"Do we, holding that gods exist, deceive ourselves with insubstantial dreams and lies, while random careless chance and change alone control the world?" -Euripides, Hecuba

*Sigh* Still no job for sorry Jonathan. Its sad really. I don't know what I've done wrong, they haven't even called me for an interview, and when I say "they" I mean Old Navy, Barnes & Noble, Macy's, etc. Now what this leads me to think is perhaps some power greater than me, such as karma, or possibly a god is intervening because of some past fault. Since my posts haven't been frequent, I'll make up with quality of posts. Quality, not quantity as they say.

You may be wondering what that quote above means, or perhaps you already know the direction in which this blog is headed. In either case, I'll continue on. In relation to the karma causing me not to get a job. If this the case, that would mean that something greater is controlling our destiny/fate. This of course gets into the whole religion idea which I'll touch on briefly from my point of view. Personally, I must say that I can't believe in God or any combination of gods/godesses just because of the mounting evidence against religion of any sort. I'm not saying people are wrong because who am I to say something like that, I can neither prove without a doubt either side, but its just a personal preference of course. And if you should want to argue this with me, I'm glad to, intelluctual conversation is always interesting.

While I don't believe in God or any other greater power, I often find myself thinking "Hmm... I downloaded some porn and I'm not 18, will there be reprecussions?" Or something along those lines. Or "Wow, no one's called me for an interview for a job, is it because I got drunk, beat some people up and stole a car?" You get the idea. And I think I ponder these things because while I don't believe in a God and/or karma, I sincerely hope that something like that exists or at least is never disproven because things like that provide stability, morals, and structure to our societies. But enough of that, I'm tired of writing. More soon.

*NSync - This I Promise You

I tried posting to Blogspot yesterday night, but it was down, so here I am again, at 4am in the morning. First off, I'd like to point out another blogspot/journal thing of my friend Jeff Min and this site mentions me in its first post stating that my blogspot was one of the better ones on the web. Thanks Jeff. And then he makes note of the fact that the song that I post at the end of each entry is annoying. Well, I figure it this way:

-People might want to know this information.
-Some people might want song suggestions for downloading.
-Etc. etc.
-Its better than that ugly, scary looking man you have on your site Jeff.

Anyways, on with the rest of the entry.

I had an epiphany recently, and it was something like this: We're always told by our parents (at least mine) that if we work hard enough, we will succeed and do well in life. And if we drive safely, we won't get into accidents. If we look both ways before crossing the street, yada yada. And while I'm sure that most everyone if asked about these things would say something along the lines of, "Sure, I know life isn't fair and we don't always get what we deserve," etc. But I don't think most people believe this. I've always heard this "Life isn't fair" stuff but I haven't really believed it. Most people live their lives believing that they are going to live another year, or be able to walk for another day, or have eyesight for another hour but in reality, I could be the target of a terrorist right as I'm typing this.

It was while watching reruns of Star Trek: Voyager, a show that I didn't particularly like, especially compared to the other Star Trek series, but have grown quite fond of. The rerun had a character have a personal saying (in Klingon, of course) translated into English meaning, "Own the day." This is akin to "Carpe Diem." At some point during this episode I realized that nothing in life is certain. Like I said before, I hear these things all around and from everyone, but I never believed in it until now. Perhaps I'm the only one who never really understood that life is unfair and nothing is certain. But at least now I'm with the masses.

Frank Sinatra - Luck Be a Lady

Well, for those of you reading, you can see that I've since graduated. Strangely enough, I don't think I've changed at all. I don't feel like I've changed. I feel pretty much the same. I thought I'd feel sad too, but none of that either, not too much anyways. I don't know why I don't feel sad. I talked about this before too. In the past, I was sad when the seniors left, particularly two years ago, but perhaps that was more of an emotional attachment to people than just graduating. This whole graduation thing, and moving on, for me, is very difficult because its having to move onto a new place. And I suppose thats life. But what I'm trying to say is that moving onto UC's or private college, or whereever people are headed, its a new place, somewhere we've never been. I realize that from elementary to middle school and then to high school are all transitions, but it wasn't the same because most of the people were following you, and it wasn't a sort of final goodbye. High school graduation is so final. I doubt I will see half of my high school class again, at least for 10 years. Or maybe next year at Homecoming. I've got to go right now, I'll finish this up tonight.

Blink 182 - Story of a Lonely Guy

I'M GRADUATING TODAY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snoop Dogg f/ Tony Toni Tone & Daz Dillinger - Midnight Love

It's true, you don't realize really what you got til it's gone
and I'm not, gonna sing another sad song, but
Sometimes I do sit and reminesce then
Think about the years I was raised, back in the days.

Back in the days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again

Ahmad - Back in the Day (remix)

Wow, I actually got a response to my "any thoughts" thing from my last post! Something about being a nice guy is always better than changing your personality for a girl to like you. So I guess I have an excuse to stay the same (or as nice as I am right now).

I'm still hunting for a job and whats really sad is that of all the applications I've submitted, only 1 place has replied, Mervyns. And all I got from them was a postcard saying they couldn't offer me a job, but you know what? I'd rather have a postcard than nothing at all. But eh, what can you do...

Now that high school is pretty much over for me, I've got some things on my mind now. I've been thinking a lot about this whole existence thing and life, religion, just everything in general, probably because I have tons of time on my hands now. And do you know what I've realized from all of my extensive thinking for these last few days and the time before this, is that ignorance is bliss. If I were able to just believe in God or Bhudda or some other religion blindly and not have second-doubts and believe in myself like I tell myself to without second-guessing myself life would be much easier. Ignorance is bliss, and that really sucks assmar for me, and for those who are ignorant because they don't know the truth of the matter, which is good in a way I suppose.

Coco Lee - A Love Before Time

You want to know what sucks? Well several things today actually... First of all, I went to my last Whitney dance ever, other than homecoming of course, or getting asked (however unlikely that is) back to a dance by a junior/soph whatever. At any rate, I didn't feel sad at all. I actually tried to feel sad, but I couldn't. Perhaps it was because I knew I was going to see them on Monday again, or Tuesday, or the rest of the next week and ignorance is bliss, so it would've been better for me to think this was the last time we'd ever see each other. But whats more likely is the fact that I don't have any real emotional attachment to these people in my class. Most of them anyway. I mean sure, I know everyone in the class, and I'm sure most, if not all, of the seniors know who I am, and I'm at the least aquaintances with most of them, and with some I'm friends, but what I realized is that I have no real emotional attachment to most of the seniors.

I attribute this to several things, or at least several possiblities. In the past, the Aloha Dance of 2 years ago for the class of 1999 I was very sad and for some reason I felt hurt and now I've made myself immune to this leaving thing. Or is it perhaps I've saved up all my emotion for graduation, junior/senior letter day, and events like that. Or I could just be a heartless, unfeeling guy, but I hope its not that last one. I honestly believed that I would feel some sort of emotion in terms of nostalgia, memories, and things like that, but for most of the dance, I didn't have too much fun, except during a set of "white" music they had. But I guess time will tell whether or not I'm an unfeeling bastard or if I have true feelings... next Friday!

On another thing that sucks, I was reading through some forums online and there was a discussion regarding guys who like girls who are their friends. I find that I'm able to make friends with most girls if I have to, and most everyone actually. In this discussion most of the guys declared that if you want to get with a girl, get into her pants, stuff like that, you have to be not one of her girlfriends but with a dick. And you have to be meaner to her, and not just give in too easy. So basically nice guys don't get any. So now I figure, I've been going about it all wrong. Not that I'm particularly looking for poontang or even a girlfriend, but... eh. Any thoughts people?

Sublime - What I Got

Have the good times come to an end? Does graduation from high school signal the end of the good times? Or at least getting near the end? Sure, college is probably tons of fun, but, after that what is there? Work work work work kid work work work kid retire? Clearly I'm quite biased in this view of life because all I know is high school and nothing else. But it seems that when people think back on their lives, what do they consider the "good ol'"? College and high school right? So what high school graduation is telling me is that I've got 4 maybe 6 (if I do master's) ahead of me and then its all over?

I was watching Leno a few nights ago and they have this thing called "JayWalking" where they ask people on the streets assorted questions and this week it was "If you could have any ONE super power what would it be?" And I was thinking about this and people would say things like "mind reading" and "super strength" or an ocassional "x-ray vision." However, I would never want those things. Well not that I wouldn't want those things, I'd take pretty much any super-power, but if I had a choice, I would take the power of mind control. I know, it seems very evil, and you know what? It is an evil ability, but its one I'd want. I would be able to do all sorts of things. Thats what I secretly would want, but if I were to have one to better man-kind, it would be something like super-strength or the ability to generate crops out of my ass or something. Okay, maybe not my ass, I wouldn't eat anything off my ass, but... you get the idea.

But what my point was, is that there was a guy on the show who said he'd like to be able to stop time and just fuck with people... well I wasn't quite that ingeneous but I was able to think further down the line on that, and if I were really to want a power it'd be able to control time, you know, turn it back etc. Or at least the ability to time travel which is equally powerful. First I thought of that power thinking, I could go back in time and find out where man came from... Big Bang? Or did we take 6 days and some guy took the 7th day off to make us? I'd do stuff like that. But once all that scientific study was done, I'd want to go back and be able to relive my high school experiences as well as the rest of my childhood, selfish I know. I realize that there are tons of paradoxes and loopholes in time travel that its not even funny... but lets just say anything I do cannot affect the timeline or whatever just to cover all the bases. Anyone else got any super power ideas? You can email me w/ that gigantic envelope to the left <------ over there. That'd be the first one I ever got in regards to my blogger! C'mon guys, be the first!

The Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright

Ahh yes, Blogspot it back to its original form. Everything seems to be working now. Over the last few days I've been signing a few yearbooks and its been much easier than I expected. I expected to be very emotional at school, with today being our last normal day of classes and all, but not so! I seriously thought I would at least feel something, but it was just a "blah" experience for me. Anyways, my mom is getting pissed, can't even write in my own lousy journal thing. She just doesn't understand. Oh well. I'll write more when my parents are long gone... blah.

Juvenile - Ha

Graduation inches closer. Or perhaps, more like leaps.

I get my cap and gown tomorrow. I'm starting to feel nervous about this whole thing. I don't know why. I shouldn't. But its probably because I'm afraid of change. I'm now wondering about things in the future, like, where will everyone I know now, be in 5 years? 10? I wonder the same things that everyone else probably wonders, what is going to happen to us. I wonder, will I be some hobo on the street? Or will I be a sucessful whatever I am? Will my friends, aquaintances, everyone in my senior class, and even in the junior class... where will they be? I suppose this is all part of growing up, but I don't know if I want to see where I'll be in 5 years.

Backstreet Boys - Show Me The Meaning

Once again, I've not neglected to post in 3 days. Damn, I'm getting lazy. I haven't been to the gym in like a week either. But then again I've also been trying to catch up in my classes in school and working late on projects/essays and I've got another late night coming up tomorrow no doubt. My English project is due Tuesday, the presentation anyways, and I don't know anything about my topic, much less have any ideas as to how to go about this presentation. Ah well.

Okay, I'll for sure write my Blogger at least 4 times a week now. If I don't, well then damn me. If I can't even put my own thoughts down on paper, I'm lazy as hell.

Theres less than 2 weeks till my graduation! And just like I said in the beginning of the year, I don't think the whole senior thing has set in yet. But I'm sure the day-of I'll feel a little more than nostalgic.

Yearbook was released to seniors on Friday. General reactions have been good, except for a slight problem regarding the ads... but thats been pretty much resolved.

I still can't remember what was so important from last time that I wanted to write. Dammit.

Joe f/ Mystikal - Stutter (remix)

Finally, I have time to post. So here's more from my "craaaaazy mind" and more about my boring life.

Well, I watched Pearl Harbor and despite what lots of people have been saying, its not a bad movie. I won't say its great, but I enjoyed it more than Titanic at least. The battle scenes were really good! But thats not why I'm writing. After watching Pearl Harbor I went to the Pearl Harbor linked earlier and watched the little multimedia clips they have there, and set a picture of Kate Beckinsale as my background too :) Anyways, they have these clips of Pearl Harbor survivors there talking and I watched a few of those, and along with the movie, I don't know what it is, but I feel extremely patriotic.

And its not just feeling patriotic either, I feel like I need to join the army and fight. Maybe its all just a big subliminal message thing for people to join the army. But I think its more for me. I've been alive for what? 17 years? Nearing 18 now, and what do I have to show for it? Just a high school diploma that I haven't even received yet... I feel as though I need to serve something greater than myself, you know? And I don't want to hear any of this religion crap, not that I hear all that much about my Blogger from anyone, email or otherwise, but yeah... Thats a completely different debate. Its like this: I want to know I've made a difference. Like I don't want to go through life and be some guy working at a 9-5 deskjob doing a lot of nothing. I'm not saying that theres anything wrong with that, its a respectable job, but I don't think I could stand it. Its sort of like at the end of Saving Private Ryan when Private Ryan is looking at Tom Hanks' characters grave and he says to his wife "Tell me I have led a good life."

Faith Hill - There You'll Be Thats the Pearl Harbor theme song by the way. At first I didn't think too much of it, but I like it more and more now that I listen to it.