Look, I'm a little bit buzzed (the booze was free...) right now and maybe these thoughts aren't completely coherent, but I think I should write them down before I regain my inhibitions. I'm sorry that I'm acting the way I am. I don't know why I do it. I mean I do, because it feels like you've hurt me, but I don't like the way I've acted, its childish, but what can I say? I'm selfish and jealous. I would never act say these things sober (probably) because I am probably too reserved and shy, but honestly, it makes me jealous. I am an only child after all. I know its unfair but I feel like its unfair to me that you'd want to kiss other people and when I try anything at all you tell me "that'll make it harder" (no pun intended... well not initially, but it was pretty funny when I realized what I had said the other night about harder...). I can't stand that you say want to see me as much as possible but nothing else. Anyways, I'm sorry that I'm acting the way that I am and I hope you know that its because I care too much, not because I don't care, even though thats what I say aloud, sober.

What is it about people that makes them dislike change? I know I've pondered this before and I think it all boils down to the mortality and finality of it all. I mean all these questions people have about themselves, others, their lives, all it boils down to is "What does it all mean?"

People don't like change because it reminds them, either directly or subconsciously that in the end, nobody knows why things happen and that no matter what you do, it will all end. Life is all directed towards reaching immortality. By buying things I can somehow prolong my short existence and prove that I was here. The scuffs and wear on my shoes isn't just some fashion statement, its a reminder of the places I've walked, things I've seen, some sort of physical proof that I have done things with my time. By exercising and eating right, I can preserve the youth that I have and maybe extend it just a bit longer. When you're young, possibilities are still open, there is still life to be lived, but slowly, day by day, moment by moment, its a countdown towards coming to grips with the reality of the situation. I suppose it seems a bit depressing and maybe comforting in a sense, but the reality is that the world will continue no matter what you do, with or without you and in the end, because nothing lasts forever, you just have to let go. (I'm pretty sure I lifted that last part from Benjamin Button.)

So what does it boil down to? Religion seeks to answer that, but it feels like its just a way to avoid the grim reality of things. I hate that I'm not religious. I hate hate hate it. It would be so much easier to have some sort of blind faith in some man made answer that billions of people before me have put their trust into. Its comforting. If I knew that I had that answer, it frees me to live my life to the fullest and achieve things that I want knowing that is how its meant to be. But I cannot.

So where does that leave me? If it is hopeless and the banal, inescapable truth is that it will come to an uneventful ending, how do you cope with that? Doesn't accepting that mean you're now free to live life to the fullest and achieve things that you want knowing that is how you are meant to do it? Was that too cheesy a conclusion? Probably. But what other way is there?

I think I've realized this before and maybe I'm just reinforcing the lesson, but if its all going to come to an end, then all we have is in that moment, right? I know this isn't anything new but I suppose thats part of what its all about, realizing that experiencing as much as possible in what finite time we are allotted is where its at. This isn't one of the carpe diem things. Well, perhaps it is, in a manner of speaking, but what it really is, for me, is understanding that while nothing lasts forever, in each moment, it can. And in hopefully knowing that, maybe I can learn to experience and enjoy each moment without looking forward (or backwards) too much. Talk about cheesy.

I don't have any clue what I'm doing.

I've gotten myself into some conundrums recently. I feel like I'm on the verge of something, like I feel myself changing. Tonight I auditioned for a part in the flashback production this year and I enjoyed it. I realize that I'm 25 now, but its like I've only recently begun to live my life. In the past year and a half I've had more fun and experienced more about myself than I feel like I have ever before. And I don't know if its just tonight, but I sense that I'm going to be a very different person in a relatively short amount of time. It isn't inevitable or anything, but I just feel like I'm on the fence and I just need a push, either from an outside source or from myself even.

The biggest change I can point to, I guess, is that I've become more open and talkative. I've always had a problem sharing myself I think and this blog was an outlet, which is why I haven't written a whole lot, I haven't needed to. I thought I wasn't writing because I wasn't having any life experiences, but I sort of realized that its possible that I wasn't writing because I didn't need to. I was enjoying these life experiences with other people. I'm not even sure that makes sense as I write it.

But what I'm afraid of is that if I change too much, what I've learned about myself will no longer apply. Not long ago, it was brought to my attention that I have some small skill that encourages people to trust me and open up. I like that people trust me, but with these changes in me that I foresee in my future, I feel that I'll change and I'll know less about myself once again. Like its taken me this long to learn how little I know about myself and who I am, and man, has it been a long time, and just as soon as I think I've gotten a grip on things, here we go again.

Why is it that I fear change? Do I like where I am and I want to stay? Or is it because I'm not sure whats to come? Just when things are getting comfortable, y'know? Sigh. Here we go again.

How easy would things be if I could have all my conversations over the internet? I'd have time to think over my responses. I wouldn't have to deal with people's facial reactions or their reactions to my own. But I guess that's a complaint that our generation faces, the fact that we are growing further away from interpersonal communication skills as technology develops.

A few months ago, maybe even a year ago now, I was at the mall at the John Varvatos store. Anyways, I was by myself and...

So the part above this was a section of a story I was trying to put down but I started writing it 2 weeks ago and I couldn't bring myself to blogging it. I don't know why. Not that its a particularly difficult story or embarrassing, I just wasn't in a blogging mood. I only get in a blogging mood when I feel like I'm on the verge of some emotional breakthrough, good or bad. Anyways, the general gist of the story is that some store worker said "You don't really want to buy anything today" or something like that implying that I couldn't afford to buy anything and I said "Yeah I do" when in reality I was really just browsing. And I felt offended that he thought I couldn't afford stuff but I didn't say anything. And the moral of the story is I don't think I stand up enough for myself and speak my mind enough. Like if I feel I've been slighted in some way I won't come out and say anything about it. Maybe I'm just not a confrontational guy. But its odd because I'm plenty willing to tell someone something I KNOW is right, like a fact. Like if a child isn't tall enough I don't shy away from confronting the parents, but when it involves my own stuff, I can't do it.

The other point of the story is that I care way too much about what other people think of me. Or at least I used to. Like other's people's opinions of me mattered to me way too much. What does it matter if I can't afford a piece of clothing? I mean its the truth right? Like why not just be honest and up front? And not just about that, but about everything? And I think that since that happened to me, and I've definitely been working towards this in my interpersonal relationships, I need to stop caring about being judged and just "be myself" as people would say. And tonight I sort of feel that I am content being honest about who I am. But it doesn't feel like one of those epiphany moments though. I've felt those moments where you feel invicible, not in the physical Superman, faster than a speeding bullet sense, but emotionally, like a feeling that no matter what happens, I know everything will be alright sense. But in realizing that I don't really care too much about what people think about me, its not a happy sentiment for me, at least not in this moment.

It most certainly feels like another extension of my emotional detachment. I think that I have lived my life in a constantly un-confident and semi-depressed state that I don't know how to deal with myself as a person who is okay with who they are. Like I WANT to have some mental hangup in my psyche. It makes me feel like more of a person to be emotionally damaged. How fucked up is that?

This is a restart of my blog. Again.

Its been 10 months since I've written. And I come to realize that without the introspection of this blog, I really don't know anything about myself. And I've also seen how little I know about myself and how un-self aware I am. My friend Leo told me online one day that I am a good person and that I am always defending people and giving them excuses because I see the good in people. I didn't even know I did that. I suppose once he told it to me it became obvious, but without him pointing it out, it did not dawn upon me that I was that type of person. That night he told me that was like an epiphany for myself and I read one of my postsecret books and get all sorts of sappy like people get when reading emotional stuff like that. Then that night I realized how long it had been since I'd had a serious emotional moment, albeit that one was all by myself.

I feel emotionally detached, from everything. Like I'll talk about things going on in my life but I realize that I don't feel the emotion that I once did. Is it because I'm a more open person now? Somehow I doubt it. I feel like I'm more emotionally shutout than ever before. I suppose I should start from the beginning, at least the past few undocumented months.

A few months ago, I'm not even sure when, I began ignoring my mom. I know how despicable that sounds, and I agree, it is. Like I literally only gave her really short answers to questions and didn't really have any conversations of value with her. Not that my parents and I had a special relationship or anything to begin with. I'm not sure if I can adequately explain how that is without writing an essay, but suffice it to say, my background lends itself to little to no intimacy with my parents. But in the past few months I became something else completely, in relation to my mom. And I suspect that's when my current emotional haze began. But it wasn't until recently that I realized truly how far it has seeped into my current state of being.

To be fair to myself, I've been having a really good time the past few months at work and just hanging out. I fill my time working Jungle Cruise and Indiana Jones Adventure, something I very very much enjoy. At Jungle particularly, I feel like its something that I'm actually good at for the first time in my life. In the past I've worked on things and participated in stuff but was never anything special, and while there are many many many talented skippers at Jungle, I count myself in the upper echelon of the current skips. But enough jerking myself off.

Throughout this fun summer of Disney World trips and making new friends, I cannot recall a single unabashed, honest moment where I shared myself with someone else. I've been having a lot of exciting times and I don't regret anything, its just that I wish I were more in touch emotionally. Does that even make sense? Its like I've been a holding pattern as far as my intimate life goes, perhaps even taking steps backwards. The realization of this hit me just yesterday in fact. Prior to that I hadn't really thought much about it.

I was having a conversation that Leo would call a DMC (deep meaningful conversation) where two people just sit together and talk, but I didn't feel anything. I completely wanted to and intended to, but I didn't. Not awkward silences, not sexual tension, not boredom, nothing. And I guess if I had described a long talk with those attributes it would seem like a good talk, but it just didn't feel like it. And maybe it was just on my end, in which case I'd feel like even more of an ass for how it ended, but I thought I had been sharing myself but I just felt nothing emotionally. Like you get that welling up feeling in your chest when you start talking about stuff that really matters to you, and I just didn't have it. Like right now I can go and read grouphug.us online confessions of other people, strangers, with true emotional regrets and secrets and I can get the feeling almost to the point where I long to physically hug them, but when I think about my own life and problems, nada. Is that because I am a happier person now? Maybe. Or am I on a verge of some sort of breakdown? I long to have an emotional bond with someone but I just don't know how and of course not everyone is willing either.

But then earlier tonight, while watching Gossip Girl, the most stereotypcially vapid of all shows, it came to me. If I can't have a healthy relationship with my own mother at the age of 25, how can I hope to have one with anyone else? Christine, you were right. You warned me it was a bad idea to ignore her and now I see the light, at least a little bit. Leo says I'm a forgiving person who wants to see the good in people, so perhaps I need to do the same for my mother. And then maybe if that can happen I can have actual DMC's. I'm hopeful, I think. Maybe its more fun to be a part of what another friend of mine has aptly named the Sad Club, of which I am not an official member. Maybe because of my upbringing I'm more comfortable being a sad person and this new found emotional void isn't a void at all, instead its happiness and I just don't know how to deal with it. I need a hug. And a life.