This is a restart of my blog. Again.

Its been 10 months since I've written. And I come to realize that without the introspection of this blog, I really don't know anything about myself. And I've also seen how little I know about myself and how un-self aware I am. My friend Leo told me online one day that I am a good person and that I am always defending people and giving them excuses because I see the good in people. I didn't even know I did that. I suppose once he told it to me it became obvious, but without him pointing it out, it did not dawn upon me that I was that type of person. That night he told me that was like an epiphany for myself and I read one of my postsecret books and get all sorts of sappy like people get when reading emotional stuff like that. Then that night I realized how long it had been since I'd had a serious emotional moment, albeit that one was all by myself.

I feel emotionally detached, from everything. Like I'll talk about things going on in my life but I realize that I don't feel the emotion that I once did. Is it because I'm a more open person now? Somehow I doubt it. I feel like I'm more emotionally shutout than ever before. I suppose I should start from the beginning, at least the past few undocumented months.

A few months ago, I'm not even sure when, I began ignoring my mom. I know how despicable that sounds, and I agree, it is. Like I literally only gave her really short answers to questions and didn't really have any conversations of value with her. Not that my parents and I had a special relationship or anything to begin with. I'm not sure if I can adequately explain how that is without writing an essay, but suffice it to say, my background lends itself to little to no intimacy with my parents. But in the past few months I became something else completely, in relation to my mom. And I suspect that's when my current emotional haze began. But it wasn't until recently that I realized truly how far it has seeped into my current state of being.

To be fair to myself, I've been having a really good time the past few months at work and just hanging out. I fill my time working Jungle Cruise and Indiana Jones Adventure, something I very very much enjoy. At Jungle particularly, I feel like its something that I'm actually good at for the first time in my life. In the past I've worked on things and participated in stuff but was never anything special, and while there are many many many talented skippers at Jungle, I count myself in the upper echelon of the current skips. But enough jerking myself off.

Throughout this fun summer of Disney World trips and making new friends, I cannot recall a single unabashed, honest moment where I shared myself with someone else. I've been having a lot of exciting times and I don't regret anything, its just that I wish I were more in touch emotionally. Does that even make sense? Its like I've been a holding pattern as far as my intimate life goes, perhaps even taking steps backwards. The realization of this hit me just yesterday in fact. Prior to that I hadn't really thought much about it.

I was having a conversation that Leo would call a DMC (deep meaningful conversation) where two people just sit together and talk, but I didn't feel anything. I completely wanted to and intended to, but I didn't. Not awkward silences, not sexual tension, not boredom, nothing. And I guess if I had described a long talk with those attributes it would seem like a good talk, but it just didn't feel like it. And maybe it was just on my end, in which case I'd feel like even more of an ass for how it ended, but I thought I had been sharing myself but I just felt nothing emotionally. Like you get that welling up feeling in your chest when you start talking about stuff that really matters to you, and I just didn't have it. Like right now I can go and read grouphug.us online confessions of other people, strangers, with true emotional regrets and secrets and I can get the feeling almost to the point where I long to physically hug them, but when I think about my own life and problems, nada. Is that because I am a happier person now? Maybe. Or am I on a verge of some sort of breakdown? I long to have an emotional bond with someone but I just don't know how and of course not everyone is willing either.

But then earlier tonight, while watching Gossip Girl, the most stereotypcially vapid of all shows, it came to me. If I can't have a healthy relationship with my own mother at the age of 25, how can I hope to have one with anyone else? Christine, you were right. You warned me it was a bad idea to ignore her and now I see the light, at least a little bit. Leo says I'm a forgiving person who wants to see the good in people, so perhaps I need to do the same for my mother. And then maybe if that can happen I can have actual DMC's. I'm hopeful, I think. Maybe its more fun to be a part of what another friend of mine has aptly named the Sad Club, of which I am not an official member. Maybe because of my upbringing I'm more comfortable being a sad person and this new found emotional void isn't a void at all, instead its happiness and I just don't know how to deal with it. I need a hug. And a life.