch the Dodgers are. Hardly anybody stepped up to help the team. Greg Maddux? Way to save the season. Mark Hendrickson was the best pitcher we had in the playoffs so thats pretty damned sad. I guess its good that basketball season starts in less than a month.

Oh yeah. And happy Columbus discovering the new world day! Did you know he is Italian? Although the Spanish funded his voyages. He tried to find India and failed 3 times. Then in 1499 Vasco de Gama sailed around Africa and beat him there, sailing for the Portuguese.

Rascal Flatts - Then I Did

Today I ran in Nike's RunHitRemix. I watched De La Soul, Vanilla Ice, Digital Underground and other groups play as I ran 5 miles. It was fun and despite having to wake up at 6 AM I enjoyed it a lot. I also love getting free stuff at the end of the run. I ate so many free nutrition bars and I drank like 4 or 5 mini Jamba Juices. Then I ate some seafood. Actually, it was a lot of seafood. I think I need to go to more exercise events and I need to eat at new restaurants more often.

I realized something weird the other day. After leaving the place I've been working for 3 years I wasn't extremely sad, although I definately do miss people. But then on Sunday night, after my first shift out of the area, I was watching Extreme Makeover, Home Edition and in the episode Ty builds this house for some deserving family, like always, and I got really emotional watching that. What the heck is that? I leave my friends of the last 3 years and I hardly feel anything but watching 1 hour of Ty Pennington show a blind and deaf family their new home makes me sad and emotional? Jeez. Anyways, I don't know if its good that I am emotionally detached from my own life or if its good that I can empathize with a family on television getting something they really deserve.

John Mayer - Gravity

Recently I got worried that my friendships were fading away from me because I was spending less time with people. And now I'm moving to a new location I don't know how to feel. Leaving isn't easy. The only thing I can equate this to is leaving high school, except this time I'm the only person leaving and other people are staying. Graduating from college was different simply because I wasn't involved in the every day lives of a lot of people, not like my work is now, where I see people 3 or 4 times a week. When people quit I tell them things like "I hope you do good at..." and "Call me, we'll myspace" or whatever, but I only say that because I don't want to say "Have a good life" even though that is probably what it comes down to. Most people who quit, I won't talk to again. So why does it matter to me now that I'm the one leaving and people aren't more sad that I'm leaving when I wasn't all that sad when others left? It feels good to be missed and wanted I think. Leaving high school was different because everybody was leaving in one way or another for new beginnings, but for me, leaving Paradise Pier means I'm the only one and as much as I don't want to admit it, the people that I've known for the past three years will simply move on, just like I did after others I've known have quit or gone other places.

I think my feelings are somewhat exacerbated by the past two or three months during which I made some extremely stupid mistakes, friendship wise. And my leaving will only continue to push me further away from people with whom I've spent so much time with the last three years of my life. I hate that my leaving becomes a litmus test of my friendships with people. But maybe it becomes a test for me too, to see who I truly value as a friend. Friendship is a two way street, or some stupid analogy like that. I think that I'm willing to make an effort so hopefully others are too. But regardless, I'm glad that I spent the past three years with everyone and I've had a ton of fun and I wish everyone the best.

"Before you can say you can't at all
There's no excuse this time don't be afraid to fly
You never know what day the doors will close
It's time to say goodbye time to pack up and ride
Got to leave this place it's been cool but I gotta go"

Outkast f/ Sleepy Brown & Scar - The Train

Birthday post! I'm 23 now. That just sounds old. But then I totally don't feel old at all. Like at heart I still feel like a young person, but I know 23 is that point where I should be more of an adult than not. My birthday went well. The night before I saw Adrian Brody. Man his nose is big in real life too. Maybe even bigger than I could imagine. Then the next day, my birthday, I went to eat the best pastrami ever, at Langers deli, with my family. If you love pastrami, you should come with me sometime! My treat :) I would go there more often on my own, but its in LA so its not worth it unless someone comes with me. And I say this as a real invite because I've realized its important to spend time with people who want to spend time with me. I only got a few gifts for my birthday, which is fine with me and I'm thankful for the ones I got. But I really liked getting texts throughout the day, starting with the ones I got in the middle of the night. Then checking myspace during the day and getting phone messages from people I haven't talked to in a while. I know it doesn't take but 30 seconds to send something like that but I really did enjoy it. It makes me feel loved. So in return, you guys should come with me to eat pastrami sometime. I want other people to know I'm happy to be your friend. So thanks, even if you don't take me up on my pastrami offer. Seriously though, best pastrami, ever.

I think one of my favorite things to do is sing songs in the car. Honestly, I really think I need to do this more often. I like doing it when I drive by myself, but I love it even more when its with somebody else. For me, because I am a little bit shy about belting it out and doing things that might be embarassing, I think its important for me to do this as much as possible, to simply get over my inhibitions. I know not everyone knows the lyrics to every song, but who cares!? Its about having fun. So another invite or maybe just a suggestion. Lets go somewhere! Anywhere! I'll drive, or you can drive if you want to! As long as we get to sing! But you gotta sing too! I promise, if I laugh at you, its because I'm having fun, not because you suck at singing. Rock songs are fun, N*Sync is always exciting and Disney music is the best. But I get to be Gaston if we sing Beauty and the Beast.

One more thing, SNAKES ON A PLANE! Go see it! It's a completely awful movie and I loved every second of it! Everything I hoped for and more!

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop Now if I could sing this song, then I'd really be awesome.